Journal Entry 11 - Therapy/Counselling Update

June 28th, 2018

It has been a few weeks since I have given any sort of update on how my therapy is going. My plan for this post is to give an overview of the last few weeks. Today was session eight of group therapy and I have attended a total of six sessions.

I had a group therapy session the day after I got back from Ottawa. It was the morning after what I spoke about in "Journal Entry 10" had happened. I was in an absolutely terrible state of mind. I was almost entirely silent for most of the session. Yes you read that right, I was silent. It's rare but it does occur every so often. It's very out of character for me, but I would like to clarify that it does not always mean I am upset. It usually does, but not always. That day I was experiencing many negative emotions and I put my head down on the table during the break. Needless to say I was not having a good day.

So here is the thing about me, I like to fake that I'm okay. Sometimes I am good at faking and sometimes I'm not. There are some days where I really struggle to even try to pretend life is just dandy. I usually can tell if it's one of those days as soon as I wake up. If that is the case I usually try to avoid/get out of whatever commitments I have for that day. If that is not possible I at least try to get out of some of them. Ironically enough, if I have time, those are the days I really try hard to make sure both my hair (when I had hair) and make-up are done. Again, to clarify, I'm not having a bad day every time my hair and make-up are done. When my hair and make-up are done I feel a little bit better about myself and so I hope people will pay more attention to how I look than my behaviour.

Anyway, back to therapy. I knew that morning I wasn't going to be able to "fake it," but I decided that I would go anyway. It's therapy after all, right? Shouldn't that be the one place I can be not okay? I'm not sure that I took much away from that session, but I showed up. I was listening but my mind wondered quite frequently. I was unwilling to share what little homework I had completed, even when directly asked to do so.  When I was leaving the facilitator asked me if I was okay. I, of course, said yes. Then she gave me the "don't go home and kill yourself look" and I walked out. I hate that look, even if it is justified.

The following week I had a very useful individual counselling session. By that point I was in a better state of mind and I was able to reflect on everything I had been going through. We also spoke about some of the ongoing issues I continue to face. I have now recognized that these things are an issue and I am working on problem solving. I may not have the solutions but this is an essential first step. I left the session feeling back in control of my life, empowered, and looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

I skipped the next week of group therapy. I slept in and I did not want be late for the third time in a row. I also really just wanted to sleep and at the time therapy did not seem like a good alternative to that.

Today's therapy was pretty good. Getting ready in the morning was less stressful than usual because I actually had a decent sleep the night before and woke up in plenty of time. I even had the chance to do all the homework beforehand (Yes I did the homework the day of...) It was nice to not have to worry about being late, looking like crap, and having homework that was incomplete.

Since I did all of the homework I was able to go over my thought record with the group and get constructive feedback. I should write a separate post about my struggle with thought records. Another thing to add to the list! It was also nice to hear everyone else's thought records. I also spoke to another participant about our people pleasing, perfectionism ways. It appears we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do other people. It's also refreshing to be reminded that I am not the only one who dwells on things. I shared with the group my difficulty with not  knowing what to expect in new situations. I have an easier time doing something new spontaneously because I do not have as much time to over-analyze it and worry.

Well, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Now it's time for me to get ready for work! Toodles! (Toodles? I'm so weird...)

Journal Entry 10 - I'm a Rockstar

June 15, 2016

On Saturday I wrote half of a long and emotional post. I saved it (or so I thought) and went to work. When I returned to finish it it was no where to be found. I was frustrated and decided not to make a post about that week. However, I have changed my mind. There was something that happened and I think I should express my feelings about the situation. Most of the other 'things' I wrote about before the document disappeared. I am not writing about them again because it was challenging enough for me the first time!  I also find it helpful to reflect back on my previous entries; what I am about to write will be beneficial for me to read in the future.

I had a great time in Ottawa, but I returned feeling overwhelmed. I find that when I am in that frame of mind my reactions to situations are more intense. I also hadn't slept well that entire week. I'm sure my lack of sleep also contributed to my emotional state. Anyway, to sum it up quickly, lots of unfortunate things happened the afternoon/evening I got back from Ottawa. By the time I left my soccer game I felt like a useless, unimportant person who should just go kill herself. I have not felt that terrible since I tried to in March.

On my way home I was asking myself questions like: Should I smash my car? Stop at the drug store? Use a belt? I started to panic. This was not a planned situation. This was entirely my impulsive brain reacting to how I felt in that moment. The miracle? I recognized that.

By the grace of God I was somehow able to calm myself down. I didn't even use self-harm to do it. No biting, scratching, or pinching.....not even a little bit. I didn't go get alcohol or take a bunch of pills to numb how I felt. You know what I did? I went home. I realized I was being impulsive and I told myself I could re-think this decision tomorrow. Was this good experience? Obviously not. Was it easy? Nope. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

In the past I have planned to kill myself, I have impulsively wanted to kill myself, and in March I put those two things together (no that has not been my only attempt). I currently have a plan in the back of my mind but only to appease my brain. For some reason it won't let me be plan-free. However, the details are not all figured out and I have absolutely no intention of carrying it out. I refuse to tell people what it is because I know I will then come up with a new one. I figure the less time I spend thinking about it the better.

So I am not actively planning suicide and I have the ability to stop myself from doing it impulsively. THAT IS HUGE. Seriously. I used to only realize my behaviour was impulsive in hindsight and the fact that I am not planning to kill myself shows how much progress I have made.

....Because of all of this awesomeness I have now decided I am rockstar. I deserve some sort of praise...even if it is only from myself. You know what? That's the person I need it from the most.

***Two side notes***

1. I left out tons of details because I was too lazy to write them again. Oh well, at least I gave some context. I also did not add how I reacted when I got home. It was a rough night (and week quite frankly) but just know I did not harm myself in anyway.
2. I did not magically obtain the ability to recognize and stop my impulsive behaviour. Perhaps I will make a post about that in the future.   

Journal Entry 9 - Ottawa Trip

June 8^th, 2016

I mentioned in my last post that I was going away to Ottawa. I got back a couple days ago and it was certainly a fun adventure! Practically everything I did was outside of my comfort zone. I hate highway driving so the fact that I went on such a trip was a huge step for me. Never mind that I actually drove in a big city! Mind you, I only drove in downtown Ottawa once and the whole time my friend was telling me where to go and what lane to be in. Baby steps, right? Driving is not something that came naturally to me. My mother, who taught me, could certainly attest to this. I have come a long way since almost putting us in a ditch while driving 10 km an hour on a back road.

I'm also not someone who would be described as outdoorsy or adventurous. On trips like this I would usually being going up for an indoor event and on my spare time go to places like shopping malls. Not this time. I went to Ottawa for a 6 km mud obstacle course....and by mud, I mean mud. Like swimming in thick disgusting mud. Getting it up my nose, brushing it out of my braces. That kind of mud. At one point I even started to panic at the top of an obstacle. All while covered in mud, of course.

On our spare time we went on a hike and we went spelunking in cave. (Apparently that's a thing?) Who knows what could have been in that water? All we had for light was the flashlight app on my cellphone. It was so dark, cold, and slimy. I must have drove my friend nuts constantly implying our imminent death. Okay, it was more than implying, “we are going to slip and crack our heads open and no one will find our dead bodies.”

Not every experience was overwhelming for me; we did do a couple of things that were well within my comfort zone. We checked out the Parliament buildings, went out to dinner and ate at a sit down chocolate place. I got to experience fondue for the first time which was amazing.

This trip was also my first time going away overnight since getting out of the hospital in March. Going away has never been a huge deal for me, but this time it was. Going away meant I couldn't just go home and hide when my emotions were overwhelming. I also didn't have the safety net of a familiar environment or familiar people (outside of my friend, of course).

Emotionally this trip was draining. The first hour of driving to Ottawa I was doing breathing exercises and forcing myself not to turn around and go home. Throughout my trip I was in a constant state of anxiety but I was able to manage it okay. I did not sleep well. I was in a panic leaving Ottawa because my gps re-routed me and I was paranoid I was going to end up on the Queensway. I called my friend but could not get a hold of her. Fortunately that is not what ended up happening.

Overall though, it was so worth it. I am thankful my friend encouraged me to go past my limits. I am proud of all that I accomplished in Ottawa. I am also glad I got to spend so much time with my friend. We have never spent that much time together. I even got to see another friend on my way home. I stopped in at her place and spent the night.

Would I do it all again? No. But that's okay. It was a good one time experience.

Journal Entry 8 - Counselling and Group Therapy Were Awesome This Week!

June 1^st, 2016

Group therapy yesterday was great! We talked about activity schedules (I didn't do one because I wasn't there last week) and reviewed chapter 3. I personally spoke a lot about how avoidance is a large problem for me. It was very helpful to hear from one participant in particular who has similar struggles.

Not only do I go to the hospital for this CBT group, but I also see a nurse/counsellor/lady every two weeks for one-on-one sessions. This woman has an interest in learning how to facilitate group therapy, so ironically enough she attends every week of therapy to learn.

I was actually quite upset on the first day of therapy when I saw her there (I neglected to mention that in my post about the first session). I felt like for three people, myself included, she would write every time we said anything. I, of course, made the assumption that the other two people were her clients too and she was keeping extra close tabs on us or something. In hindsight it seems silly, but my anxious mind does that to me sometimes. I was probably over analyzing the situation and when she wrote the timing was most likely coincidental.

I just got back from my appointment with her about a half hour ago. It turns out, having her at therapy makes our individual sessions much better! We could relate back to things I said at CBT without me having to fully explain them again. It's really a win-win. My session with her also went really well. Group therapy helped me this week with a couple broad issues and my session with her helped me come up with solutions to specific problems.

So I far I feel great today. Now I am in an awesome state of mind to go away to Ottawa for five days.

I'm going to visit a friend while I am there and we will be doing a 6k mud obstacle course. Bring on the mud! ... But not too much mud. Mud is gross.