Journal 14 -At a Crossroads and Fresh out of Hope

August 21st, 2016

I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.

I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.

Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.

I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.

I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.

You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?

I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.