August 31/2016
Yesterday was a highly anticipated day off work, but that did not stop me from being grumpy and discouraged. I managed to drag my butt to group therapy and then spent a little time at home. I had not seen my friend "Sarah" for awhile and we had arranged to meet yesterday evening. I was so miserable and did not want to go, but I knew I would regret canceling and it would likely be a long time before I saw her again.
So I went. I even arrived a little early so I would have time to mentally prepare myself. I wanted to put my happy face on, but faking it seemed to be more challenging than I had anticipated. Naturally, my inner voice was upset that I had not cancelled. I was not anxious about the situation, I was just concerned that I was going to be a jerk for no apparent reason. Which, of course, resulted in anxiety!
But guess what? It was totally fine. That's the thing, everything is always fine with Sarah. I have no idea why, but she is just one of those people in my life that makes me feel better. It is interesting because she is not exactly a super-approachable, over-coddling type of person. She can actually be quite intimidating. She is most certainly kind, but she is one of those tough-on-the-outside people. Perhaps random people on the street are not compelled to approach her, but people who know her seem to be drawn to her. I think it's a strong possibility that it could be because she has a concealed super power or access to government secrets. Or both. Honestly though, she's a great person and I aspire to be like her any many ways.
So how/why is she a 'purpose person' for me? Here are some of the many reasons:
1. She became part of my life at right time.
I met Sarah at a point in my life when I was thriving. She was able to see what a "healthy" Amanda looks like and I got to know her without my mental health issues interfering. Then, after I got to know and trust her, I found myself in mental health crisis. Although she did not save me from a burning building, she has literally saved my life. I could elaborate on that, but those are tough memories for me combined with a lot of guilt.
2. She has helped to increase my self-esteem
I will never forget the first time I genuinely believed I was smart. Do I still struggle to believe this? Yes. But there was one specific day where I just wholeheartedly thought I was intelligent. I just felt like such a capable person, it was amazing. It was mainly because of a conversation I had with Sarah and an e-mail she sent afterwards. I don't know that she would even remember that day; it probably seemed like an insignificant ordinary day to her. This is just one of many, many examples. Although, the rest are not "ah ha" moments like this, they happened gradually over time.
3. She is a positive role model/mentor
Perhaps role model is a bit of an elementary term, but I do not feel mentor fully describes what I want to convey. I think everyone in my inner circle (and beyond) knows how much I look up to this woman. Sarah has been great a point of reference for many of the traits I want acquire and goals I want to achieve. A.k.a. I like to copy her. Well sometimes I like to copy her. .I would like to point out that I genuinely did not cut my hair off because she has short hair. Someone asked me that and honestly that was not my reasoning. Maybe on some subconscious level seeing her rock her short hair made me more likely to try it? Who knows.
4. She makes me feel better
I am someone who struggles to regulate my moods. So as you can imagine, having someone in my life who can balance them out by merely being present is a God send. Now if that could be put in pill form, all my issues would be resolved. Obviously she doesn't actually cure my problems. I've had some of my worst panic attacks her presence. However, knowing she was there made a world of difference. Also, as a side note, she has an extremely calming voice.
5. She tells it how it is and genuinely cares about what is in my best interest
Sarah is usually fairly blunt and honest with me. In the moment I don't always love it, but it's often (okay always) what I need to hear. I have made the decision to no longer rely on her in a crisis, but I still know if I needed her help, she would not have an ulterior motive.
6. Most importantly, I value her friendship
She is fun and awesome and I love spending time with fun and awesome people! I'm certainly blessed and thankful to have her in my life.
There is soooooooooooooooooooo much more I could say about my friendship with "Sarah", but I'm tired, this post is already way too long, and I don't really think the internet needs to know anymore than this.
Wednesday 31 August 2016
Tuesday 30 August 2016
Journal 15 - Purpose People
August 30th, 2016
I firmly believe that God has placed many people in my life for specific reasons. Some of those people have come and gone and the rest continue to remain part of my world. Of course, practically everyone I have ever met has impacted me in some way. However, for the purposes of this post, I am referring people that I can look back and see the direct impact they have had on my life. I think these relationships can have a one-sided purpose or be mutually beneficial. I believe that, perhaps, I too have served a purpose for someone else. You can never really truly know how far your words and actions travel.
This may seem like it is coming out of no where, especially considering my previous post. I was inspired to share these thoughts because I spent some time with one of these people today. I am going to write a little about that relationship in my next post and why just spending time with her shed a little light on a dark day. Ideally I will find the time and motivation to write about many other positive relationships in my life. Although mental illness can sometimes taint my perception, often just thinking about the people I care about can bring me a touch of joy in the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing about them will bring me comfort as I currently continue to struggle.
...But for now, I shall seek comfort in some wonderful sleep. What's not to love about that?
I firmly believe that God has placed many people in my life for specific reasons. Some of those people have come and gone and the rest continue to remain part of my world. Of course, practically everyone I have ever met has impacted me in some way. However, for the purposes of this post, I am referring people that I can look back and see the direct impact they have had on my life. I think these relationships can have a one-sided purpose or be mutually beneficial. I believe that, perhaps, I too have served a purpose for someone else. You can never really truly know how far your words and actions travel.
This may seem like it is coming out of no where, especially considering my previous post. I was inspired to share these thoughts because I spent some time with one of these people today. I am going to write a little about that relationship in my next post and why just spending time with her shed a little light on a dark day. Ideally I will find the time and motivation to write about many other positive relationships in my life. Although mental illness can sometimes taint my perception, often just thinking about the people I care about can bring me a touch of joy in the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing about them will bring me comfort as I currently continue to struggle.
...But for now, I shall seek comfort in some wonderful sleep. What's not to love about that?
Sunday 21 August 2016
Journal 14 -At a Crossroads and Fresh out of Hope
August 21st, 2016
I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.
Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.
I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.
I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.
You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?
I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.
Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.
I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.
I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.
You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?
I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.
Monday 1 August 2016
July is a jerk! So that means August is amazing, right?
August 1st, 2016.
Well overall July has not been a great month for me. My dog's expensive surgery and my broken car were the biggest of my many issues this month. Fortunately, I have managed to remain fairly calm and collected. I honestly think the nice weather helps me cope with disasters. I can almost guarantee that if all this stuff happened in January, I'd be a wreck.
The purpose of this entry is not for me to vent about every little thing that has happened. I am writing this to remind myself that August can still be awesome. I have another month of lots of hours at work, summer sun, and I still have some plans left to enjoy (which of course will be more difficult if my car ends up being not worth repairing...). <Ignore the bitterness!
So here's to August. It's going to be amazing.
Well overall July has not been a great month for me. My dog's expensive surgery and my broken car were the biggest of my many issues this month. Fortunately, I have managed to remain fairly calm and collected. I honestly think the nice weather helps me cope with disasters. I can almost guarantee that if all this stuff happened in January, I'd be a wreck.
The purpose of this entry is not for me to vent about every little thing that has happened. I am writing this to remind myself that August can still be awesome. I have another month of lots of hours at work, summer sun, and I still have some plans left to enjoy (which of course will be more difficult if my car ends up being not worth repairing...). <Ignore the bitterness!
So here's to August. It's going to be amazing.
Journal Entry 13 - Random Anxiety
August 1st, 2016
Two nights ago I went to bed at a decent time. I had worked an 11am-7pm shift beforehand and that went quite well. I had even eaten all my meals and I did not eat anything outrageously unhealthy. I said no to a friend for going out late to an event, but she understood and I did not feel overwhelmingly guilty about not going. I knew I worked 11am-10pm the following day (turned out to be 10:30), so I felt that I was doing what was best for myself by not going. I made my brother and I dinner, relaxed for a bit and then went to bed. Everything was fine.
Fast forward to around 2 am and I woke up to having quite a bad panic attack. It was out of no where. I started to talk to myself and try to calm down. "You're ok, you're just having a panic attack. You're in you're bed. You're fine. You're safe" Then I started trying to do a thought record in my head because there was no way I could have wrote anything down. I was also half asleep and shocked that this was going on. I started to try and assess my thoughts. Why was I anxious? What was upsetting me? My anxiety was upsetting me but I could not find any underlying reason for the anxiety. I started flailing around and freaking out because my bed was too small. I started throwing all of my pillows and blankets off my bed. I kept trying to go back to sleep which got me more upset as I continued to flail around on my bed. I wanted it to stop. Then I told myself to "get up. If I can't sleep, I should just get up." I got up, went to the bathroom, and got a drink. I spent a little time with my dog and after not too too long, I went back to bed.
This particular panic attack felt like a much milder version of the one I had when I first woke up in the hospital in March. It was very similar. Except in March I was begging to get up but the nurse would not allow me to because of all of the drugs in my system. (Don't blame the nurse, she was right. The next day I forced them to let me get up. Guess what? I couldn't and if wasn't for them, I would have fell. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes.) Anyway, in hindsight, I think this particular panic attack may have been cause by a bad dream I do not remember. I have also had a stressful month, so perhaps that could have unconsciously impacted me. Who knows? The mind is a mysterious thing.
Two nights ago I went to bed at a decent time. I had worked an 11am-7pm shift beforehand and that went quite well. I had even eaten all my meals and I did not eat anything outrageously unhealthy. I said no to a friend for going out late to an event, but she understood and I did not feel overwhelmingly guilty about not going. I knew I worked 11am-10pm the following day (turned out to be 10:30), so I felt that I was doing what was best for myself by not going. I made my brother and I dinner, relaxed for a bit and then went to bed. Everything was fine.
Fast forward to around 2 am and I woke up to having quite a bad panic attack. It was out of no where. I started to talk to myself and try to calm down. "You're ok, you're just having a panic attack. You're in you're bed. You're fine. You're safe" Then I started trying to do a thought record in my head because there was no way I could have wrote anything down. I was also half asleep and shocked that this was going on. I started to try and assess my thoughts. Why was I anxious? What was upsetting me? My anxiety was upsetting me but I could not find any underlying reason for the anxiety. I started flailing around and freaking out because my bed was too small. I started throwing all of my pillows and blankets off my bed. I kept trying to go back to sleep which got me more upset as I continued to flail around on my bed. I wanted it to stop. Then I told myself to "get up. If I can't sleep, I should just get up." I got up, went to the bathroom, and got a drink. I spent a little time with my dog and after not too too long, I went back to bed.
This particular panic attack felt like a much milder version of the one I had when I first woke up in the hospital in March. It was very similar. Except in March I was begging to get up but the nurse would not allow me to because of all of the drugs in my system. (Don't blame the nurse, she was right. The next day I forced them to let me get up. Guess what? I couldn't and if wasn't for them, I would have fell. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes.) Anyway, in hindsight, I think this particular panic attack may have been cause by a bad dream I do not remember. I have also had a stressful month, so perhaps that could have unconsciously impacted me. Who knows? The mind is a mysterious thing.
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