Journal 25 - Acceptance

October 28th, 2016

Overall the last month or so has been going very well. There has been a few 'hiccups' of course, but I have managed to power through them and still be okay. The largest change for me has been acceptance. I have accepted that I likely will always have these struggles. I have also accepted that my brain works a little differently.

Acceptance doesn't mean rolling over and giving up. It means recognizing that things are the way they are right now and somethings may never change. For example, I will likely always have anxiety to some degree. I have worked very hard to try to get rid of it and will continue to do so, but it probably will never completely go away.

Simply put: It is what it is. Naturally I still get frustrated by my struggles and I want them to go away. However, by accepting what is, I have been able to stop persevering on that and move forward with my life.


Note: I wish I could say acceptance happens overnight. Like many things in life, it is much easier said than done. I know in my personal journey I had to do many things before I reached this point. No one wants to struggle, but unfortunately it is part of the human experience.

Journal 24 - My thoughts on the stigma associated with mental illness

September 19th, 2016

There are many stigmas attached to specific mental illnesses and mental illness as a whole. We as a society created these stigmas and continue to maintain them. I would argue that a few of these preconceived notions are actually annoying stereotypes. However, most run much deeper than that and should indeed be deemed as stigmas.

It is interesting to note that mental health concerns are actually quite prevalent. I cannot recite a specific percentage, but I do know it is a fair amount of people. Just imagine if all those people, myself included, did not believe the stigmas. Self-stigmatization is real and often gets over looked.

Please do not misinterpret this as victim blaming. Regardless of how people view themselves, they absolutely do not deserve to be stigmatized against. Many people who have a mental illness experience out right discrimination and are even denied basic human rights. I am not ignoring or denying this devastating reality. However, I do believe it is important to reflect on self-stigmatization before attempting to address it on a societal level.

I also believe that to fight stigma, there must be a larger positive presence from people who have a mental illness. This is extremely difficult because of the stigma and results in a vicious cycle. People, again including myself, keep it "hush hush" or anonymous to avoid repercussions and then society's perception of mental illness never changes. Even the little dialogue there is about mental illness is often negative and pity based.  It would be helpful for society to see that there is more to mental illness than crisis.

If you have a mental illness do not embrace the stigma. You have value and you should display it to the world. Mental illness can be challenging to navigate, but it is not a flaw. It is part of the beautiful person you are and you deserve as much respect as anyone else.

Journal 23- Dear God

Sept 16th/2016

Dear God,

I know I don't pray enough. I know I don't try hard enough. I know I deliberately sin without thinking twice. I also know that you love me anyway. I know I need to turn to you more, and tonight, that is what I am doing.

You know my struggles and understand them more than I could possibly imagine. I see now that these difficulties have lead me to people I would have never met and some of my other relationships have been strengthened because of them. I also have a new direction that I would like my career to go in and I have gained insight from my experiences. I see it Lord. I see the positives in these hardships. I see they have a purpose.

Regardless of the positives, you know the negatives are so challenging for me. You see my weaknesses. My self-pity parties, my avoidance techniques, my lack of motivation, my anxiety, my emotional irregularity. Oh you see it all.

You also see my strengths. You see when I get up anyway. You see when I give every ounce of energy I have left to my job. You see how much I truly and deeply care about others.

Tonight I am not asking you why. I am asking you for help. You know I want you to take my mental illness away. I want all these experiences to just be a dream. I would give you limbs off my body just so I could regulate my emotions.

I could and likely should, ask you for strength to face adversities. Strength to persevere and keep going. I cannot do it on my own, I'm going to need your help. Your guidance. I'm only human and I feel that you have given me too much to handle. Please take some of the burden away. Please at least give me a break from it. I'm tired, Lord. I see my progress but progress sometimes takes more effort than crisis. Please, I don't know what else to do.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Journal 22- Welcome back, anxiety

September 9th, 2016

I had a couple of anxiety free days and they were wonderful.  My anxiety resurfaced a little bit yesterday, but made its grand re-entrance this morning. I didn't panic when I woke up or anything, it just felt awful. Today I seem to have that turning in your stomach anxiety that makes you want to throw up. I think there may have been some particular triggers for this anxiety, but currently my thoughts are not racing,

I was annoyed when I woke up this morning and had thoughts like "I can't do this" and "how I am going to face the day?" After about an hour of self-pity, I got out of bed. I know my limits and I am certainly not past them. It's not bad enough to call into work over, I just need a little extra willpower today.

I am not devastated that I am anxious again. Anxiety is part of my life and I am learning to accept it as such. I would have enjoyed a few more anxiety-free days, but I will persevere and make the best of my situation.

So welcome back, anxiety. Please be prepared to take a back seat in my brain. Today I will be in control, not you.

Journal 21 - Completed CBT and met a new counselor

September 7th, 2016

Yesterday I went to my last CBT group session. I am finished! Yes, that's right, me. Miss I-hate-getting-help actually finished 3.5 months of weekly therapy. I have another type of therapy starting next month and surprisingly I am actually looking forward to it. It's a different facilitator, but I was introduced to her and she seems nice.

This morning I had an appointment with a new 'lady' (counselor) that will be entering my life. Sadly, the individual sessions I have at the hospital are short-term and will soon be coming to an end soon. It will be helpful for me to have ongoing support.

My new counselor is quite young and that initially surprised me. She looks to be about my age, or, at most, a couple years older. It is entirely possible that this is her professional job. Obviously she will not have a lot of experience, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she is competent and kind I could care less.

Unlike I had hoped, she had not read my file yet. I wanted to skip the awkward "why I came here" portion of intake. In therapy speak, that basically means "tell me all of the terrible things that have happened in your life and what you currently want to 'fix'." It's not really a portion of intake, that is the purpose of intake. That and signing a bunch of forms.

Re-telling my story was not as horrible as historically it has been.She even wanted details about my suicide attempts and I wasn't even phased. It was actually quite easy. It felt like I was just re sighting a bunch of facts.

I was not even anxious about going to the session beforehand. It may have helped that I forgot about the appointment until I got a reminder text last night. Regardless, I knew it was coming up eventually and knowing that did not bother me. Even during the appointment I had no anxiety. None. Not even a little bit.

I haven't had anxiety all day today or yesterday either. I have varying degrees of anxiety 95% of time so two days off is nice. There is likely a correlation between working out yesterday and today and having no anxiety. I really should start exercising regularly.

"My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it."

September 5th, 2016

....Just kidding, I see that is now September 6th.

I went to Lang Pioneer Village with a bunch of my family yesterday (September 4th) and it was a lot of fun. At one point, my second cousins and I went off on our own to listen to people playing music. This is the conversation that transpired between the four year old and I as we sat on the hay bales.

Cousin(while wiggling around) : My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it.

Me: You can get up and dance if you want.

Cousin: No I can't do it.

Me: You said your body was dancing and you couldn't stop it.

C: No it's not.

M: You should get up and dance, I haven't seen you dance before.

C: Yes you have, at the wedding (his mom and dad's wedding). 

M: No, I didn't see it because you didn't dance with me.

C: No the other wedding! (my sister's wedding)

M: You're older now, I bet you are an even better dancer.

C: Ya I am.

M: Are you going to dance?

C (in a hushed voice): I can only danced inside. (He continued on dancing in his seat) 

Children are hilarious.

Journal 20 - Embracing Joy

September 5th, 2016

My week has been wonderful. I went into last Tuesday with a bleak outlook on life and this Tuesday (tomorrow) I feel ready to take on the world.  Well at least some of it. Washing the dishes seems like more of an Amanda-of-the-future task.

I'll be honest, I was scared. It felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everything I have been working so hard to achieve was fading away. When it first started I was afraid to admit this reality to myself....No, I can't be struggling this much again. I have to try harder. It's fine. I'm fine. I eventually realized I could either do something about it or ignore it. Ignoring problems never helps so I reached out to my counselor.

 "I'm in place where I need to do something or it will be a problem. I need to intervene. I have felt this way before and historically, it does not go well." I saw her on a weekly basis for a few weeks, but things continued to get worse.

'Hilda', my super-suicidal alter-ego had not returned, but her presence was looming. I was petrified. "Life cannot get that bad again. Please. No."

Fortunately, everything quickly changed for me this week. Unfortunately, it will change again. Regulating my moods is certainly not one of my strengths. However, I am trying my best not to dwell on it. I will always fear relapse, but I cannot allow it to consume me. It cannot be my focus.

 I'm not entirely sure how or why, but life is good this week.

When joy presents itself, I may as well embrace it.

Journal 19 - Wow

September 3rd, 2016

I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.

Wow.

It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.

Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.

The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.

Again, wow. There are no words.

What does one even do this with information?

Journal 18 - Accepting Limits

September 3rd, 2016

I think that having high expectations of myself is a good thing, but I am learning there needs to be some sort of balance. I seem to bounce back and forth between being the most goal oriented person you have ever met and having no goals at all. I assume that I am a goal oriented person by nature but then my mental health issues set me back. I will not always be able to achieve what I expect from myself, but that does not mean I should give up and expect nothing. However, I think adjusting my goals daily is permissible. On a really bad day, simply getting out of bed could be the goal. I think there needs to be something to strive for, but it should be realistic and I should not be setting myself up for failure. I'm noticing that if I fail, I give up entirely.

I often get frustrated with myself because there are many things I used to be able to do and now I struggle with them. At times even mundane tasks are impossible and I get upset because I 'should' be able to do them. Again, I think I need be realistic. If there are tasks that absolutely need to get done, I should pick one and make that my only focus of the day. If I don't complete it, insulting myself profusely is probably not the way to go. I should accept my limitations.

Accepting my limitations includes my mental illness. It exists. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I should learn to embrace it. Do I wish it would go away? Obviously, but it's not going to happen. For the rest of my life I will to some degree struggle with mental health problems. It is okay that that is part my identify. Mental illness does not make me flawed or any less of a human being. We all have our own battles to face and this one happens to be mine. You can't fight a battle if you pretend it isn't happening.

Journal 17 - Game Plan

September 2nd, 2016

Seeing "Sarah" on Tuesday seemed to help me re-group and I have been feeling slightly better since. After seeing her, I went home and wrote down a few things. I then went to my individual therapy yesterday armed with what I wrote down. I came to that session on a mission! I had specific topics, questions, and I even asked for some goal setting homework. She also had homework prepared for me and I have already completed it. It was very basic and seemed almost silly, but it turned out to be extremely eye opening. Hmm, perhaps I should do homework more often....

Since Tuesday I have wrote down major concerns, scheduled an appointment, wrote down what I need to say at my upcoming appointment, completed therapy homework (not CBT homework I'm way behind on that), brainstormed ideas for the future, wrote three blog posts, and did some non-therapy related things.

Overall I'm still not feeling amazing. However, figuring out how I can address my issues has been helpful. Developing a plan lessens the feeling of having no control. I like control. The problem is I am struggling to come up with some solutions to put in my plan. Ideally I'd like to solve everything myself, but I find it overwhelming. Instead of putting it off, it may be wise for me to seek input from my friends. I'm undecided....so I will put off deciding about whether I should put off deciding about getting help with decisions. Yep, that made sense.

Journal 16 - "Sarah"

August 31/2016

Yesterday was a highly anticipated day off work, but that did not stop me from being grumpy and discouraged. I managed to drag my butt to group therapy and then spent a little time at home. I had not seen my friend "Sarah" for awhile and we had arranged to meet yesterday evening. I was so miserable and did not want to go, but I knew I would regret canceling and it would likely be a long time before I saw her again.

So I went. I even arrived a little early so I would have time to mentally prepare myself. I wanted to put my happy face on, but faking it seemed to be more challenging than I had anticipated. Naturally, my inner voice was upset that I had not cancelled. I was not anxious about the situation, I was just concerned that I was going to be a jerk for no apparent reason. Which, of course, resulted in anxiety!

But guess what? It was totally fine. That's the thing, everything is always fine with Sarah. I have no idea why, but she is just one of those people in my life that makes me feel better. It is interesting because she is not exactly a super-approachable, over-coddling type of person. She can actually be quite intimidating. She is most certainly kind, but she is one of those tough-on-the-outside people. Perhaps random people on the street are not compelled to approach her, but people who know her seem to be drawn to her. I think it's a strong possibility that it could be because she has a concealed super power or access to government secrets. Or both. Honestly though, she's a great person and I aspire to be like her any many ways.

So how/why is she a 'purpose person' for me? Here are some of the many reasons:

1. She became part of my life at right time.
I met Sarah at a point in my life when I was thriving. She was able to see what a "healthy" Amanda looks like and I got to know her without my mental health issues interfering. Then, after I got to know and trust her, I found myself in mental health crisis. Although she did not save me from a burning building, she has literally saved my life. I could elaborate on that, but those are tough memories for me combined with a lot of guilt.

2. She has helped to increase my self-esteem 
I will never forget the first time I genuinely believed I was smart. Do I still struggle to believe this? Yes. But there was one specific day where I just wholeheartedly thought I was intelligent. I just felt like such a capable person, it was amazing. It was mainly because of a conversation I had with Sarah and an e-mail she sent afterwards. I don't know that she would even remember that day; it probably seemed like an insignificant ordinary day to her. This is just one of many, many examples. Although, the rest are not "ah ha" moments like this, they happened gradually over time.

3. She is a positive role model/mentor
Perhaps role model is a bit of an elementary term, but I do not feel mentor fully describes what I want to convey. I think everyone in my inner circle (and beyond) knows how much I look up to this woman. Sarah has been great a point of reference for many of the traits I want acquire and goals I want to achieve. A.k.a. I like to copy her. Well sometimes I like to copy her. .I would like to point out that I genuinely did not cut my hair off because she has short hair. Someone asked me that and honestly that was not my reasoning. Maybe on some subconscious level seeing her rock her short hair made me more likely to try it? Who knows.

4. She makes me feel better 
I am someone who struggles to regulate my moods. So as you can imagine, having someone in my life who can balance them out by merely being present is a God send. Now if that could be put in pill form, all my issues would be resolved. Obviously she doesn't actually cure my problems. I've had some of my worst panic attacks her presence. However, knowing she was there made a world of difference. Also, as a side note, she has an extremely calming voice.

5. She tells it how it is and genuinely cares about what is in my best interest
Sarah is usually fairly blunt and honest with me. In the moment I don't always love it, but it's often (okay always) what I need to hear. I have made the decision to no longer rely on her in a crisis, but I still know if I needed her help, she would not have an ulterior motive.

6. Most importantly, I value her friendship 
She is fun and awesome and I love spending time with fun and awesome people! I'm certainly blessed and thankful to have her in my life.

There is soooooooooooooooooooo much more I could say about my friendship with "Sarah", but I'm tired, this post is already way too long, and I don't really think the internet needs to know anymore than this.

Journal 15 - Purpose People

August 30th, 2016

I firmly believe that God has placed many people in my life for specific reasons. Some of those people have come and gone and the rest continue to remain part of my world. Of course, practically everyone I have ever met has impacted me in some way. However, for the purposes of this post, I am referring people that I can look back and see the direct impact they have had on my life. I think these relationships can have a one-sided purpose or be mutually beneficial. I believe that, perhaps, I too have served a purpose for someone else. You can never really truly know how far your words and actions travel.

This may seem like it is coming out of no where, especially considering my previous post. I was inspired to share these thoughts because I spent some time with one of these people today. I am going to write a little about that relationship in my next post and why just spending time with her shed a little light on a dark day. Ideally I will find the time and motivation to write about many other positive relationships in my life.  Although mental illness can sometimes taint my perception, often just thinking about the people I care about can bring me a touch of joy in the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing about them will bring me comfort as I currently continue to struggle.

...But for now, I shall seek comfort in some wonderful sleep. What's not to love about that?

Journal 14 -At a Crossroads and Fresh out of Hope

August 21st, 2016

I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.

I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.

Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.

I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.

I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.

You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?

I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.

July is a jerk! So that means August is amazing, right?

August 1st, 2016.

Well overall July has not been a great month for me. My dog's expensive surgery and my broken car were the biggest of my many issues this month. Fortunately, I have managed to remain fairly calm and collected. I honestly think the nice weather helps me cope with disasters. I can almost guarantee that if all this stuff happened in January, I'd be a wreck.

The purpose of this entry is not for me to vent about every little thing that has happened. I am writing this to remind myself that August can still be awesome. I have another month of lots of hours at work, summer sun, and I still have some plans left to enjoy (which of course will be more difficult if my car ends up being not worth repairing...). <Ignore the bitterness!

So here's to August. It's going to be amazing.

Journal Entry 13 - Random Anxiety

August 1st, 2016

Two nights ago I went to bed at a decent time. I had worked an 11am-7pm shift beforehand and that went quite well. I had even eaten all my meals and I did not eat anything outrageously unhealthy. I said no to a friend for going out late to an event, but she understood and I did not feel overwhelmingly guilty about not going. I knew I worked 11am-10pm the following day (turned out to be 10:30), so I felt that I was doing what was best for myself by not going. I made my brother and I dinner, relaxed for a bit and then went to bed. Everything was fine.

Fast forward to around 2 am and I woke up to having quite a bad panic attack. It was out of no where. I started to talk to myself and try to calm down. "You're ok, you're just having a panic attack. You're in you're bed. You're fine. You're safe" Then I started trying to do a thought record in my head because there was no way I could have wrote anything down. I was also half asleep and shocked that this was going on. I started to try and assess my thoughts. Why was I anxious? What was upsetting me? My anxiety was upsetting me but I could not find any underlying reason for the anxiety. I started flailing around and freaking out because my bed was too small. I started throwing all of my pillows and blankets off my bed. I kept trying to go back to sleep which got me more upset as I continued to flail around on my bed. I wanted it to stop. Then I told myself to "get up. If I can't sleep, I should just get up." I got up, went to the bathroom, and got a drink. I spent a little time with my dog and after not too too long, I went back to bed.

This particular panic attack felt like a much milder version of the one I had when I first woke up in the hospital in March. It was very similar. Except in March I was begging to get up but the nurse would not allow me to because of all of the drugs in my system. (Don't blame the nurse, she was right. The next day I forced them to let me get up. Guess what? I couldn't and if wasn't for them, I would have fell. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes.) Anyway, in hindsight, I think this particular panic attack may have been cause by a bad dream I do not remember. I have also had a stressful month, so perhaps that could have unconsciously impacted me. Who knows? The mind is a mysterious thing.

Journal Entry 12 - Therapy Update

July 27, 2016


Well it appears that it has been about a month since I have given any sort of update. I get more hours at work in the summer and my life in general just becomes busier. Plus I have been too lazy to write, so there is that too.

New views on professional help 

I finished session 11 of group therapy yesterday and there are only about 5 or 6 sessions left. I'm looking forward to it being over, but in some weird way I think I will miss it. You know, as much as I have loathed getting professional help in the past (some days I still do), it's not all that bad. Going in with an open mind, a willingness to put in effort, and an acceptance that it is going to be tough sometimes, makes a huge difference. Of course I am still skeptical, but I know it's about finding what works for me and more importantly who works for you. If I hate the person who is supposed to be helping me, it's not going to beneficial. Obviously there is no way to have complete control over this. If there was, my old counselor would not be living out west right now!

Therapy homework

Do I complete all my homework every week and do it to the best of my ability? Not a chance. It's more of a last minute, occasionally throw some effort in thing. I am slowly getting better though. I have even had a binder for a couple weeks now! That counts for something, right? I'm thinking about typing some of my "individual" homework I do on here, but selectively of course. Somethings I am just not super willing to share.

Standing out 

This week at therapy I shared something I am currently going through to the group. My individual counselor knows a lot about this, but the group has had no idea. I shared it, we talked about a few things and then we left to go on break. I was hesitant to talk about it because I was embarrassed, but I got over myself and did. That was all fine and dandy until the facilitator got back from break. She came back and said something along the lines of "I have been thinking about what you said before break and I think you are remarkable person, I don't know how you do it." She said a few other things and then apologized for embarrassing me; it was a nice gesture but I was super uncomfortable and I wanted her to stop talking about me. I am not sure if she was trying to reinforce me to share such things more often or what, but I really wanted to move on. THEN, she asked me if I had a few minutes to talk to her after the session.

Talking to her after 'class' was fine. She had a book she thought would be good for me to read if I was interested and she wanted to show it to me. A lot of the content is relevant to what I struggle with. The title of the book included my diagnosis, which for some strange reason annoyed me. I think it's because I like to pretend she does not have a file about me and my struggles. However, it's likely a coincidence and not why she brought the book to my attention. Also, it makes sense that a book that is supposed help people with my diagnosis is relevant to me. Duh. Why would that annoy me?

.... I'll sum up some other stuff in another post. I really need to get ready for work! I'm excited, I know it will be a good shift today. I love my job.

To my Best Friend on her Birthday

Happy 23rd Birthday, Kayla!

(Yes, before you scold me, I know your birthday is not until the 6th. I am posting this now because you are celebrating tomorrow).

I think this year I am going to spice things up and make your birthday message short and sweet. You're awesome. I love you. I hope your day is great.

Love always,
That annoying not-so-blonde-blonde who keeps sticking around.


P.S. You know me better than that. Be prepared for so much sappiness.

Journal Entry 11 - Therapy/Counselling Update

June 28th, 2018

It has been a few weeks since I have given any sort of update on how my therapy is going. My plan for this post is to give an overview of the last few weeks. Today was session eight of group therapy and I have attended a total of six sessions.

I had a group therapy session the day after I got back from Ottawa. It was the morning after what I spoke about in "Journal Entry 10" had happened. I was in an absolutely terrible state of mind. I was almost entirely silent for most of the session. Yes you read that right, I was silent. It's rare but it does occur every so often. It's very out of character for me, but I would like to clarify that it does not always mean I am upset. It usually does, but not always. That day I was experiencing many negative emotions and I put my head down on the table during the break. Needless to say I was not having a good day.

So here is the thing about me, I like to fake that I'm okay. Sometimes I am good at faking and sometimes I'm not. There are some days where I really struggle to even try to pretend life is just dandy. I usually can tell if it's one of those days as soon as I wake up. If that is the case I usually try to avoid/get out of whatever commitments I have for that day. If that is not possible I at least try to get out of some of them. Ironically enough, if I have time, those are the days I really try hard to make sure both my hair (when I had hair) and make-up are done. Again, to clarify, I'm not having a bad day every time my hair and make-up are done. When my hair and make-up are done I feel a little bit better about myself and so I hope people will pay more attention to how I look than my behaviour.

Anyway, back to therapy. I knew that morning I wasn't going to be able to "fake it," but I decided that I would go anyway. It's therapy after all, right? Shouldn't that be the one place I can be not okay? I'm not sure that I took much away from that session, but I showed up. I was listening but my mind wondered quite frequently. I was unwilling to share what little homework I had completed, even when directly asked to do so.  When I was leaving the facilitator asked me if I was okay. I, of course, said yes. Then she gave me the "don't go home and kill yourself look" and I walked out. I hate that look, even if it is justified.

The following week I had a very useful individual counselling session. By that point I was in a better state of mind and I was able to reflect on everything I had been going through. We also spoke about some of the ongoing issues I continue to face. I have now recognized that these things are an issue and I am working on problem solving. I may not have the solutions but this is an essential first step. I left the session feeling back in control of my life, empowered, and looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

I skipped the next week of group therapy. I slept in and I did not want be late for the third time in a row. I also really just wanted to sleep and at the time therapy did not seem like a good alternative to that.

Today's therapy was pretty good. Getting ready in the morning was less stressful than usual because I actually had a decent sleep the night before and woke up in plenty of time. I even had the chance to do all the homework beforehand (Yes I did the homework the day of...) It was nice to not have to worry about being late, looking like crap, and having homework that was incomplete.

Since I did all of the homework I was able to go over my thought record with the group and get constructive feedback. I should write a separate post about my struggle with thought records. Another thing to add to the list! It was also nice to hear everyone else's thought records. I also spoke to another participant about our people pleasing, perfectionism ways. It appears we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do other people. It's also refreshing to be reminded that I am not the only one who dwells on things. I shared with the group my difficulty with not  knowing what to expect in new situations. I have an easier time doing something new spontaneously because I do not have as much time to over-analyze it and worry.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Now it's time for me to get ready for work! Toodles! (Toodles? I'm so weird...)

Journal Entry 10 - I'm a Rockstar

June 15, 2016

On Saturday I wrote half of a long and emotional post. I saved it (or so I thought) and went to work. When I returned to finish it it was no where to be found. I was frustrated and decided not to make a post about that week. However, I have changed my mind. There was something that happened and I think I should express my feelings about the situation. Most of the other 'things' I wrote about before the document disappeared. I am not writing about them again because it was challenging enough for me the first time!  I also find it helpful to reflect back on my previous entries; what I am about to write will be beneficial for me to read in the future.

I had a great time in Ottawa, but I returned feeling overwhelmed. I find that when I am in that frame of mind my reactions to situations are more intense. I also hadn't slept well that entire week. I'm sure my lack of sleep also contributed to my emotional state. Anyway, to sum it up quickly, lots of unfortunate things happened the afternoon/evening I got back from Ottawa. By the time I left my soccer game I felt like a useless, unimportant person who should just go kill herself. I have not felt that terrible since I tried to in March.

On my way home I was asking myself questions like: Should I smash my car? Stop at the drug store? Use a belt? I started to panic. This was not a planned situation. This was entirely my impulsive brain reacting to how I felt in that moment. The miracle? I recognized that.

By the grace of God I was somehow able to calm myself down. I didn't even use self-harm to do it. No biting, scratching, or pinching.....not even a little bit. I didn't go get alcohol or take a bunch of pills to numb how I felt. You know what I did? I went home. I realized I was being impulsive and I told myself I could re-think this decision tomorrow. Was this good experience? Obviously not. Was it easy? Nope. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

In the past I have planned to kill myself, I have impulsively wanted to kill myself, and in March I put those two things together (no that has not been my only attempt). I currently have a plan in the back of my mind but only to appease my brain. For some reason it won't let me be plan-free. However, the details are not all figured out and I have absolutely no intention of carrying it out. I refuse to tell people what it is because I know I will then come up with a new one. I figure the less time I spend thinking about it the better.

So I am not actively planning suicide and I have the ability to stop myself from doing it impulsively. THAT IS HUGE. Seriously. I used to only realize my behaviour was impulsive in hindsight and the fact that I am not planning to kill myself shows how much progress I have made.

....Because of all of this awesomeness I have now decided I am rockstar. I deserve some sort of praise...even if it is only from myself. You know what? That's the person I need it from the most.

***Two side notes***

1. I left out tons of details because I was too lazy to write them again. Oh well, at least I gave some context. I also did not add how I reacted when I got home. It was a rough night (and week quite frankly) but just know I did not harm myself in anyway.
2. I did not magically obtain the ability to recognize and stop my impulsive behaviour. Perhaps I will make a post about that in the future.   

Journal Entry 9 - Ottawa Trip

June 8^th, 2016

I mentioned in my last post that I was going away to Ottawa. I got back a couple days ago and it was certainly a fun adventure! Practically everything I did was outside of my comfort zone. I hate highway driving so the fact that I went on such a trip was a huge step for me. Never mind that I actually drove in a big city! Mind you, I only drove in downtown Ottawa once and the whole time my friend was telling me where to go and what lane to be in. Baby steps, right? Driving is not something that came naturally to me. My mother, who taught me, could certainly attest to this. I have come a long way since almost putting us in a ditch while driving 10 km an hour on a back road.

I'm also not someone who would be described as outdoorsy or adventurous. On trips like this I would usually being going up for an indoor event and on my spare time go to places like shopping malls. Not this time. I went to Ottawa for a 6 km mud obstacle course....and by mud, I mean mud. Like swimming in thick disgusting mud. Getting it up my nose, brushing it out of my braces. That kind of mud. At one point I even started to panic at the top of an obstacle. All while covered in mud, of course.

On our spare time we went on a hike and we went spelunking in cave. (Apparently that's a thing?) Who knows what could have been in that water? All we had for light was the flashlight app on my cellphone. It was so dark, cold, and slimy. I must have drove my friend nuts constantly implying our imminent death. Okay, it was more than implying, “we are going to slip and crack our heads open and no one will find our dead bodies.”

Not every experience was overwhelming for me; we did do a couple of things that were well within my comfort zone. We checked out the Parliament buildings, went out to dinner and ate at a sit down chocolate place. I got to experience fondue for the first time which was amazing.

This trip was also my first time going away overnight since getting out of the hospital in March. Going away has never been a huge deal for me, but this time it was. Going away meant I couldn't just go home and hide when my emotions were overwhelming. I also didn't have the safety net of a familiar environment or familiar people (outside of my friend, of course).

Emotionally this trip was draining. The first hour of driving to Ottawa I was doing breathing exercises and forcing myself not to turn around and go home. Throughout my trip I was in a constant state of anxiety but I was able to manage it okay. I did not sleep well. I was in a panic leaving Ottawa because my gps re-routed me and I was paranoid I was going to end up on the Queensway. I called my friend but could not get a hold of her. Fortunately that is not what ended up happening.

Overall though, it was so worth it. I am thankful my friend encouraged me to go past my limits. I am proud of all that I accomplished in Ottawa. I am also glad I got to spend so much time with my friend. We have never spent that much time together. I even got to see another friend on my way home. I stopped in at her place and spent the night.

Would I do it all again? No. But that's okay. It was a good one time experience.

Journal Entry 8 - Counselling and Group Therapy Were Awesome This Week!

June 1^st, 2016

Group therapy yesterday was great! We talked about activity schedules (I didn't do one because I wasn't there last week) and reviewed chapter 3. I personally spoke a lot about how avoidance is a large problem for me. It was very helpful to hear from one participant in particular who has similar struggles.

Not only do I go to the hospital for this CBT group, but I also see a nurse/counsellor/lady every two weeks for one-on-one sessions. This woman has an interest in learning how to facilitate group therapy, so ironically enough she attends every week of therapy to learn.

I was actually quite upset on the first day of therapy when I saw her there (I neglected to mention that in my post about the first session). I felt like for three people, myself included, she would write every time we said anything. I, of course, made the assumption that the other two people were her clients too and she was keeping extra close tabs on us or something. In hindsight it seems silly, but my anxious mind does that to me sometimes. I was probably over analyzing the situation and when she wrote the timing was most likely coincidental.

I just got back from my appointment with her about a half hour ago. It turns out, having her at therapy makes our individual sessions much better! We could relate back to things I said at CBT without me having to fully explain them again. It's really a win-win. My session with her also went really well. Group therapy helped me this week with a couple broad issues and my session with her helped me come up with solutions to specific problems.

So I far I feel great today. Now I am in an awesome state of mind to go away to Ottawa for five days.

I'm going to visit a friend while I am there and we will be doing a 6k mud obstacle course. Bring on the mud! ... But not too much mud. Mud is gross. 

Journal Entry 7 - I'm Struggling

May 30^th, 2016

It has been about a week since my last post. I suppose that means it is time for me to write again. How are things going for me? Well to be entirely honest, I am continuing to struggle. It's quite disheartening really. I have made so much progress since leaving the hospital and now it feels like it is all slipping away. However, I am trying not to put too much thought into that; if I don't believe I am moving forward, it will be impossible for me to do so.

When I am struggling I usually do one of two things: lay in bed and avoid the world or keep quite busy. I have currently been doing the latter. Mostly to try to convince myself and others that I am doing just fine. I figure that, if I post a bunch of photos of me hanging out with people and doing fun things, everyone will think my life is going great. It's also a distraction for me, and quite often, an avoidance technique. For example, tonight when I was leaving soccer, my friend's team arrived to play their game. I decided to watch her game. Of course watching her game interests me, but my real motivation was avoiding doing my therapy homework (funny how that's still not done...) and not wanting to go home to my responsibilities. Surprisingly, I watched her for about ten minutes and then made the conscious choice to leave.

For the past two years there has been one main person I would go to to talk about these struggles. Lately I have been purposely not going to her when my mental health is not great. On occasions we do talk about it, I try not to go in any depth. There are various reasons for this, but overall I think it is a good thing...hence why I am doing it. Except for when I'm suicidal. Then it might not be a good thing. I know I wouldn't go to her.... which is kind of scary, really. She has literally saved my life countless times. As someone who is striving to get better, knowing I don't have a “safe guard” if things get extremely bad again is terrifying. Who knows what could happen. Well I guess I do know what could happen, I could be dead. Rational, goal oriented Amanda doesn't want to be dead, but I know anxious, confused Amanda would have no problem with it. Ideally I will never be in that dark of a place again. Unfortunately these past couple week have taught me that that is still entirely possible.

ANYWAY...enough of that. 

I would like to say that at this very moment I am doing okay. I ended the night on a fairly positive note which is always good. I'm stressing a bit about group therapy tomorrow and a counselling appointment I have the day after tomorrow. Among many other things, of course. I also have lots to do and little time to do it before I leave to go to Ottawa. Thankfully though, I am coping okay at the moment. Not amazingly, but okay.

I'm good with okay.

Journal Entry 6 - I'm Upset

May 24^th, 2016

I am going to start off by saying this is a pretty pointless blog post. It does not have a purpose or theme like all of the other posts I have made. I suppose it does to an extent...but it is certainly not going to be a well organized layout of my thoughts. The grammar will most likely be terrible, but I hope that it will at least be comprehensible. It's pretty much going to be a rant and I have no idea what the “point” of said rant will be.

I'm upset. If you haven't noticed by now all of my other posts are fairly positive and anything negative is about past experiences. It doesn't have to be far in the past, but it is just not how I am currently feeling. There are few reasons for this. One, I haven't had this blog very long. For the amount of time I have had this blog, life has been not too bad. I am not saying I haven't struggled, but overall I have been fairly good at coping with difficulties (or avoiding them, of course). Another reason is that I like to pretend I am okay. Particularly in front of other people. The last and most prominent reason is that I do no like talking about my feelings as feel them. I am usually pretty okay with reflecting on past feelings, but current ones, no thanks. I just don't like feeling strong negative emotions...I guess no one does. But for me I just try to avoid feeling them. Obviously that doesn't always work, but I certainly try. Talking/writing about them just makes me feel them more and most of the time I don't like that(I feel better AFTER...but who wants to wait for after?) That's where this blog post comes in. I think.

I am not actually going to type a word about why I'm upset or what emotion I mean by “upset.” I'm not ready to do that. (Quite frankly I am feeling a few!) The reason I am writing this is to write while I'm upset and try to get out at least some of my feelings ish. I recognize this is something I need to work on. So this, this is my pathetic attempt at trying. Mind you, I have already vented about something that was upsetting me to my friend, Sam. Which has calmed me down a bit. I needed to know if the particular thing I was thinking was all “in my head.” She decided it was, as usual. Thank goodness because if it wasn't I would be crying not writing a blog post. As much as I just spoke about not dealing with my feelings as a feel them, there are two people in my life who I am willing to speak to about them. Sam being one of them.... and it's pretty easy to guess who the second person is. 

I also think it is important for me to write about the fact that I am upset, because it is a reality of my situation. Not everyday is filled with a hope for the future and growth as a person. Many days I take ten steps back. I am slowly and truly getting better, but not everyday. Today I feel like I did a month ago. That is taking a few steps back for sure. But tomorrow I could feel like I did yesterday, or even better. Hence where the growth comes in. I could even grow from today and however long I continue to feel crummy....But unfortunately, like many things in life, that growth comes from looking back in hindsight. Here's hoping I don't feel like I did two months ago any time soon. Although to be honest with you, at this point I don't even frigging care. I'm going to bed.

Journal Entry 5 - I Skipped Therapy

May 24^th, 2016

Yes, I skipped the second session of therapy today. There were four reasons for this.

1. I have a cold and I did not sleep well because of it. I also had a lot of anxiety last night, which was awesome. Not. On top of that colds are always worse in the morning. Which, of course, is when I have therapy. She also said last session that if we are sick, we shouldn't come.                         
2. I did not complete any of the homework. The facilitator made it very clear that doing the homework is important and continuously not doing it could result in discharge. That being said, she also stated that if there are times that we don't do it, we should not skip therapy because of it.                                                                                                                                                       
3. I did not purchase the textbook. I got paid on Friday and “class” was Tuesday (today). I planned to just buy it yesterday. That makes sense, right? Wrong. I forgot it was a holiday. Not having a textbook contributed to me not doing some of the homework, but I can't use that as an excuse for all of it. Some of the homework this week was hand-outs.                                               
4. I did not want to go.

So there you have it, I skipped therapy. I'm such a rebel. I probably should have went considering the mood I am in right now. Whatever. I'll go next week.

Journal Entry 4 - Am I Still an Optimist?

For most of my life I have been known as an optimist. Not only did others view me this way, but it is how I viewed myself. I have always considered optimism as part of my personality. Despite the pessimism that now plagues my life, I still believe that it is part of who I am. I think highly of this character trait and would love to see it fully return into my life.

I struggled with suicidal thoughts in high school but I continued to be an optimist. I viewed myself negatively but my perception of the world was still positive. I was always able to find the good in every bad and I held onto to hope that the future would be bright. I seemed to think that life would magically get better after high school. There was some rational behind that assumption. After high school I would be able to escape some of the tough situations I have had to endure.

So off I went to a school that was 7-8 hours away. The year had it's ups and downs but there were no major mental health concerns. Even my anxiety was practically non-existent. Throughout that time, I continued to maintain a reasonably optimistic view on life. I did decide to move back after my first year, but my reasons for doing so are completely irrelevant to this topic.

Multiple things happened when I returned home. Firstly, I grew up. I don't know why or how, but I did. I used to be very immature and spent most of my time with people who were younger than me. That being said, I do recognize that I was very mature in certain aspects of my life. Overall though I was a silly girl with a carefree attitude. Secondly, moving back meant I had re-enter difficult situations. For most of my first year back I handled them fairly well.

At this point I was not as optimistic but I still thought positively. Anxiety had resurfaced but it was entirely manageable. I was going to school at the local college and for the most part life was great. I was certainly dealing with stressors, but I was able to cope with them quite well for the first little while. About 3/4 of the way through my first year of college I started to struggle again. I recognize now that this is when I should have got help. However, clearly I didn't and I carried on pretending things were fine. I was no longer an optimist.

Returning to college for my second year I was extremely pessimistic. Eventually I found myself in the midst of a mental health crisis. Fast forward about a year a half, multiple suicide attempts later, and here I am....your average pessimist.

I definitely noticed when my optimism was slipping away. As I became more and more pessimistic my happiness level seemed to get capped; It was like I could only achieve a certain amount of happiness. This was not a coincidence. I feel that optimism and overall happiness are directly linked. Growing up my mother used to always call me her “happy go lucky girl.” I haven't heard that in awhile.

About a month ago a friend and I were texting back and forth and she said something that implied I was pessimist. I was deeply offended because that confirmed what I already knew. It upset me even more because of who said it; she is someone who has only known me for a few years. That conversation made me realize that she has probably never even considered me to be as optimist. BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST!...Oh right, I'm not.

You know what? Maybe I still am. Perhaps not at this particular moment, or these past few years, but in my heart I still identity as one. I can't wait until I view the world that way again. It's just going to take some time.

Now that? That is some optimistic thinking.  

Journal Entry 3.5 - CBT in a Nutshell

May 17th, 2016

CBT in a nutshell is about changing the way you think. Our thoughts, moods, physical reactions, and behaviours are all connected. If we make a change to one of them, they are all impacted. As I understand it, CBT works on the premise that our thoughts have the largest influence over them all. According to CBT we all have negative core beliefs (that are usually created in childhood), rules and assumptions we live by, and automatic thoughts.

The example the facilitator gave was a mother that neglected her child. This resulted in the child growing up to have the negative core belief that she was unlovable. Due to this belief, she lived by the rule of doing everything everyone wants so they will love her. If something happened in her life, like losing her job, she may find she would not be able to deal with it as well as others could. This is because she can no longer cope due to being unable to to live by her rules and assumptions. This woman may have an automatic thought like “my boyfriend doesn't love me.” You challenge these “hot thoughts” by using thought record charts to come up with factual evidence for and against them. There are multiple steps and by the end of therapy you are able to come up with more balanced thoughts and ideally alter your core beliefs.  

Journal Entry 3- Group Therapy Round Two

May 17, 2016

Ugh. Yes, ugh. Ok, ok, it was not that bad.

So this is the second time I have been part of a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group. The first time was after one of my minor suicide attempts. I had attended for I'm guessing around six sessions and that was about it. The reason I stopped going was because these groups have an attendance policy; if you miss two sessions without calling, you get discharged. It started with not being able to attend a session because of work. I let her know in advance and it was not a big deal at all. The following week I was unable to go, but did not call because I lost her phone number. Naturally, the week after that I was so anxious about not calling that I once again, did not go. At that point I just gave up and never went back.

...Until today.

Unlike the first time I took CBT, I had barely any anxiety leading up to the first session. I accredit this to knowing what to expect, having the same facilitator as last time, being more willing to go to therapy, and having an overall different head space. That being said, I really did not want to go this morning. I even contemplated calling her to say that I woke up sick.

When I eventually arrived, barely on time, I pulled up a chair to the over crowded table. There were certainly more participants in this CBT group than the previous one. Dang. I like people, but the more of them there are, the more difficult it is for me to share my emotions. I also noticed that, outside of the guy who was sitting beside me, everyone was older than me. This is a positive thing because I find people my age annoying. Well, not all of them, I have my favourites.

Overall the session was boring just as I had anticipated; it's therapy not a party. I also had thousands of deja vu moments because this is not my first time taking CBT. I hate re-learning things. It also didn't help that the speaker said the exact same things in the exact same way. Even her examples have not changed. On the plus side there is a new and improved textbook. I can already tell I prefer it over the old one. Unfortunately, that means I have to purchase another textbook.

Homework. Homework. Homework. I'm a nerd and even I hate therapy homework. Historically I have always avoided it, or at best, gave it minimal effort. This time around I intend to complete everything asked of me. I have come to realize that therapy will not work if I do not try. Plus, I'm really not interested in a third round of CBT.

Now that I have spoke about diligently doing my homework, I should mention that I am not off to a good start. I was supposed complete a hand-out titled “Anxiety and Depression Inventory” and bring it to the first session. I didn't. However, I did manage to do it during the break. It was just a few sheets that required me to circle my anxiety and depression symptoms. I did the same sheets last year before CBT. However, this year my answers were not the same. I appear to be struggling less now than I was then. Woo hoo!

I also had to come up with “what I want to get out of therapy.” I can't remember exactly what I babbled on about, but it was something along the lines of “controlling my thoughts and emotions and being able to function normally again.” We'll see how that works out for me.  

The People in my Life

Earlier tonight I was messaging with a friend who lives about three hours away from me. At one point during our conversation she said the following: You have some pretty awesome people in your life (just from what I see on fb sometimes), I'm envious lol.

She is so unbelievably correct. Except, pretty awesome does not even begin to describe them. The people in my life are amazing, wonderful, extraordinary, incredible, marvellous, and magnificent. They are super heroes, fighters, and warriors. They are wise and courageous, inspirational and warmhearted. There are not enough words in the English language for me to adequately portray the people in my life. I love them beyond words.

My family. Oh my goodness I love them. I was raised by an amazing mother who would give me her left arm if that meant I wouldn't have to do without. She's the person I long to be with when I'm sick or the person I call when I am lost in the middle of no where at 1am with only a 1/4 of a tank of gas. I am the second youngest of six so my siblings are also a major part of my life. The ones closest to my age are my partners in crime as well as my nephew who is only two months younger than me. My older two siblings are the wise trail blazers of the bunch. If I were to comment on them individually this post would go on forever. I also have connected with my aunts, uncles, and cousins in recent years and it has been a great experience getting to know them.

My friends. I am blessed with many friends who have varying roles within my life. Some of them I see on a regular basis and others fade in and out. Regardless, they all have a special spot in my heart. Again, if I were to touch on each person I would be writing for days and days. I will highlight on a few of my relationships though. My beautiful best friend. I am learning as I get older that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have a best friend. It is such a wonderful relationship and I trust some of my deepest secrets with her. You are beyond amazing, Kayla! (Yes, I know you are reading this) My long distance best friend(in good traffic she lives 7 hours away). How wonderful it is to have an objective person to rant to. She is such a caring person but she is not afraid to tell-it-how-it-is. My closest Christian friend (the one I spoke about at the beginning of this entry). I am so thankful to be able to discuss things with someone who sees life through the same lens as I do. I am able to share my sins with her without fear of judgement. My mentor. Aka the most intelligent person I have ever met. She has helped me through some of my toughest struggles and is one of my biggest supporters. My friend. She may not have a specific title, but I know she is someone who will always have my back. She is also the mother of my nephew, the cutest baby on the planet. Yes, I'm extremely biased.

The people I support. The people I support have taught me things about life that I could have never fully understood without their guidance. Despite the extra adversities they experience, they triumph through life with grace.

Children. The children I support, my friends' children, and my second cousins. Children in general, really. They all inspire me. They view world with such an innocent wonder and it makes me take a step back and appreciate the small things in life.

As I mentioned above, there are not enough words in the English language for me to adequately portray the people in my life. I love them beyond words.

Oh wait! One more person: 

My dog. Ok. You're right. She is not technically a person (although she certainly thinks she is...I may or may not agree with her).Regardless, I love her to pieces and she makes my life brighter. Therefore, I am including her in this post. 

Journal Entry 2 - My Love Hate Relationship with "It Gets Better"

May 16th, 2016

This post is centered around my favourite/least favourite mental health phrase: It gets better.

Why I love it.

• It's true. Sometimes.

• This saying is applicable to so many struggles, not just mental health ones.

• It fosters hope that the future can be bright.

Why I hate it.

• It gets better implies if you wait it out long enough, you will get to the light at the end of the tunnel. This is not the case at all. You have to struggle and work hard. Trust me, if there was a magic pill, I would have taken it by now.

• The process of getting from “everything is awful” to "better" is excruciating (I currently live in the land of “I struggle everyday but it could be worse”). This phrase neglects to mention that.

• When people go through the most difficult times of their lives better can seem out of reach.

• ...Sometimes better is out of reach. For example, it gets better is often said to children and youth who are experiencing bullying. Yet, there are countless heartbreaking stories of them committing suicide. Or what about people who remain depressed their entire lives? I am not just talking about people who do nothing about their illness. There are people that have went through every therapy and medication possible but still struggle everyday. All these people? They never made it to better.

It may surprise you, based on these lists, that I love the phrase more than I hate it. That's because I have made it to better before. I think everyone can relate to going through adversity and making it to the other side. It's amazing. I'm not there yet on my current journey, but I hold on to the hope that it is entirely possible.

Dear Nathan

A Facebook status I made on May 4, 2016 

My little brother has had to hear a lot about "what he needs support with" the last few days and he will continue to hear about it for quite sometime. I just wanted to let him know that everyone needs support in some way or another and that he is in no way defined by the help he needs. 

Nathan, you have so many strengths and talents and I am certainly not the only one that thinks so. For starters, you are the funniest person I have ever met. You always say things at just the right moment. You are a walking encyclopedia about not only birds, but so many other things. Your knowledge never seizes to amaze me. You are a math wiz. When we grocery shop together your lb to kg conversions are always so helpful....and of course, accurate.Thankfully for me you are also technologically inclined. You have saved me from technological mayhem many times. The fact that you can solve a rubix cube baffles me, never mind doing it in under 30 seconds or with only one hand! We definitely need to get you in some speed cube tournaments!

 I have also always envied your ability to focus and specialize in particular subject areas. You are truly a "master" of bird knowledge! Although you know the repetitive "how's life been treatin' ya?" conversation sometimes drives me nuts, my life would be empty without it. You are my favourite person to have kicking soccer balls at my face to warm me up for the start of a soccer season. Quite frankly you are favourite person in general. You never judge me. You always push me forward in life reminding me that if "I don't challenge myself I will never learn." Only from you would I tolerate someone jumping out of no where to scare the crap out of me (although if you stopped doing that, I wouldn't object!) I could go on and on about your kind heart and all the joy you have brought to my life.

I wouldn't be me, without you! 

Journal Entry 1 - Lessons Learned

May 15, 2016

The journal entry that inspired the blog...

It has been suggested to me many times by friends and professionals alike to write down my feelings. I have tried to do this throughout my life, but it usually results in maybe a week of commitment. I definitely benefit from expressing my thoughts and emotions, but overall I find it an uncomfortable experience. Add that in with a forgetful brain and a hatred for handwriting and that pretty much sums up why I am not inclined to keep a diary. Even now I am writing this as though speaking to an audience; this method allows me to remain detached from my emotions as if I were telling a story or writing a factual assignment. I am also able to give a broad overview of my feelings opposed to going in depth. Perhaps that defeats the entire purpose, but at least it is a start, right? Depending on what I write I may let a few people in my life read this(or most likely a version of this with things edited out) so they can understand where I'm at right now. Also note that I am typing instead of handwriting, I'm such a millennial. Now on to all that emotional mumbo jumbo....

It has been just over two months since I survived my most significant suicide attempt. As someone who spends a lot of time “over-thinking,” I find myself self reflecting on my experiences a lot. This usually can be detrimental for me, spending most of my time analyzing every detail of a situation or simply picking apart my flaws. Although this trait can be debilitating, I have recently found it to not always be a negative thing. Over the past couple months, reliving my thoughts and choices has enabled me to grow as a person. Super cheesy but true. Maybe that's what I will make this weird journal/diary/letter/random document about: what I have learned from this experience.

Lesson 1: A lot of people care about me. Seriously.

As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts since age 16, I have spent a fair amount of time thinking I am a waste of space and that no one cares about me. This is simply not true. When I was in the hospital (after I became coherent, I might add) I was expecting a lot of judgement, blame, and anger. Again, not the case. I was greeted with so much love and empathy it was unreal. Of course people were upset, but not in the way I had anticipated.

I have actually received a lot of support and offers of support (I'm stubborn and don't like accepting help) over the last couple of years. At the time it felt like I was a burden and I viewed the support as people feeling morally obligated to help a pitiful girl. In hindsight, I see it for what it truly was. Concern, and most importantly, love.

Lesson 2: My death would affect other people.

This lesson ties in a lot with the first one. If people care about you, they do not want you to die. This actually reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend last year. It was shortly after one of my 'less significant' (I don't know what to call it) suicide attempts. We were driving back from Toronto which provided ample time for a heart-to-heart. At the end of the drive, I was getting out of her car and said “You don't want me to do die, do you?” She replied “The only one who wants you to die is you.” How right she was.

I had no idea the amount of people my death would impact. It would have went so far beyond my family and closest friends. The people I would have least expected stepped up to help me the most. Even the people I support missed me in my absence.

One of my fondest memories of returning to work started off as a terrible day. I was about to start my second shift back and I was feeling incompetent and insecure in my abilities to perform my job. I was waiting for one of the girls I supported that evening to get off her school bus. I could see her frantically waving to me out the window; she was beyond excited to see me. As soon as she stepped off the bus her face lit up as she screamed out my name, followed by a loud “I missed you.” Best. Feeling. Ever. If I was that horrible at my job, I wouldn't have received that reaction.

Lesson 3: Returning to life is hard

Step 1 – The hospital

During my stay in the hospital I struggled a lot. I was going through so many emotions and there were a million thoughts racing through my brain. To say it was overwhelming is an understatement. I absolutely despised being there, but that being said, it still sheltered me from the real world. I had very little responsibilities or stressors to deal with.

Step 2 – Returning home

When I first got home from the hospital I had two weeks before I had to return to work. This is when I really started to process what had just happened. At this point my main focus was scheduling appointments(terrible, I hate phone calls), attempting to manage my anxiety, and overall just trying to stay alive. Literally. My responsibilities were returning but I was able to avoid most of them.

I also had so many well-wishers(many who had no idea I tried to kill myself) that wanted to see me. Understandably, my mom also wanted to spend a few nights at my apartment. Unfortunately neither the visitors or the house guest appealed to me. I was too emotionally drained to deal with too many people or to be over coddled and closely watched. My solution to this was coming up with excuses and/or avoiding people all together. That's not to say I didn't speak to anyone during this period, I was just selective. I definitely needed support.

Step 3 – Back to work and now (This. Step. Sucked.)

First was the anxiety about returning to work and what that process entailed. I was supposed to return to work after two weeks but it ended up being three and half. Not so fun when you are beyond broke. I am including that extra week and half in this 'step'. I also had a very bad period of not being able to get out of bed. Then I actually had to start going to the stupid appointments I scheduled. Therapy appointments induce lots of annoying emotions that I now have to balance with functioning at work. Oh, and those responsibilities I avoided in step 2? They get worse when you don't deal with them. Naturally I have dealt with some of them and avoided the rest.

The hardest part about this step has been having to return to work, social obligations, responsibilities, etc., as if nothing had ever happened. Now people are starting to fade away a bit and I have had to stand on my own two feet. To them I survived and it's over. To me the journey of recovery has barely begun. It's not that people completely stopped helping me, just not as much and in a different way. Starting to deal with life independently again has been tremendously scarey, but it needed to happen. It has taken me awhile, but I am starting to function some-what normally now.

I continue to deal with what I call “phases” of emotion that I go through. They include things like feeling numb, depressed, too happy, normal, anxious, etc. My suicidal thoughts are persistent if nothing else. They have continued, but generally they have been passing thoughts that I would not act on. Although in all honesty, the last week they have been a little tougher to deal with again. However, I think I have been managing quite well considering. Thankfully I have not went through a “suicidal phase” since I tried to kill myself. I would say that's progress!

Lesson 4: It's ok not to be ok

So cliche but so true. If you don't admit you're not ok, you can't (and won't) get the help you need. I have learned that so many people are not ok, and that, well, that's ok!

Lesson 5: You have to want to recover

This is a lesson I have had to learn over and over again in the past few years. Thankfully, I think it has finally clicked. I now make the choice to live everyday. I actually put effort into my therapy and listen to what they are saying. I seek help opposed to being dragged to it. I practice coping techniques at home and I research ways to deal with what I struggle with. I have even joined online support groups! Some days wanting to recover is easier that others, but it is a must!

Lesson 5: Recovering is going to be long and terrible but thankfully...

Lesson 6: I am stronger than I ever could have imagined

Lesson 7: Don't tell people my diagnosis

This lesson did not take me very long to learn. Initially I was so happy to have a diagnosis; it enabled me to have better understanding of what is going on with me. However, people assume the decisions I make and thoughts I have all revolve around the diagnosis. For example, yes being impulsive is part of my diagnosis, but no I did not go out to dinner because of it. Last time I checked, I am not the only person in the world to decide to go out for dinner last minute. What actually motivated me was not wanting to cook, not my diagnosis. So as helpful as a diagnosis is, for the most part I'll keep it to myself.

Lesson 8: Fake it until you make it still works

This a coping mechanism that has always worked for me when I'm feeling down. For example, if I don't want to go out with my friend, I should do it anyway. Faking it gets me out of the house and sometimes I even end up enjoying myself! Other times I go home overwhelmed and recluse to my bed. It's certainly worth try.

Lesson 9: God didn't forget about me, he's the reason I'm still alive.

For a long time I was angry at God. Why was he letting these things happen to me? Where was he? As I look back I realize he was always there. There are so many times I could not have made it without him. Lately I have been spending time thinking about the people he has put in my life. There are certain people in particular that appeared at just the right moment. I have also been reflecting on specific events or thoughts that have literally redirected the course of my life. I am so blessed and thankful.