Journal Entry 13 - Random Anxiety

August 1st, 2016

Two nights ago I went to bed at a decent time. I had worked an 11am-7pm shift beforehand and that went quite well. I had even eaten all my meals and I did not eat anything outrageously unhealthy. I said no to a friend for going out late to an event, but she understood and I did not feel overwhelmingly guilty about not going. I knew I worked 11am-10pm the following day (turned out to be 10:30), so I felt that I was doing what was best for myself by not going. I made my brother and I dinner, relaxed for a bit and then went to bed. Everything was fine.

Fast forward to around 2 am and I woke up to having quite a bad panic attack. It was out of no where. I started to talk to myself and try to calm down. "You're ok, you're just having a panic attack. You're in you're bed. You're fine. You're safe" Then I started trying to do a thought record in my head because there was no way I could have wrote anything down. I was also half asleep and shocked that this was going on. I started to try and assess my thoughts. Why was I anxious? What was upsetting me? My anxiety was upsetting me but I could not find any underlying reason for the anxiety. I started flailing around and freaking out because my bed was too small. I started throwing all of my pillows and blankets off my bed. I kept trying to go back to sleep which got me more upset as I continued to flail around on my bed. I wanted it to stop. Then I told myself to "get up. If I can't sleep, I should just get up." I got up, went to the bathroom, and got a drink. I spent a little time with my dog and after not too too long, I went back to bed.

This particular panic attack felt like a much milder version of the one I had when I first woke up in the hospital in March. It was very similar. Except in March I was begging to get up but the nurse would not allow me to because of all of the drugs in my system. (Don't blame the nurse, she was right. The next day I forced them to let me get up. Guess what? I couldn't and if wasn't for them, I would have fell. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes.) Anyway, in hindsight, I think this particular panic attack may have been cause by a bad dream I do not remember. I have also had a stressful month, so perhaps that could have unconsciously impacted me. Who knows? The mind is a mysterious thing.