Journal Entry 4 - Am I Still an Optimist?

For most of my life I have been known as an optimist. Not only did others view me this way, but it is how I viewed myself. I have always considered optimism as part of my personality. Despite the pessimism that now plagues my life, I still believe that it is part of who I am. I think highly of this character trait and would love to see it fully return into my life.

I struggled with suicidal thoughts in high school but I continued to be an optimist. I viewed myself negatively but my perception of the world was still positive. I was always able to find the good in every bad and I held onto to hope that the future would be bright. I seemed to think that life would magically get better after high school. There was some rational behind that assumption. After high school I would be able to escape some of the tough situations I have had to endure.

So off I went to a school that was 7-8 hours away. The year had it's ups and downs but there were no major mental health concerns. Even my anxiety was practically non-existent. Throughout that time, I continued to maintain a reasonably optimistic view on life. I did decide to move back after my first year, but my reasons for doing so are completely irrelevant to this topic.

Multiple things happened when I returned home. Firstly, I grew up. I don't know why or how, but I did. I used to be very immature and spent most of my time with people who were younger than me. That being said, I do recognize that I was very mature in certain aspects of my life. Overall though I was a silly girl with a carefree attitude. Secondly, moving back meant I had re-enter difficult situations. For most of my first year back I handled them fairly well.

At this point I was not as optimistic but I still thought positively. Anxiety had resurfaced but it was entirely manageable. I was going to school at the local college and for the most part life was great. I was certainly dealing with stressors, but I was able to cope with them quite well for the first little while. About 3/4 of the way through my first year of college I started to struggle again. I recognize now that this is when I should have got help. However, clearly I didn't and I carried on pretending things were fine. I was no longer an optimist.

Returning to college for my second year I was extremely pessimistic. Eventually I found myself in the midst of a mental health crisis. Fast forward about a year a half, multiple suicide attempts later, and here I am....your average pessimist.

I definitely noticed when my optimism was slipping away. As I became more and more pessimistic my happiness level seemed to get capped; It was like I could only achieve a certain amount of happiness. This was not a coincidence. I feel that optimism and overall happiness are directly linked. Growing up my mother used to always call me her “happy go lucky girl.” I haven't heard that in awhile.

About a month ago a friend and I were texting back and forth and she said something that implied I was pessimist. I was deeply offended because that confirmed what I already knew. It upset me even more because of who said it; she is someone who has only known me for a few years. That conversation made me realize that she has probably never even considered me to be as optimist. BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST!...Oh right, I'm not.

You know what? Maybe I still am. Perhaps not at this particular moment, or these past few years, but in my heart I still identity as one. I can't wait until I view the world that way again. It's just going to take some time.

Now that? That is some optimistic thinking.