May 30th, 2016
It has been about a week since my last
post. I suppose that means it is time for me to write again. How are
things going for me? Well to be entirely honest, I am continuing to
struggle. It's quite disheartening really. I have made so much
progress since leaving the hospital and now it feels like it is all
slipping away. However, I am trying not to put too much thought into
that; if I don't believe I am moving forward, it will be impossible
for me to do so.
When I am struggling I usually do one
of two things: lay in bed and avoid the world or keep quite busy. I
have currently been doing the latter. Mostly to try to convince
myself and others that I am doing just fine. I figure that, if I post
a bunch of photos of me hanging out with people and doing fun things,
everyone will think my life is going great. It's also a distraction
for me, and quite often, an avoidance technique. For example, tonight
when I was leaving soccer, my friend's team arrived to play their
game. I decided to watch her game. Of course watching her game
interests me, but my real motivation was avoiding doing my therapy
homework (funny how that's still not done...) and not wanting to go
home to my responsibilities. Surprisingly, I watched her for about
ten minutes and then made the conscious choice to leave.
For the past two years there has been
one main person I would go to to talk about these struggles. Lately I
have been purposely not going to her when my mental health is not
great. On occasions we do talk about it, I try not to go in any
depth. There are various reasons for this, but overall I think it is
a good thing...hence why I am doing it. Except for when I'm suicidal.
Then it might not be a good thing. I know I wouldn't go to her....
which is kind of scary, really. She has literally saved my life
countless times. As someone who is striving to get better, knowing I
don't have a “safe guard” if things get extremely bad again is
terrifying. Who knows what could happen. Well I guess I do know what
could happen, I could be dead. Rational, goal oriented Amanda doesn't
want to be dead, but I know anxious, confused Amanda would have no
problem with it. Ideally I will
never be in that dark of a place again. Unfortunately these past
couple week have taught me that that is still entirely possible.
ANYWAY...enough of that.
ANYWAY...enough of that.
I would like to say that at this very
moment I am doing okay. I ended the night on a fairly positive note
which is always good. I'm stressing a bit about group therapy
tomorrow and a counselling appointment I have the day after tomorrow.
Among many other things, of course. I also have lots to do and little
time to do it before I leave to go to Ottawa. Thankfully though, I am
coping okay at the moment. Not amazingly, but okay.
I'm good with okay.
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