May 17, 2016
Ugh. Yes, ugh. Ok, ok, it was not that
bad.
So this is the second time I have been
part of a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group. The first time
was after one of my minor suicide attempts. I had attended for I'm
guessing around six sessions and that was about it. The reason I
stopped going was because these groups have an attendance policy; if
you miss two sessions without calling, you get discharged. It started
with not being able to attend a session because of work. I let her
know in advance and it was not a big deal at all. The following week
I was unable to go, but did not call because I lost her phone number.
Naturally, the week after that I was so anxious about not calling
that I once again, did not go. At that point I just gave up and never
went back.
...Until today.
Unlike the first time I took CBT, I had
barely any anxiety leading up to the first session. I accredit this
to knowing what to expect, having the same facilitator as last time,
being more willing to go to therapy, and having an overall different
head space. That being said, I really did not want to go this
morning. I even contemplated calling her to say that I woke up sick.
When I eventually arrived, barely on
time, I pulled up a chair to the over crowded table. There were
certainly more participants in this CBT group than the previous one.
Dang. I like people, but the more of them there are, the more
difficult it is for me to share my emotions. I also noticed that,
outside of the guy who was sitting beside me, everyone was older
than me. This is a positive thing because I find people my age
annoying. Well, not all of them, I have my favourites.
Overall the session was boring just as
I had anticipated; it's therapy not a party. I also had thousands of
deja vu moments because this is not my first time taking CBT. I hate
re-learning things. It also didn't help that the speaker said the
exact same things in the exact same way. Even her examples have not
changed. On the plus side there is a new and improved textbook. I can
already tell I prefer it over the old one. Unfortunately, that means
I have to purchase another textbook.
Homework. Homework. Homework. I'm a
nerd and even I hate therapy homework. Historically I have always
avoided it, or at best, gave it minimal effort. This time around I
intend to complete everything asked of me. I have come to realize
that therapy will not work if I do not try. Plus, I'm really not
interested in a third round of CBT.
Now that I have spoke about diligently
doing my homework, I should mention that I am not off to a good
start. I was supposed complete a hand-out titled “Anxiety and
Depression Inventory” and bring it to the first session. I didn't.
However, I did manage to do it during the break. It was just a few
sheets that required me to circle my anxiety and depression symptoms.
I did the same sheets last year before CBT. However, this year my
answers were not the same. I appear to be struggling less now than I
was then. Woo hoo!
I also had to come up with “what I
want to get out of therapy.” I can't remember exactly what I
babbled on about, but it was something along the lines of
“controlling my thoughts and emotions and being able to function
normally again.” We'll see how that works out for me.
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