June 15, 2016
On Saturday I wrote half of a long and
emotional post. I saved it (or so I thought) and went to work. When I
returned to finish it it was no where to be found. I was frustrated
and decided not to make a post about that week. However, I have
changed my mind. There was something that happened and I think I
should express my feelings about the situation. Most of the other
'things' I wrote about before the document disappeared. I am not writing about them again because it was challenging enough for me the first time! I also find it helpful to reflect back on my previous entries;
what I am about to write will be beneficial for me to read in the
future.
I had a great time in Ottawa, but I
returned feeling overwhelmed. I find that when I am in that frame of
mind my reactions to situations are more intense. I also hadn't slept
well that entire week. I'm sure my lack of sleep also contributed to my emotional
state. Anyway, to sum it up quickly, lots of unfortunate things
happened the afternoon/evening I got back from Ottawa. By the time I
left my soccer game I felt like a useless, unimportant person who
should just go kill herself. I have not felt that terrible since I
tried to in March.
On my way home I was asking myself
questions like: Should I smash my car? Stop at the drug store? Use a
belt? I started to panic. This was not a planned situation. This was
entirely my impulsive brain reacting to how I felt in that moment.
The miracle? I recognized that.
By the grace of God I was somehow able
to calm myself down. I didn't even use self-harm to do it. No biting,
scratching, or pinching.....not even a little bit. I didn't go get
alcohol or take a bunch of pills to numb how I felt. You know what I
did? I went home. I realized I was being impulsive and I told myself
I could re-think this decision tomorrow. Was this good experience?
Obviously not. Was it easy? Nope. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
In the past I have planned to kill
myself, I have impulsively wanted to kill myself, and in March I put
those two things together (no that has not been my only attempt). I
currently have a plan in the back of my mind but only to appease my
brain. For some reason it won't let me be plan-free. However, the
details are not all figured out and I have absolutely no intention of
carrying it out. I refuse to tell people what it is because I know I
will then come up with a new one. I figure the less time I spend
thinking about it the better.
So I am not actively planning suicide
and I have the ability to stop myself from doing it impulsively. THAT
IS HUGE. Seriously. I used to only realize my behaviour was impulsive
in hindsight and the fact that I am not planning to kill myself shows
how much progress I have made.
....Because of all of this awesomeness
I have now decided I am rockstar. I deserve some sort of praise...even
if it is only from myself. You know what? That's the person I need it
from the most.
***Two side notes***
- I left out tons of details because I was too lazy to write them again. Oh well, at least I gave some context. I also did not add how I reacted when I got home. It was a rough night (and week quite frankly) but just know I did not harm myself in anyway.
- I did not magically obtain the ability to recognize and stop my impulsive behaviour. Perhaps I will make a post about that in the future.
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