June 28th, 2018
It has been a few weeks since I have given any sort of update on how my therapy is going. My plan for this post is to give an overview of the last few weeks. Today was session eight of group therapy and I have attended a total of six sessions.
I had a group therapy session the day after I got back from Ottawa. It was the morning after what I spoke about in "Journal Entry 10" had happened. I was in an absolutely terrible state of mind. I was almost entirely silent for most of the session. Yes you read that right, I was silent. It's rare but it does occur every so often. It's very out of character for me, but I would like to clarify that it does not always mean I am upset. It usually does, but not always. That day I was experiencing many negative emotions and I put my head down on the table during the break. Needless to say I was not having a good day.
So here is the thing about me, I like to fake that I'm okay. Sometimes I am good at faking and sometimes I'm not. There are some days where I really struggle to even try to pretend life is just dandy. I usually can tell if it's one of those days as soon as I wake up. If that is the case I usually try to avoid/get out of whatever commitments I have for that day. If that is not possible I at least try to get out of some of them. Ironically enough, if I have time, those are the days I really try hard to make sure both my hair (when I had hair) and make-up are done. Again, to clarify, I'm not having a bad day every time my hair and make-up are done. When my hair and make-up are done I feel a little bit better about myself and so I hope people will pay more attention to how I look than my behaviour.
Anyway, back to therapy. I knew that morning I wasn't going to be able to "fake it," but I decided that I would go anyway. It's therapy after all, right? Shouldn't that be the one place I can be not okay? I'm not sure that I took much away from that session, but I showed up. I was listening but my mind wondered quite frequently. I was unwilling to share what little homework I had completed, even when directly asked to do so. When I was leaving the facilitator asked me if I was okay. I, of course, said yes. Then she gave me the "don't go home and kill yourself look" and I walked out. I hate that look, even if it is justified.
The following week I had a very useful individual counselling session. By that point I was in a better state of mind and I was able to reflect on everything I had been going through. We also spoke about some of the ongoing issues I continue to face. I have now recognized that these things are an issue and I am working on problem solving. I may not have the solutions but this is an essential first step. I left the session feeling back in control of my life, empowered, and looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
I skipped the next week of group therapy. I slept in and I did not want be late for the third time in a row. I also really just wanted to sleep and at the time therapy did not seem like a good alternative to that.
Today's therapy was pretty good. Getting ready in the morning was less stressful than usual because I actually had a decent sleep the night before and woke up in plenty of time. I even had the chance to do all the homework beforehand (Yes I did the homework the day of...) It was nice to not have to worry about being late, looking like crap, and having homework that was incomplete.
Since I did all of the homework I was able to go over my thought record with the group and get constructive feedback. I should write a separate post about my struggle with thought records. Another thing to add to the list! It was also nice to hear everyone else's thought records. I also spoke to another participant about our people pleasing, perfectionism ways. It appears we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do other people. It's also refreshing to be reminded that I am not the only one who dwells on things. I shared with the group my difficulty with not knowing what to expect in new situations. I have an easier time doing something new spontaneously because I do not have as much time to over-analyze it and worry.
Well, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Now it's time for me to get ready for work! Toodles! (Toodles? I'm so weird...)
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