Journal Entry 7 - I'm Struggling

May 30^th, 2016

It has been about a week since my last post. I suppose that means it is time for me to write again. How are things going for me? Well to be entirely honest, I am continuing to struggle. It's quite disheartening really. I have made so much progress since leaving the hospital and now it feels like it is all slipping away. However, I am trying not to put too much thought into that; if I don't believe I am moving forward, it will be impossible for me to do so.

When I am struggling I usually do one of two things: lay in bed and avoid the world or keep quite busy. I have currently been doing the latter. Mostly to try to convince myself and others that I am doing just fine. I figure that, if I post a bunch of photos of me hanging out with people and doing fun things, everyone will think my life is going great. It's also a distraction for me, and quite often, an avoidance technique. For example, tonight when I was leaving soccer, my friend's team arrived to play their game. I decided to watch her game. Of course watching her game interests me, but my real motivation was avoiding doing my therapy homework (funny how that's still not done...) and not wanting to go home to my responsibilities. Surprisingly, I watched her for about ten minutes and then made the conscious choice to leave.

For the past two years there has been one main person I would go to to talk about these struggles. Lately I have been purposely not going to her when my mental health is not great. On occasions we do talk about it, I try not to go in any depth. There are various reasons for this, but overall I think it is a good thing...hence why I am doing it. Except for when I'm suicidal. Then it might not be a good thing. I know I wouldn't go to her.... which is kind of scary, really. She has literally saved my life countless times. As someone who is striving to get better, knowing I don't have a “safe guard” if things get extremely bad again is terrifying. Who knows what could happen. Well I guess I do know what could happen, I could be dead. Rational, goal oriented Amanda doesn't want to be dead, but I know anxious, confused Amanda would have no problem with it. Ideally I will never be in that dark of a place again. Unfortunately these past couple week have taught me that that is still entirely possible.

ANYWAY...enough of that. 

I would like to say that at this very moment I am doing okay. I ended the night on a fairly positive note which is always good. I'm stressing a bit about group therapy tomorrow and a counselling appointment I have the day after tomorrow. Among many other things, of course. I also have lots to do and little time to do it before I leave to go to Ottawa. Thankfully though, I am coping okay at the moment. Not amazingly, but okay.

I'm good with okay.

Journal Entry 6 - I'm Upset

May 24^th, 2016

I am going to start off by saying this is a pretty pointless blog post. It does not have a purpose or theme like all of the other posts I have made. I suppose it does to an extent...but it is certainly not going to be a well organized layout of my thoughts. The grammar will most likely be terrible, but I hope that it will at least be comprehensible. It's pretty much going to be a rant and I have no idea what the “point” of said rant will be.

I'm upset. If you haven't noticed by now all of my other posts are fairly positive and anything negative is about past experiences. It doesn't have to be far in the past, but it is just not how I am currently feeling. There are few reasons for this. One, I haven't had this blog very long. For the amount of time I have had this blog, life has been not too bad. I am not saying I haven't struggled, but overall I have been fairly good at coping with difficulties (or avoiding them, of course). Another reason is that I like to pretend I am okay. Particularly in front of other people. The last and most prominent reason is that I do no like talking about my feelings as feel them. I am usually pretty okay with reflecting on past feelings, but current ones, no thanks. I just don't like feeling strong negative emotions...I guess no one does. But for me I just try to avoid feeling them. Obviously that doesn't always work, but I certainly try. Talking/writing about them just makes me feel them more and most of the time I don't like that(I feel better AFTER...but who wants to wait for after?) That's where this blog post comes in. I think.

I am not actually going to type a word about why I'm upset or what emotion I mean by “upset.” I'm not ready to do that. (Quite frankly I am feeling a few!) The reason I am writing this is to write while I'm upset and try to get out at least some of my feelings ish. I recognize this is something I need to work on. So this, this is my pathetic attempt at trying. Mind you, I have already vented about something that was upsetting me to my friend, Sam. Which has calmed me down a bit. I needed to know if the particular thing I was thinking was all “in my head.” She decided it was, as usual. Thank goodness because if it wasn't I would be crying not writing a blog post. As much as I just spoke about not dealing with my feelings as a feel them, there are two people in my life who I am willing to speak to about them. Sam being one of them.... and it's pretty easy to guess who the second person is. 

I also think it is important for me to write about the fact that I am upset, because it is a reality of my situation. Not everyday is filled with a hope for the future and growth as a person. Many days I take ten steps back. I am slowly and truly getting better, but not everyday. Today I feel like I did a month ago. That is taking a few steps back for sure. But tomorrow I could feel like I did yesterday, or even better. Hence where the growth comes in. I could even grow from today and however long I continue to feel crummy....But unfortunately, like many things in life, that growth comes from looking back in hindsight. Here's hoping I don't feel like I did two months ago any time soon. Although to be honest with you, at this point I don't even frigging care. I'm going to bed.

Journal Entry 5 - I Skipped Therapy

May 24^th, 2016

Yes, I skipped the second session of therapy today. There were four reasons for this.

1. I have a cold and I did not sleep well because of it. I also had a lot of anxiety last night, which was awesome. Not. On top of that colds are always worse in the morning. Which, of course, is when I have therapy. She also said last session that if we are sick, we shouldn't come.                         
2. I did not complete any of the homework. The facilitator made it very clear that doing the homework is important and continuously not doing it could result in discharge. That being said, she also stated that if there are times that we don't do it, we should not skip therapy because of it.                                                                                                                                                       
3. I did not purchase the textbook. I got paid on Friday and “class” was Tuesday (today). I planned to just buy it yesterday. That makes sense, right? Wrong. I forgot it was a holiday. Not having a textbook contributed to me not doing some of the homework, but I can't use that as an excuse for all of it. Some of the homework this week was hand-outs.                                               
4. I did not want to go.

So there you have it, I skipped therapy. I'm such a rebel. I probably should have went considering the mood I am in right now. Whatever. I'll go next week.

Journal Entry 4 - Am I Still an Optimist?

For most of my life I have been known as an optimist. Not only did others view me this way, but it is how I viewed myself. I have always considered optimism as part of my personality. Despite the pessimism that now plagues my life, I still believe that it is part of who I am. I think highly of this character trait and would love to see it fully return into my life.

I struggled with suicidal thoughts in high school but I continued to be an optimist. I viewed myself negatively but my perception of the world was still positive. I was always able to find the good in every bad and I held onto to hope that the future would be bright. I seemed to think that life would magically get better after high school. There was some rational behind that assumption. After high school I would be able to escape some of the tough situations I have had to endure.

So off I went to a school that was 7-8 hours away. The year had it's ups and downs but there were no major mental health concerns. Even my anxiety was practically non-existent. Throughout that time, I continued to maintain a reasonably optimistic view on life. I did decide to move back after my first year, but my reasons for doing so are completely irrelevant to this topic.

Multiple things happened when I returned home. Firstly, I grew up. I don't know why or how, but I did. I used to be very immature and spent most of my time with people who were younger than me. That being said, I do recognize that I was very mature in certain aspects of my life. Overall though I was a silly girl with a carefree attitude. Secondly, moving back meant I had re-enter difficult situations. For most of my first year back I handled them fairly well.

At this point I was not as optimistic but I still thought positively. Anxiety had resurfaced but it was entirely manageable. I was going to school at the local college and for the most part life was great. I was certainly dealing with stressors, but I was able to cope with them quite well for the first little while. About 3/4 of the way through my first year of college I started to struggle again. I recognize now that this is when I should have got help. However, clearly I didn't and I carried on pretending things were fine. I was no longer an optimist.

Returning to college for my second year I was extremely pessimistic. Eventually I found myself in the midst of a mental health crisis. Fast forward about a year a half, multiple suicide attempts later, and here I am....your average pessimist.

I definitely noticed when my optimism was slipping away. As I became more and more pessimistic my happiness level seemed to get capped; It was like I could only achieve a certain amount of happiness. This was not a coincidence. I feel that optimism and overall happiness are directly linked. Growing up my mother used to always call me her “happy go lucky girl.” I haven't heard that in awhile.

About a month ago a friend and I were texting back and forth and she said something that implied I was pessimist. I was deeply offended because that confirmed what I already knew. It upset me even more because of who said it; she is someone who has only known me for a few years. That conversation made me realize that she has probably never even considered me to be as optimist. BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST!...Oh right, I'm not.

You know what? Maybe I still am. Perhaps not at this particular moment, or these past few years, but in my heart I still identity as one. I can't wait until I view the world that way again. It's just going to take some time.

Now that? That is some optimistic thinking.  

Journal Entry 3.5 - CBT in a Nutshell

May 17th, 2016

CBT in a nutshell is about changing the way you think. Our thoughts, moods, physical reactions, and behaviours are all connected. If we make a change to one of them, they are all impacted. As I understand it, CBT works on the premise that our thoughts have the largest influence over them all. According to CBT we all have negative core beliefs (that are usually created in childhood), rules and assumptions we live by, and automatic thoughts.

The example the facilitator gave was a mother that neglected her child. This resulted in the child growing up to have the negative core belief that she was unlovable. Due to this belief, she lived by the rule of doing everything everyone wants so they will love her. If something happened in her life, like losing her job, she may find she would not be able to deal with it as well as others could. This is because she can no longer cope due to being unable to to live by her rules and assumptions. This woman may have an automatic thought like “my boyfriend doesn't love me.” You challenge these “hot thoughts” by using thought record charts to come up with factual evidence for and against them. There are multiple steps and by the end of therapy you are able to come up with more balanced thoughts and ideally alter your core beliefs.  

Journal Entry 3- Group Therapy Round Two

May 17, 2016

Ugh. Yes, ugh. Ok, ok, it was not that bad.

So this is the second time I have been part of a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group. The first time was after one of my minor suicide attempts. I had attended for I'm guessing around six sessions and that was about it. The reason I stopped going was because these groups have an attendance policy; if you miss two sessions without calling, you get discharged. It started with not being able to attend a session because of work. I let her know in advance and it was not a big deal at all. The following week I was unable to go, but did not call because I lost her phone number. Naturally, the week after that I was so anxious about not calling that I once again, did not go. At that point I just gave up and never went back.

...Until today.

Unlike the first time I took CBT, I had barely any anxiety leading up to the first session. I accredit this to knowing what to expect, having the same facilitator as last time, being more willing to go to therapy, and having an overall different head space. That being said, I really did not want to go this morning. I even contemplated calling her to say that I woke up sick.

When I eventually arrived, barely on time, I pulled up a chair to the over crowded table. There were certainly more participants in this CBT group than the previous one. Dang. I like people, but the more of them there are, the more difficult it is for me to share my emotions. I also noticed that, outside of the guy who was sitting beside me, everyone was older than me. This is a positive thing because I find people my age annoying. Well, not all of them, I have my favourites.

Overall the session was boring just as I had anticipated; it's therapy not a party. I also had thousands of deja vu moments because this is not my first time taking CBT. I hate re-learning things. It also didn't help that the speaker said the exact same things in the exact same way. Even her examples have not changed. On the plus side there is a new and improved textbook. I can already tell I prefer it over the old one. Unfortunately, that means I have to purchase another textbook.

Homework. Homework. Homework. I'm a nerd and even I hate therapy homework. Historically I have always avoided it, or at best, gave it minimal effort. This time around I intend to complete everything asked of me. I have come to realize that therapy will not work if I do not try. Plus, I'm really not interested in a third round of CBT.

Now that I have spoke about diligently doing my homework, I should mention that I am not off to a good start. I was supposed complete a hand-out titled “Anxiety and Depression Inventory” and bring it to the first session. I didn't. However, I did manage to do it during the break. It was just a few sheets that required me to circle my anxiety and depression symptoms. I did the same sheets last year before CBT. However, this year my answers were not the same. I appear to be struggling less now than I was then. Woo hoo!

I also had to come up with “what I want to get out of therapy.” I can't remember exactly what I babbled on about, but it was something along the lines of “controlling my thoughts and emotions and being able to function normally again.” We'll see how that works out for me.  

The People in my Life

Earlier tonight I was messaging with a friend who lives about three hours away from me. At one point during our conversation she said the following: You have some pretty awesome people in your life (just from what I see on fb sometimes), I'm envious lol.

She is so unbelievably correct. Except, pretty awesome does not even begin to describe them. The people in my life are amazing, wonderful, extraordinary, incredible, marvellous, and magnificent. They are super heroes, fighters, and warriors. They are wise and courageous, inspirational and warmhearted. There are not enough words in the English language for me to adequately portray the people in my life. I love them beyond words.

My family. Oh my goodness I love them. I was raised by an amazing mother who would give me her left arm if that meant I wouldn't have to do without. She's the person I long to be with when I'm sick or the person I call when I am lost in the middle of no where at 1am with only a 1/4 of a tank of gas. I am the second youngest of six so my siblings are also a major part of my life. The ones closest to my age are my partners in crime as well as my nephew who is only two months younger than me. My older two siblings are the wise trail blazers of the bunch. If I were to comment on them individually this post would go on forever. I also have connected with my aunts, uncles, and cousins in recent years and it has been a great experience getting to know them.

My friends. I am blessed with many friends who have varying roles within my life. Some of them I see on a regular basis and others fade in and out. Regardless, they all have a special spot in my heart. Again, if I were to touch on each person I would be writing for days and days. I will highlight on a few of my relationships though. My beautiful best friend. I am learning as I get older that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have a best friend. It is such a wonderful relationship and I trust some of my deepest secrets with her. You are beyond amazing, Kayla! (Yes, I know you are reading this) My long distance best friend(in good traffic she lives 7 hours away). How wonderful it is to have an objective person to rant to. She is such a caring person but she is not afraid to tell-it-how-it-is. My closest Christian friend (the one I spoke about at the beginning of this entry). I am so thankful to be able to discuss things with someone who sees life through the same lens as I do. I am able to share my sins with her without fear of judgement. My mentor. Aka the most intelligent person I have ever met. She has helped me through some of my toughest struggles and is one of my biggest supporters. My friend. She may not have a specific title, but I know she is someone who will always have my back. She is also the mother of my nephew, the cutest baby on the planet. Yes, I'm extremely biased.

The people I support. The people I support have taught me things about life that I could have never fully understood without their guidance. Despite the extra adversities they experience, they triumph through life with grace.

Children. The children I support, my friends' children, and my second cousins. Children in general, really. They all inspire me. They view world with such an innocent wonder and it makes me take a step back and appreciate the small things in life.

As I mentioned above, there are not enough words in the English language for me to adequately portray the people in my life. I love them beyond words.

Oh wait! One more person: 

My dog. Ok. You're right. She is not technically a person (although she certainly thinks she is...I may or may not agree with her).Regardless, I love her to pieces and she makes my life brighter. Therefore, I am including her in this post. 

Journal Entry 2 - My Love Hate Relationship with "It Gets Better"

May 16th, 2016

This post is centered around my favourite/least favourite mental health phrase: It gets better.

Why I love it.

• It's true. Sometimes.

• This saying is applicable to so many struggles, not just mental health ones.

• It fosters hope that the future can be bright.

Why I hate it.

• It gets better implies if you wait it out long enough, you will get to the light at the end of the tunnel. This is not the case at all. You have to struggle and work hard. Trust me, if there was a magic pill, I would have taken it by now.

• The process of getting from “everything is awful” to "better" is excruciating (I currently live in the land of “I struggle everyday but it could be worse”). This phrase neglects to mention that.

• When people go through the most difficult times of their lives better can seem out of reach.

• ...Sometimes better is out of reach. For example, it gets better is often said to children and youth who are experiencing bullying. Yet, there are countless heartbreaking stories of them committing suicide. Or what about people who remain depressed their entire lives? I am not just talking about people who do nothing about their illness. There are people that have went through every therapy and medication possible but still struggle everyday. All these people? They never made it to better.

It may surprise you, based on these lists, that I love the phrase more than I hate it. That's because I have made it to better before. I think everyone can relate to going through adversity and making it to the other side. It's amazing. I'm not there yet on my current journey, but I hold on to the hope that it is entirely possible.

Dear Nathan

A Facebook status I made on May 4, 2016 

My little brother has had to hear a lot about "what he needs support with" the last few days and he will continue to hear about it for quite sometime. I just wanted to let him know that everyone needs support in some way or another and that he is in no way defined by the help he needs. 

Nathan, you have so many strengths and talents and I am certainly not the only one that thinks so. For starters, you are the funniest person I have ever met. You always say things at just the right moment. You are a walking encyclopedia about not only birds, but so many other things. Your knowledge never seizes to amaze me. You are a math wiz. When we grocery shop together your lb to kg conversions are always so helpful....and of course, accurate.Thankfully for me you are also technologically inclined. You have saved me from technological mayhem many times. The fact that you can solve a rubix cube baffles me, never mind doing it in under 30 seconds or with only one hand! We definitely need to get you in some speed cube tournaments!

 I have also always envied your ability to focus and specialize in particular subject areas. You are truly a "master" of bird knowledge! Although you know the repetitive "how's life been treatin' ya?" conversation sometimes drives me nuts, my life would be empty without it. You are my favourite person to have kicking soccer balls at my face to warm me up for the start of a soccer season. Quite frankly you are favourite person in general. You never judge me. You always push me forward in life reminding me that if "I don't challenge myself I will never learn." Only from you would I tolerate someone jumping out of no where to scare the crap out of me (although if you stopped doing that, I wouldn't object!) I could go on and on about your kind heart and all the joy you have brought to my life.

I wouldn't be me, without you! 

Journal Entry 1 - Lessons Learned

May 15, 2016

The journal entry that inspired the blog...

It has been suggested to me many times by friends and professionals alike to write down my feelings. I have tried to do this throughout my life, but it usually results in maybe a week of commitment. I definitely benefit from expressing my thoughts and emotions, but overall I find it an uncomfortable experience. Add that in with a forgetful brain and a hatred for handwriting and that pretty much sums up why I am not inclined to keep a diary. Even now I am writing this as though speaking to an audience; this method allows me to remain detached from my emotions as if I were telling a story or writing a factual assignment. I am also able to give a broad overview of my feelings opposed to going in depth. Perhaps that defeats the entire purpose, but at least it is a start, right? Depending on what I write I may let a few people in my life read this(or most likely a version of this with things edited out) so they can understand where I'm at right now. Also note that I am typing instead of handwriting, I'm such a millennial. Now on to all that emotional mumbo jumbo....

It has been just over two months since I survived my most significant suicide attempt. As someone who spends a lot of time “over-thinking,” I find myself self reflecting on my experiences a lot. This usually can be detrimental for me, spending most of my time analyzing every detail of a situation or simply picking apart my flaws. Although this trait can be debilitating, I have recently found it to not always be a negative thing. Over the past couple months, reliving my thoughts and choices has enabled me to grow as a person. Super cheesy but true. Maybe that's what I will make this weird journal/diary/letter/random document about: what I have learned from this experience.

Lesson 1: A lot of people care about me. Seriously.

As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts since age 16, I have spent a fair amount of time thinking I am a waste of space and that no one cares about me. This is simply not true. When I was in the hospital (after I became coherent, I might add) I was expecting a lot of judgement, blame, and anger. Again, not the case. I was greeted with so much love and empathy it was unreal. Of course people were upset, but not in the way I had anticipated.

I have actually received a lot of support and offers of support (I'm stubborn and don't like accepting help) over the last couple of years. At the time it felt like I was a burden and I viewed the support as people feeling morally obligated to help a pitiful girl. In hindsight, I see it for what it truly was. Concern, and most importantly, love.

Lesson 2: My death would affect other people.

This lesson ties in a lot with the first one. If people care about you, they do not want you to die. This actually reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend last year. It was shortly after one of my 'less significant' (I don't know what to call it) suicide attempts. We were driving back from Toronto which provided ample time for a heart-to-heart. At the end of the drive, I was getting out of her car and said “You don't want me to do die, do you?” She replied “The only one who wants you to die is you.” How right she was.

I had no idea the amount of people my death would impact. It would have went so far beyond my family and closest friends. The people I would have least expected stepped up to help me the most. Even the people I support missed me in my absence.

One of my fondest memories of returning to work started off as a terrible day. I was about to start my second shift back and I was feeling incompetent and insecure in my abilities to perform my job. I was waiting for one of the girls I supported that evening to get off her school bus. I could see her frantically waving to me out the window; she was beyond excited to see me. As soon as she stepped off the bus her face lit up as she screamed out my name, followed by a loud “I missed you.” Best. Feeling. Ever. If I was that horrible at my job, I wouldn't have received that reaction.

Lesson 3: Returning to life is hard

Step 1 – The hospital

During my stay in the hospital I struggled a lot. I was going through so many emotions and there were a million thoughts racing through my brain. To say it was overwhelming is an understatement. I absolutely despised being there, but that being said, it still sheltered me from the real world. I had very little responsibilities or stressors to deal with.

Step 2 – Returning home

When I first got home from the hospital I had two weeks before I had to return to work. This is when I really started to process what had just happened. At this point my main focus was scheduling appointments(terrible, I hate phone calls), attempting to manage my anxiety, and overall just trying to stay alive. Literally. My responsibilities were returning but I was able to avoid most of them.

I also had so many well-wishers(many who had no idea I tried to kill myself) that wanted to see me. Understandably, my mom also wanted to spend a few nights at my apartment. Unfortunately neither the visitors or the house guest appealed to me. I was too emotionally drained to deal with too many people or to be over coddled and closely watched. My solution to this was coming up with excuses and/or avoiding people all together. That's not to say I didn't speak to anyone during this period, I was just selective. I definitely needed support.

Step 3 – Back to work and now (This. Step. Sucked.)

First was the anxiety about returning to work and what that process entailed. I was supposed to return to work after two weeks but it ended up being three and half. Not so fun when you are beyond broke. I am including that extra week and half in this 'step'. I also had a very bad period of not being able to get out of bed. Then I actually had to start going to the stupid appointments I scheduled. Therapy appointments induce lots of annoying emotions that I now have to balance with functioning at work. Oh, and those responsibilities I avoided in step 2? They get worse when you don't deal with them. Naturally I have dealt with some of them and avoided the rest.

The hardest part about this step has been having to return to work, social obligations, responsibilities, etc., as if nothing had ever happened. Now people are starting to fade away a bit and I have had to stand on my own two feet. To them I survived and it's over. To me the journey of recovery has barely begun. It's not that people completely stopped helping me, just not as much and in a different way. Starting to deal with life independently again has been tremendously scarey, but it needed to happen. It has taken me awhile, but I am starting to function some-what normally now.

I continue to deal with what I call “phases” of emotion that I go through. They include things like feeling numb, depressed, too happy, normal, anxious, etc. My suicidal thoughts are persistent if nothing else. They have continued, but generally they have been passing thoughts that I would not act on. Although in all honesty, the last week they have been a little tougher to deal with again. However, I think I have been managing quite well considering. Thankfully I have not went through a “suicidal phase” since I tried to kill myself. I would say that's progress!

Lesson 4: It's ok not to be ok

So cliche but so true. If you don't admit you're not ok, you can't (and won't) get the help you need. I have learned that so many people are not ok, and that, well, that's ok!

Lesson 5: You have to want to recover

This is a lesson I have had to learn over and over again in the past few years. Thankfully, I think it has finally clicked. I now make the choice to live everyday. I actually put effort into my therapy and listen to what they are saying. I seek help opposed to being dragged to it. I practice coping techniques at home and I research ways to deal with what I struggle with. I have even joined online support groups! Some days wanting to recover is easier that others, but it is a must!

Lesson 5: Recovering is going to be long and terrible but thankfully...

Lesson 6: I am stronger than I ever could have imagined

Lesson 7: Don't tell people my diagnosis

This lesson did not take me very long to learn. Initially I was so happy to have a diagnosis; it enabled me to have better understanding of what is going on with me. However, people assume the decisions I make and thoughts I have all revolve around the diagnosis. For example, yes being impulsive is part of my diagnosis, but no I did not go out to dinner because of it. Last time I checked, I am not the only person in the world to decide to go out for dinner last minute. What actually motivated me was not wanting to cook, not my diagnosis. So as helpful as a diagnosis is, for the most part I'll keep it to myself.

Lesson 8: Fake it until you make it still works

This a coping mechanism that has always worked for me when I'm feeling down. For example, if I don't want to go out with my friend, I should do it anyway. Faking it gets me out of the house and sometimes I even end up enjoying myself! Other times I go home overwhelmed and recluse to my bed. It's certainly worth try.

Lesson 9: God didn't forget about me, he's the reason I'm still alive.

For a long time I was angry at God. Why was he letting these things happen to me? Where was he? As I look back I realize he was always there. There are so many times I could not have made it without him. Lately I have been spending time thinking about the people he has put in my life. There are certain people in particular that appeared at just the right moment. I have also been reflecting on specific events or thoughts that have literally redirected the course of my life. I am so blessed and thankful.