May 11th, 2017
Wow. How did I get here? I have a meaningful job, a healthy bank account, an apartment, a car, friends, family, and a great boyfriend.
I am blessed.
I struggle with mental health issues.
I am still blessed.
What initially brought me back to this blog was feeling a little bit down. I was ruminating on struggles, that now, after reflecting on the past, seem so insignificant. The drastic difference between my life now and a year ago still astonishes me.
I intend to return soon with some snippets of the last seven months.
Much love,
Amanda
Thursday 11 May 2017
Friday 28 October 2016
Journal 25 - Acceptance
October 28th, 2016
Overall the last month or so has been going very well. There has been a few 'hiccups' of course, but I have managed to power through them and still be okay. The largest change for me has been acceptance. I have accepted that I likely will always have these struggles. I have also accepted that my brain works a little differently.
Acceptance doesn't mean rolling over and giving up. It means recognizing that things are the way they are right now and somethings may never change. For example, I will likely always have anxiety to some degree. I have worked very hard to try to get rid of it and will continue to do so, but it probably will never completely go away.
Simply put: It is what it is. Naturally I still get frustrated by my struggles and I want them to go away. However, by accepting what is, I have been able to stop persevering on that and move forward with my life.
Note: I wish I could say acceptance happens overnight. Like many things in life, it is much easier said than done. I know in my personal journey I had to do many things before I reached this point. No one wants to struggle, but unfortunately it is part of the human experience.
Overall the last month or so has been going very well. There has been a few 'hiccups' of course, but I have managed to power through them and still be okay. The largest change for me has been acceptance. I have accepted that I likely will always have these struggles. I have also accepted that my brain works a little differently.
Acceptance doesn't mean rolling over and giving up. It means recognizing that things are the way they are right now and somethings may never change. For example, I will likely always have anxiety to some degree. I have worked very hard to try to get rid of it and will continue to do so, but it probably will never completely go away.
Simply put: It is what it is. Naturally I still get frustrated by my struggles and I want them to go away. However, by accepting what is, I have been able to stop persevering on that and move forward with my life.
Note: I wish I could say acceptance happens overnight. Like many things in life, it is much easier said than done. I know in my personal journey I had to do many things before I reached this point. No one wants to struggle, but unfortunately it is part of the human experience.
Monday 19 September 2016
Journal 24 - My thoughts on the stigma associated with mental illness
September 19th, 2016
There are many stigmas attached to specific mental illnesses and mental illness as a whole. We as a society created these stigmas and continue to maintain them. I would argue that a few of these preconceived notions are actually annoying stereotypes. However, most run much deeper than that and should indeed be deemed as stigmas.
It is interesting to note that mental health concerns are actually quite prevalent. I cannot recite a specific percentage, but I do know it is a fair amount of people. Just imagine if all those people, myself included, did not believe the stigmas. Self-stigmatization is real and often gets over looked.
Please do not misinterpret this as victim blaming. Regardless of how people view themselves, they absolutely do not deserve to be stigmatized against. Many people who have a mental illness experience out right discrimination and are even denied basic human rights. I am not ignoring or denying this devastating reality. However, I do believe it is important to reflect on self-stigmatization before attempting to address it on a societal level.
I also believe that to fight stigma, there must be a larger positive presence from people who have a mental illness. This is extremely difficult because of the stigma and results in a vicious cycle. People, again including myself, keep it "hush hush" or anonymous to avoid repercussions and then society's perception of mental illness never changes. Even the little dialogue there is about mental illness is often negative and pity based. It would be helpful for society to see that there is more to mental illness than crisis.
If you have a mental illness do not embrace the stigma. You have value and you should display it to the world. Mental illness can be challenging to navigate, but it is not a flaw. It is part of the beautiful person you are and you deserve as much respect as anyone else.
There are many stigmas attached to specific mental illnesses and mental illness as a whole. We as a society created these stigmas and continue to maintain them. I would argue that a few of these preconceived notions are actually annoying stereotypes. However, most run much deeper than that and should indeed be deemed as stigmas.
It is interesting to note that mental health concerns are actually quite prevalent. I cannot recite a specific percentage, but I do know it is a fair amount of people. Just imagine if all those people, myself included, did not believe the stigmas. Self-stigmatization is real and often gets over looked.
Please do not misinterpret this as victim blaming. Regardless of how people view themselves, they absolutely do not deserve to be stigmatized against. Many people who have a mental illness experience out right discrimination and are even denied basic human rights. I am not ignoring or denying this devastating reality. However, I do believe it is important to reflect on self-stigmatization before attempting to address it on a societal level.
I also believe that to fight stigma, there must be a larger positive presence from people who have a mental illness. This is extremely difficult because of the stigma and results in a vicious cycle. People, again including myself, keep it "hush hush" or anonymous to avoid repercussions and then society's perception of mental illness never changes. Even the little dialogue there is about mental illness is often negative and pity based. It would be helpful for society to see that there is more to mental illness than crisis.
If you have a mental illness do not embrace the stigma. You have value and you should display it to the world. Mental illness can be challenging to navigate, but it is not a flaw. It is part of the beautiful person you are and you deserve as much respect as anyone else.
Friday 16 September 2016
Journal 23- Dear God
Sept 16th/2016
Dear God,
I know I don't pray enough. I know I don't try hard enough. I know I deliberately sin without thinking twice. I also know that you love me anyway. I know I need to turn to you more, and tonight, that is what I am doing.
You know my struggles and understand them more than I could possibly imagine. I see now that these difficulties have lead me to people I would have never met and some of my other relationships have been strengthened because of them. I also have a new direction that I would like my career to go in and I have gained insight from my experiences. I see it Lord. I see the positives in these hardships. I see they have a purpose.
Regardless of the positives, you know the negatives are so challenging for me. You see my weaknesses. My self-pity parties, my avoidance techniques, my lack of motivation, my anxiety, my emotional irregularity. Oh you see it all.
You also see my strengths. You see when I get up anyway. You see when I give every ounce of energy I have left to my job. You see how much I truly and deeply care about others.
Tonight I am not asking you why. I am asking you for help. You know I want you to take my mental illness away. I want all these experiences to just be a dream. I would give you limbs off my body just so I could regulate my emotions.
I could and likely should, ask you for strength to face adversities. Strength to persevere and keep going. I cannot do it on my own, I'm going to need your help. Your guidance. I'm only human and I feel that you have given me too much to handle. Please take some of the burden away. Please at least give me a break from it. I'm tired, Lord. I see my progress but progress sometimes takes more effort than crisis. Please, I don't know what else to do.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Dear God,
I know I don't pray enough. I know I don't try hard enough. I know I deliberately sin without thinking twice. I also know that you love me anyway. I know I need to turn to you more, and tonight, that is what I am doing.
You know my struggles and understand them more than I could possibly imagine. I see now that these difficulties have lead me to people I would have never met and some of my other relationships have been strengthened because of them. I also have a new direction that I would like my career to go in and I have gained insight from my experiences. I see it Lord. I see the positives in these hardships. I see they have a purpose.
Regardless of the positives, you know the negatives are so challenging for me. You see my weaknesses. My self-pity parties, my avoidance techniques, my lack of motivation, my anxiety, my emotional irregularity. Oh you see it all.
You also see my strengths. You see when I get up anyway. You see when I give every ounce of energy I have left to my job. You see how much I truly and deeply care about others.
Tonight I am not asking you why. I am asking you for help. You know I want you to take my mental illness away. I want all these experiences to just be a dream. I would give you limbs off my body just so I could regulate my emotions.
I could and likely should, ask you for strength to face adversities. Strength to persevere and keep going. I cannot do it on my own, I'm going to need your help. Your guidance. I'm only human and I feel that you have given me too much to handle. Please take some of the burden away. Please at least give me a break from it. I'm tired, Lord. I see my progress but progress sometimes takes more effort than crisis. Please, I don't know what else to do.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Friday 9 September 2016
Journal 22- Welcome back, anxiety
September 9th, 2016
I had a couple of anxiety free days and they were wonderful. My anxiety resurfaced a little bit yesterday, but made its grand re-entrance this morning. I didn't panic when I woke up or anything, it just felt awful. Today I seem to have that turning in your stomach anxiety that makes you want to throw up. I think there may have been some particular triggers for this anxiety, but currently my thoughts are not racing,
I was annoyed when I woke up this morning and had thoughts like "I can't do this" and "how I am going to face the day?" After about an hour of self-pity, I got out of bed. I know my limits and I am certainly not past them. It's not bad enough to call into work over, I just need a little extra willpower today.
I am not devastated that I am anxious again. Anxiety is part of my life and I am learning to accept it as such. I would have enjoyed a few more anxiety-free days, but I will persevere and make the best of my situation.
So welcome back, anxiety. Please be prepared to take a back seat in my brain. Today I will be in control, not you.
I had a couple of anxiety free days and they were wonderful. My anxiety resurfaced a little bit yesterday, but made its grand re-entrance this morning. I didn't panic when I woke up or anything, it just felt awful. Today I seem to have that turning in your stomach anxiety that makes you want to throw up. I think there may have been some particular triggers for this anxiety, but currently my thoughts are not racing,
I was annoyed when I woke up this morning and had thoughts like "I can't do this" and "how I am going to face the day?" After about an hour of self-pity, I got out of bed. I know my limits and I am certainly not past them. It's not bad enough to call into work over, I just need a little extra willpower today.
I am not devastated that I am anxious again. Anxiety is part of my life and I am learning to accept it as such. I would have enjoyed a few more anxiety-free days, but I will persevere and make the best of my situation.
So welcome back, anxiety. Please be prepared to take a back seat in my brain. Today I will be in control, not you.
Wednesday 7 September 2016
Journal 21 - Completed CBT and met a new counselor
September 7th, 2016
Yesterday I went to my last CBT group session. I am finished! Yes, that's right, me. Miss I-hate-getting-help actually finished 3.5 months of weekly therapy. I have another type of therapy starting next month and surprisingly I am actually looking forward to it. It's a different facilitator, but I was introduced to her and she seems nice.
This morning I had an appointment with a new 'lady' (counselor) that will be entering my life. Sadly, the individual sessions I have at the hospital are short-term and will soon be coming to an end soon. It will be helpful for me to have ongoing support.
My new counselor is quite young and that initially surprised me. She looks to be about my age, or, at most, a couple years older. It is entirely possible that this is her professional job. Obviously she will not have a lot of experience, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she is competent and kind I could care less.
Unlike I had hoped, she had not read my file yet. I wanted to skip the awkward "why I came here" portion of intake. In therapy speak, that basically means "tell me all of the terrible things that have happened in your life and what you currently want to 'fix'." It's not really a portion of intake, that is the purpose of intake. That and signing a bunch of forms.
Re-telling my story was not as horrible as historically it has been.She even wanted details about my suicide attempts and I wasn't even phased. It was actually quite easy. It felt like I was just re sighting a bunch of facts.
I was not even anxious about going to the session beforehand. It may have helped that I forgot about the appointment until I got a reminder text last night. Regardless, I knew it was coming up eventually and knowing that did not bother me. Even during the appointment I had no anxiety. None. Not even a little bit.
I haven't had anxiety all day today or yesterday either. I have varying degrees of anxiety 95% of time so two days off is nice. There is likely a correlation between working out yesterday and today and having no anxiety. I really should start exercising regularly.
Yesterday I went to my last CBT group session. I am finished! Yes, that's right, me. Miss I-hate-getting-help actually finished 3.5 months of weekly therapy. I have another type of therapy starting next month and surprisingly I am actually looking forward to it. It's a different facilitator, but I was introduced to her and she seems nice.
This morning I had an appointment with a new 'lady' (counselor) that will be entering my life. Sadly, the individual sessions I have at the hospital are short-term and will soon be coming to an end soon. It will be helpful for me to have ongoing support.
My new counselor is quite young and that initially surprised me. She looks to be about my age, or, at most, a couple years older. It is entirely possible that this is her professional job. Obviously she will not have a lot of experience, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she is competent and kind I could care less.
Unlike I had hoped, she had not read my file yet. I wanted to skip the awkward "why I came here" portion of intake. In therapy speak, that basically means "tell me all of the terrible things that have happened in your life and what you currently want to 'fix'." It's not really a portion of intake, that is the purpose of intake. That and signing a bunch of forms.
Re-telling my story was not as horrible as historically it has been.She even wanted details about my suicide attempts and I wasn't even phased. It was actually quite easy. It felt like I was just re sighting a bunch of facts.
I was not even anxious about going to the session beforehand. It may have helped that I forgot about the appointment until I got a reminder text last night. Regardless, I knew it was coming up eventually and knowing that did not bother me. Even during the appointment I had no anxiety. None. Not even a little bit.
I haven't had anxiety all day today or yesterday either. I have varying degrees of anxiety 95% of time so two days off is nice. There is likely a correlation between working out yesterday and today and having no anxiety. I really should start exercising regularly.
Monday 5 September 2016
"My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it."
September 5th, 2016
....Just kidding, I see that is now September 6th.
I went to Lang Pioneer Village with a bunch of my family yesterday (September 4th) and it was a lot of fun. At one point, my second cousins and I went off on our own to listen to people playing music. This is the conversation that transpired between the four year old and I as we sat on the hay bales.
Cousin(while wiggling around) : My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it.
Me: You can get up and dance if you want.
Cousin: No I can't do it.
Me: You said your body was dancing and you couldn't stop it.
C: No it's not.
M: You should get up and dance, I haven't seen you dance before.
C: Yes you have, at the wedding (his mom and dad's wedding).
M: No, I didn't see it because you didn't dance with me.
C: No the other wedding! (my sister's wedding)
M: You're older now, I bet you are an even better dancer.
C: Ya I am.
M: Are you going to dance?
C (in a hushed voice): I can only danced inside. (He continued on dancing in his seat)
Children are hilarious.
....Just kidding, I see that is now September 6th.
I went to Lang Pioneer Village with a bunch of my family yesterday (September 4th) and it was a lot of fun. At one point, my second cousins and I went off on our own to listen to people playing music. This is the conversation that transpired between the four year old and I as we sat on the hay bales.
Cousin(while wiggling around) : My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it.
Me: You can get up and dance if you want.
Cousin: No I can't do it.
Me: You said your body was dancing and you couldn't stop it.
C: No it's not.
M: You should get up and dance, I haven't seen you dance before.
C: Yes you have, at the wedding (his mom and dad's wedding).
M: No, I didn't see it because you didn't dance with me.
C: No the other wedding! (my sister's wedding)
M: You're older now, I bet you are an even better dancer.
C: Ya I am.
M: Are you going to dance?
C (in a hushed voice): I can only danced inside. (He continued on dancing in his seat)
Children are hilarious.
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