May 24th, 2016
I am going to start off by saying this
is a pretty pointless blog post. It does not have a purpose or theme
like all of the other posts I have made. I suppose it does to an
extent...but it is certainly not going to be a well organized layout
of my thoughts. The grammar will most likely be terrible, but I hope
that it will at least be comprehensible. It's pretty much going to be
a rant and I have no idea what the “point” of said rant will be.
I'm upset. If you haven't noticed by
now all of my other posts are fairly positive and anything negative
is about past experiences. It doesn't have to be far in the past, but
it is just not how I am currently feeling. There are few reasons for
this. One, I haven't had this blog very long. For the amount of time
I have had this blog, life has been not too bad. I am not saying I
haven't struggled, but overall I have been fairly good at coping with
difficulties (or avoiding them, of course). Another reason is that I
like to pretend I am okay. Particularly in front of other people. The
last and most prominent reason is that I do no like talking about my
feelings as feel them. I am usually pretty okay with reflecting on
past feelings, but current ones, no thanks. I just don't like feeling
strong negative emotions...I guess no one does. But for me I just try
to avoid feeling them. Obviously that doesn't always work, but I
certainly try. Talking/writing about them just makes me feel them
more and most of the time I don't like that(I feel better AFTER...but who wants to wait for after?) That's where this blog
post comes in. I think.
I am not actually going to type a word
about why I'm upset or what emotion I mean by “upset.” I'm not
ready to do that. (Quite frankly I am feeling a few!) The reason I am
writing this is to write while I'm upset and try to get out at least
some of my feelings ish. I recognize this is something I need to work
on. So this, this is my pathetic attempt at trying. Mind you, I have
already vented about something that was upsetting me to my friend,
Sam. Which has calmed me down a bit. I needed to know if the
particular thing I was thinking was all “in my head.” She decided
it was, as usual. Thank goodness because if it wasn't I would be
crying not writing a blog post. As much as I just spoke about not
dealing with my feelings as a feel them, there are two people in my
life who I am willing to speak to about them. Sam being one of them.... and it's pretty easy to guess who the second person is.
I also think it is important for me to
write about the fact that I am upset, because it is a reality of my
situation. Not everyday is filled with a hope for the future and
growth as a person. Many days I take ten steps back. I am slowly and
truly getting better, but not everyday. Today I feel like I did a
month ago. That is taking a few steps back for sure. But tomorrow I
could feel like I did yesterday, or even better. Hence where the
growth comes in. I could even grow from today and however long I
continue to feel crummy....But unfortunately, like many things in
life, that growth comes from looking back in hindsight. Here's hoping
I don't feel like I did two months ago any time soon. Although to be
honest with you, at this point I don't even frigging care. I'm going
to bed.
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