September 3rd, 2016
I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.
Wow.
It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.
Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.
The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.
Again, wow. There are no words.
What does one even do this with information?
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