September 5th, 2016
My week has been wonderful. I went into last Tuesday with a bleak outlook on life and this Tuesday (tomorrow) I feel ready to take on the world. Well at least some of it. Washing the dishes seems like more of an Amanda-of-the-future task.
I'll be honest, I was scared. It felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everything I have been working so hard to achieve was fading away. When it first started I was afraid to admit this reality to myself....No, I can't be struggling this much again. I have to try harder. It's fine. I'm fine. I eventually realized I could either do something about it or ignore it. Ignoring problems never helps so I reached out to my counselor.
"I'm in place where I need to do something or it will be a problem. I need to intervene. I have felt this way before and historically, it does not go well." I saw her on a weekly basis for a few weeks, but things continued to get worse.
'Hilda', my super-suicidal alter-ego had not returned, but her presence was looming. I was petrified. "Life cannot get that bad again. Please. No."
Fortunately, everything quickly changed for me this week. Unfortunately, it will change again. Regulating my moods is certainly not one of my strengths. However, I am trying my best not to dwell on it. I will always fear relapse, but I cannot allow it to consume me. It cannot be my focus.
I'm not entirely sure how or why, but life is good this week.
When joy presents itself, I may as well embrace it.
Monday, 5 September 2016
Saturday, 3 September 2016
Journal 19 - Wow
September 3rd, 2016
I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.
Wow.
It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.
Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.
The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.
Again, wow. There are no words.
What does one even do this with information?
I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.
Wow.
It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.
Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.
The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.
Again, wow. There are no words.
What does one even do this with information?
Journal 18 - Accepting Limits
September 3rd, 2016
I think that having high expectations of myself is a good thing, but I am learning there needs to be some sort of balance. I seem to bounce back and forth between being the most goal oriented person you have ever met and having no goals at all. I assume that I am a goal oriented person by nature but then my mental health issues set me back. I will not always be able to achieve what I expect from myself, but that does not mean I should give up and expect nothing. However, I think adjusting my goals daily is permissible. On a really bad day, simply getting out of bed could be the goal. I think there needs to be something to strive for, but it should be realistic and I should not be setting myself up for failure. I'm noticing that if I fail, I give up entirely.
I often get frustrated with myself because there are many things I used to be able to do and now I struggle with them. At times even mundane tasks are impossible and I get upset because I 'should' be able to do them. Again, I think I need be realistic. If there are tasks that absolutely need to get done, I should pick one and make that my only focus of the day. If I don't complete it, insulting myself profusely is probably not the way to go. I should accept my limitations.
Accepting my limitations includes my mental illness. It exists. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I should learn to embrace it. Do I wish it would go away? Obviously, but it's not going to happen. For the rest of my life I will to some degree struggle with mental health problems. It is okay that that is part my identify. Mental illness does not make me flawed or any less of a human being. We all have our own battles to face and this one happens to be mine. You can't fight a battle if you pretend it isn't happening.
I think that having high expectations of myself is a good thing, but I am learning there needs to be some sort of balance. I seem to bounce back and forth between being the most goal oriented person you have ever met and having no goals at all. I assume that I am a goal oriented person by nature but then my mental health issues set me back. I will not always be able to achieve what I expect from myself, but that does not mean I should give up and expect nothing. However, I think adjusting my goals daily is permissible. On a really bad day, simply getting out of bed could be the goal. I think there needs to be something to strive for, but it should be realistic and I should not be setting myself up for failure. I'm noticing that if I fail, I give up entirely.
Accepting my limitations includes my mental illness. It exists. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I should learn to embrace it. Do I wish it would go away? Obviously, but it's not going to happen. For the rest of my life I will to some degree struggle with mental health problems. It is okay that that is part my identify. Mental illness does not make me flawed or any less of a human being. We all have our own battles to face and this one happens to be mine. You can't fight a battle if you pretend it isn't happening.
Friday, 2 September 2016
Journal 17 - Game Plan
September 2nd, 2016
Seeing "Sarah" on Tuesday seemed to help me re-group and I have been feeling slightly better since. After seeing her, I went home and wrote down a few things. I then went to my individual therapy yesterday armed with what I wrote down. I came to that session on a mission! I had specific topics, questions, and I even asked for some goal setting homework. She also had homework prepared for me and I have already completed it. It was very basic and seemed almost silly, but it turned out to be extremely eye opening. Hmm, perhaps I should do homework more often....
Since Tuesday I have wrote down major concerns, scheduled an appointment, wrote down what I need to say at my upcoming appointment, completed therapy homework (not CBT homework I'm way behind on that), brainstormed ideas for the future, wrote three blog posts, and did some non-therapy related things.
Overall I'm still not feeling amazing. However, figuring out how I can address my issues has been helpful. Developing a plan lessens the feeling of having no control. I like control. The problem is I am struggling to come up with some solutions to put in my plan. Ideally I'd like to solve everything myself, but I find it overwhelming. Instead of putting it off, it may be wise for me to seek input from my friends. I'm undecided....so I will put off deciding about whether I should put off deciding about getting help with decisions. Yep, that made sense.
Seeing "Sarah" on Tuesday seemed to help me re-group and I have been feeling slightly better since. After seeing her, I went home and wrote down a few things. I then went to my individual therapy yesterday armed with what I wrote down. I came to that session on a mission! I had specific topics, questions, and I even asked for some goal setting homework. She also had homework prepared for me and I have already completed it. It was very basic and seemed almost silly, but it turned out to be extremely eye opening. Hmm, perhaps I should do homework more often....
Since Tuesday I have wrote down major concerns, scheduled an appointment, wrote down what I need to say at my upcoming appointment, completed therapy homework (not CBT homework I'm way behind on that), brainstormed ideas for the future, wrote three blog posts, and did some non-therapy related things.
Overall I'm still not feeling amazing. However, figuring out how I can address my issues has been helpful. Developing a plan lessens the feeling of having no control. I like control. The problem is I am struggling to come up with some solutions to put in my plan. Ideally I'd like to solve everything myself, but I find it overwhelming. Instead of putting it off, it may be wise for me to seek input from my friends. I'm undecided....so I will put off deciding about whether I should put off deciding about getting help with decisions. Yep, that made sense.
Wednesday, 31 August 2016
Journal 16 - "Sarah"
August 31/2016
Yesterday was a highly anticipated day off work, but that did not stop me from being grumpy and discouraged. I managed to drag my butt to group therapy and then spent a little time at home. I had not seen my friend "Sarah" for awhile and we had arranged to meet yesterday evening. I was so miserable and did not want to go, but I knew I would regret canceling and it would likely be a long time before I saw her again.
So I went. I even arrived a little early so I would have time to mentally prepare myself. I wanted to put my happy face on, but faking it seemed to be more challenging than I had anticipated. Naturally, my inner voice was upset that I had not cancelled. I was not anxious about the situation, I was just concerned that I was going to be a jerk for no apparent reason. Which, of course, resulted in anxiety!
But guess what? It was totally fine. That's the thing, everything is always fine with Sarah. I have no idea why, but she is just one of those people in my life that makes me feel better. It is interesting because she is not exactly a super-approachable, over-coddling type of person. She can actually be quite intimidating. She is most certainly kind, but she is one of those tough-on-the-outside people. Perhaps random people on the street are not compelled to approach her, but people who know her seem to be drawn to her. I think it's a strong possibility that it could be because she has a concealed super power or access to government secrets. Or both. Honestly though, she's a great person and I aspire to be like her any many ways.
So how/why is she a 'purpose person' for me? Here are some of the many reasons:
1. She became part of my life at right time.
I met Sarah at a point in my life when I was thriving. She was able to see what a "healthy" Amanda looks like and I got to know her without my mental health issues interfering. Then, after I got to know and trust her, I found myself in mental health crisis. Although she did not save me from a burning building, she has literally saved my life. I could elaborate on that, but those are tough memories for me combined with a lot of guilt.
2. She has helped to increase my self-esteem
I will never forget the first time I genuinely believed I was smart. Do I still struggle to believe this? Yes. But there was one specific day where I just wholeheartedly thought I was intelligent. I just felt like such a capable person, it was amazing. It was mainly because of a conversation I had with Sarah and an e-mail she sent afterwards. I don't know that she would even remember that day; it probably seemed like an insignificant ordinary day to her. This is just one of many, many examples. Although, the rest are not "ah ha" moments like this, they happened gradually over time.
3. She is a positive role model/mentor
Perhaps role model is a bit of an elementary term, but I do not feel mentor fully describes what I want to convey. I think everyone in my inner circle (and beyond) knows how much I look up to this woman. Sarah has been great a point of reference for many of the traits I want acquire and goals I want to achieve. A.k.a. I like to copy her. Well sometimes I like to copy her. .I would like to point out that I genuinely did not cut my hair off because she has short hair. Someone asked me that and honestly that was not my reasoning. Maybe on some subconscious level seeing her rock her short hair made me more likely to try it? Who knows.
4. She makes me feel better
I am someone who struggles to regulate my moods. So as you can imagine, having someone in my life who can balance them out by merely being present is a God send. Now if that could be put in pill form, all my issues would be resolved. Obviously she doesn't actually cure my problems. I've had some of my worst panic attacks her presence. However, knowing she was there made a world of difference. Also, as a side note, she has an extremely calming voice.
5. She tells it how it is and genuinely cares about what is in my best interest
Sarah is usually fairly blunt and honest with me. In the moment I don't always love it, but it's often (okay always) what I need to hear. I have made the decision to no longer rely on her in a crisis, but I still know if I needed her help, she would not have an ulterior motive.
6. Most importantly, I value her friendship
She is fun and awesome and I love spending time with fun and awesome people! I'm certainly blessed and thankful to have her in my life.
There is soooooooooooooooooooo much more I could say about my friendship with "Sarah", but I'm tired, this post is already way too long, and I don't really think the internet needs to know anymore than this.
Yesterday was a highly anticipated day off work, but that did not stop me from being grumpy and discouraged. I managed to drag my butt to group therapy and then spent a little time at home. I had not seen my friend "Sarah" for awhile and we had arranged to meet yesterday evening. I was so miserable and did not want to go, but I knew I would regret canceling and it would likely be a long time before I saw her again.
So I went. I even arrived a little early so I would have time to mentally prepare myself. I wanted to put my happy face on, but faking it seemed to be more challenging than I had anticipated. Naturally, my inner voice was upset that I had not cancelled. I was not anxious about the situation, I was just concerned that I was going to be a jerk for no apparent reason. Which, of course, resulted in anxiety!
But guess what? It was totally fine. That's the thing, everything is always fine with Sarah. I have no idea why, but she is just one of those people in my life that makes me feel better. It is interesting because she is not exactly a super-approachable, over-coddling type of person. She can actually be quite intimidating. She is most certainly kind, but she is one of those tough-on-the-outside people. Perhaps random people on the street are not compelled to approach her, but people who know her seem to be drawn to her. I think it's a strong possibility that it could be because she has a concealed super power or access to government secrets. Or both. Honestly though, she's a great person and I aspire to be like her any many ways.
So how/why is she a 'purpose person' for me? Here are some of the many reasons:
1. She became part of my life at right time.
I met Sarah at a point in my life when I was thriving. She was able to see what a "healthy" Amanda looks like and I got to know her without my mental health issues interfering. Then, after I got to know and trust her, I found myself in mental health crisis. Although she did not save me from a burning building, she has literally saved my life. I could elaborate on that, but those are tough memories for me combined with a lot of guilt.
2. She has helped to increase my self-esteem
I will never forget the first time I genuinely believed I was smart. Do I still struggle to believe this? Yes. But there was one specific day where I just wholeheartedly thought I was intelligent. I just felt like such a capable person, it was amazing. It was mainly because of a conversation I had with Sarah and an e-mail she sent afterwards. I don't know that she would even remember that day; it probably seemed like an insignificant ordinary day to her. This is just one of many, many examples. Although, the rest are not "ah ha" moments like this, they happened gradually over time.
3. She is a positive role model/mentor
Perhaps role model is a bit of an elementary term, but I do not feel mentor fully describes what I want to convey. I think everyone in my inner circle (and beyond) knows how much I look up to this woman. Sarah has been great a point of reference for many of the traits I want acquire and goals I want to achieve. A.k.a. I like to copy her. Well sometimes I like to copy her. .I would like to point out that I genuinely did not cut my hair off because she has short hair. Someone asked me that and honestly that was not my reasoning. Maybe on some subconscious level seeing her rock her short hair made me more likely to try it? Who knows.
4. She makes me feel better
I am someone who struggles to regulate my moods. So as you can imagine, having someone in my life who can balance them out by merely being present is a God send. Now if that could be put in pill form, all my issues would be resolved. Obviously she doesn't actually cure my problems. I've had some of my worst panic attacks her presence. However, knowing she was there made a world of difference. Also, as a side note, she has an extremely calming voice.
5. She tells it how it is and genuinely cares about what is in my best interest
Sarah is usually fairly blunt and honest with me. In the moment I don't always love it, but it's often (okay always) what I need to hear. I have made the decision to no longer rely on her in a crisis, but I still know if I needed her help, she would not have an ulterior motive.
6. Most importantly, I value her friendship
She is fun and awesome and I love spending time with fun and awesome people! I'm certainly blessed and thankful to have her in my life.
There is soooooooooooooooooooo much more I could say about my friendship with "Sarah", but I'm tired, this post is already way too long, and I don't really think the internet needs to know anymore than this.
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
Journal 15 - Purpose People
August 30th, 2016
I firmly believe that God has placed many people in my life for specific reasons. Some of those people have come and gone and the rest continue to remain part of my world. Of course, practically everyone I have ever met has impacted me in some way. However, for the purposes of this post, I am referring people that I can look back and see the direct impact they have had on my life. I think these relationships can have a one-sided purpose or be mutually beneficial. I believe that, perhaps, I too have served a purpose for someone else. You can never really truly know how far your words and actions travel.
This may seem like it is coming out of no where, especially considering my previous post. I was inspired to share these thoughts because I spent some time with one of these people today. I am going to write a little about that relationship in my next post and why just spending time with her shed a little light on a dark day. Ideally I will find the time and motivation to write about many other positive relationships in my life. Although mental illness can sometimes taint my perception, often just thinking about the people I care about can bring me a touch of joy in the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing about them will bring me comfort as I currently continue to struggle.
...But for now, I shall seek comfort in some wonderful sleep. What's not to love about that?
I firmly believe that God has placed many people in my life for specific reasons. Some of those people have come and gone and the rest continue to remain part of my world. Of course, practically everyone I have ever met has impacted me in some way. However, for the purposes of this post, I am referring people that I can look back and see the direct impact they have had on my life. I think these relationships can have a one-sided purpose or be mutually beneficial. I believe that, perhaps, I too have served a purpose for someone else. You can never really truly know how far your words and actions travel.
This may seem like it is coming out of no where, especially considering my previous post. I was inspired to share these thoughts because I spent some time with one of these people today. I am going to write a little about that relationship in my next post and why just spending time with her shed a little light on a dark day. Ideally I will find the time and motivation to write about many other positive relationships in my life. Although mental illness can sometimes taint my perception, often just thinking about the people I care about can bring me a touch of joy in the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing about them will bring me comfort as I currently continue to struggle.
...But for now, I shall seek comfort in some wonderful sleep. What's not to love about that?
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Journal 14 -At a Crossroads and Fresh out of Hope
August 21st, 2016
I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.
Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.
I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.
I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.
You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?
I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.
Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.
I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.
I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.
You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?
I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.
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