September 9th, 2016
I had a couple of anxiety free days and they were wonderful. My anxiety resurfaced a little bit yesterday, but made its grand re-entrance this morning. I didn't panic when I woke up or anything, it just felt awful. Today I seem to have that turning in your stomach anxiety that makes you want to throw up. I think there may have been some particular triggers for this anxiety, but currently my thoughts are not racing,
I was annoyed when I woke up this morning and had thoughts like "I can't do this" and "how I am going to face the day?" After about an hour of self-pity, I got out of bed. I know my limits and I am certainly not past them. It's not bad enough to call into work over, I just need a little extra willpower today.
I am not devastated that I am anxious again. Anxiety is part of my life and I am learning to accept it as such. I would have enjoyed a few more anxiety-free days, but I will persevere and make the best of my situation.
So welcome back, anxiety. Please be prepared to take a back seat in my brain. Today I will be in control, not you.
Friday, 9 September 2016
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Journal 21 - Completed CBT and met a new counselor
September 7th, 2016
Yesterday I went to my last CBT group session. I am finished! Yes, that's right, me. Miss I-hate-getting-help actually finished 3.5 months of weekly therapy. I have another type of therapy starting next month and surprisingly I am actually looking forward to it. It's a different facilitator, but I was introduced to her and she seems nice.
This morning I had an appointment with a new 'lady' (counselor) that will be entering my life. Sadly, the individual sessions I have at the hospital are short-term and will soon be coming to an end soon. It will be helpful for me to have ongoing support.
My new counselor is quite young and that initially surprised me. She looks to be about my age, or, at most, a couple years older. It is entirely possible that this is her professional job. Obviously she will not have a lot of experience, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she is competent and kind I could care less.
Unlike I had hoped, she had not read my file yet. I wanted to skip the awkward "why I came here" portion of intake. In therapy speak, that basically means "tell me all of the terrible things that have happened in your life and what you currently want to 'fix'." It's not really a portion of intake, that is the purpose of intake. That and signing a bunch of forms.
Re-telling my story was not as horrible as historically it has been.She even wanted details about my suicide attempts and I wasn't even phased. It was actually quite easy. It felt like I was just re sighting a bunch of facts.
I was not even anxious about going to the session beforehand. It may have helped that I forgot about the appointment until I got a reminder text last night. Regardless, I knew it was coming up eventually and knowing that did not bother me. Even during the appointment I had no anxiety. None. Not even a little bit.
I haven't had anxiety all day today or yesterday either. I have varying degrees of anxiety 95% of time so two days off is nice. There is likely a correlation between working out yesterday and today and having no anxiety. I really should start exercising regularly.
Yesterday I went to my last CBT group session. I am finished! Yes, that's right, me. Miss I-hate-getting-help actually finished 3.5 months of weekly therapy. I have another type of therapy starting next month and surprisingly I am actually looking forward to it. It's a different facilitator, but I was introduced to her and she seems nice.
This morning I had an appointment with a new 'lady' (counselor) that will be entering my life. Sadly, the individual sessions I have at the hospital are short-term and will soon be coming to an end soon. It will be helpful for me to have ongoing support.
My new counselor is quite young and that initially surprised me. She looks to be about my age, or, at most, a couple years older. It is entirely possible that this is her professional job. Obviously she will not have a lot of experience, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she is competent and kind I could care less.
Unlike I had hoped, she had not read my file yet. I wanted to skip the awkward "why I came here" portion of intake. In therapy speak, that basically means "tell me all of the terrible things that have happened in your life and what you currently want to 'fix'." It's not really a portion of intake, that is the purpose of intake. That and signing a bunch of forms.
Re-telling my story was not as horrible as historically it has been.She even wanted details about my suicide attempts and I wasn't even phased. It was actually quite easy. It felt like I was just re sighting a bunch of facts.
I was not even anxious about going to the session beforehand. It may have helped that I forgot about the appointment until I got a reminder text last night. Regardless, I knew it was coming up eventually and knowing that did not bother me. Even during the appointment I had no anxiety. None. Not even a little bit.
I haven't had anxiety all day today or yesterday either. I have varying degrees of anxiety 95% of time so two days off is nice. There is likely a correlation between working out yesterday and today and having no anxiety. I really should start exercising regularly.
Monday, 5 September 2016
"My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it."
September 5th, 2016
....Just kidding, I see that is now September 6th.
I went to Lang Pioneer Village with a bunch of my family yesterday (September 4th) and it was a lot of fun. At one point, my second cousins and I went off on our own to listen to people playing music. This is the conversation that transpired between the four year old and I as we sat on the hay bales.
Cousin(while wiggling around) : My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it.
Me: You can get up and dance if you want.
Cousin: No I can't do it.
Me: You said your body was dancing and you couldn't stop it.
C: No it's not.
M: You should get up and dance, I haven't seen you dance before.
C: Yes you have, at the wedding (his mom and dad's wedding).
M: No, I didn't see it because you didn't dance with me.
C: No the other wedding! (my sister's wedding)
M: You're older now, I bet you are an even better dancer.
C: Ya I am.
M: Are you going to dance?
C (in a hushed voice): I can only danced inside. (He continued on dancing in his seat)
Children are hilarious.
....Just kidding, I see that is now September 6th.
I went to Lang Pioneer Village with a bunch of my family yesterday (September 4th) and it was a lot of fun. At one point, my second cousins and I went off on our own to listen to people playing music. This is the conversation that transpired between the four year old and I as we sat on the hay bales.
Cousin(while wiggling around) : My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it.
Me: You can get up and dance if you want.
Cousin: No I can't do it.
Me: You said your body was dancing and you couldn't stop it.
C: No it's not.
M: You should get up and dance, I haven't seen you dance before.
C: Yes you have, at the wedding (his mom and dad's wedding).
M: No, I didn't see it because you didn't dance with me.
C: No the other wedding! (my sister's wedding)
M: You're older now, I bet you are an even better dancer.
C: Ya I am.
M: Are you going to dance?
C (in a hushed voice): I can only danced inside. (He continued on dancing in his seat)
Children are hilarious.
Journal 20 - Embracing Joy
September 5th, 2016
My week has been wonderful. I went into last Tuesday with a bleak outlook on life and this Tuesday (tomorrow) I feel ready to take on the world. Well at least some of it. Washing the dishes seems like more of an Amanda-of-the-future task.
I'll be honest, I was scared. It felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everything I have been working so hard to achieve was fading away. When it first started I was afraid to admit this reality to myself....No, I can't be struggling this much again. I have to try harder. It's fine. I'm fine. I eventually realized I could either do something about it or ignore it. Ignoring problems never helps so I reached out to my counselor.
"I'm in place where I need to do something or it will be a problem. I need to intervene. I have felt this way before and historically, it does not go well." I saw her on a weekly basis for a few weeks, but things continued to get worse.
'Hilda', my super-suicidal alter-ego had not returned, but her presence was looming. I was petrified. "Life cannot get that bad again. Please. No."
Fortunately, everything quickly changed for me this week. Unfortunately, it will change again. Regulating my moods is certainly not one of my strengths. However, I am trying my best not to dwell on it. I will always fear relapse, but I cannot allow it to consume me. It cannot be my focus.
I'm not entirely sure how or why, but life is good this week.
When joy presents itself, I may as well embrace it.
My week has been wonderful. I went into last Tuesday with a bleak outlook on life and this Tuesday (tomorrow) I feel ready to take on the world. Well at least some of it. Washing the dishes seems like more of an Amanda-of-the-future task.
I'll be honest, I was scared. It felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everything I have been working so hard to achieve was fading away. When it first started I was afraid to admit this reality to myself....No, I can't be struggling this much again. I have to try harder. It's fine. I'm fine. I eventually realized I could either do something about it or ignore it. Ignoring problems never helps so I reached out to my counselor.
"I'm in place where I need to do something or it will be a problem. I need to intervene. I have felt this way before and historically, it does not go well." I saw her on a weekly basis for a few weeks, but things continued to get worse.
'Hilda', my super-suicidal alter-ego had not returned, but her presence was looming. I was petrified. "Life cannot get that bad again. Please. No."
Fortunately, everything quickly changed for me this week. Unfortunately, it will change again. Regulating my moods is certainly not one of my strengths. However, I am trying my best not to dwell on it. I will always fear relapse, but I cannot allow it to consume me. It cannot be my focus.
I'm not entirely sure how or why, but life is good this week.
When joy presents itself, I may as well embrace it.
Saturday, 3 September 2016
Journal 19 - Wow
September 3rd, 2016
I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.
Wow.
It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.
Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.
The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.
Again, wow. There are no words.
What does one even do this with information?
I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.
Wow.
It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.
Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.
The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.
Again, wow. There are no words.
What does one even do this with information?
Journal 18 - Accepting Limits
September 3rd, 2016
I think that having high expectations of myself is a good thing, but I am learning there needs to be some sort of balance. I seem to bounce back and forth between being the most goal oriented person you have ever met and having no goals at all. I assume that I am a goal oriented person by nature but then my mental health issues set me back. I will not always be able to achieve what I expect from myself, but that does not mean I should give up and expect nothing. However, I think adjusting my goals daily is permissible. On a really bad day, simply getting out of bed could be the goal. I think there needs to be something to strive for, but it should be realistic and I should not be setting myself up for failure. I'm noticing that if I fail, I give up entirely.
I often get frustrated with myself because there are many things I used to be able to do and now I struggle with them. At times even mundane tasks are impossible and I get upset because I 'should' be able to do them. Again, I think I need be realistic. If there are tasks that absolutely need to get done, I should pick one and make that my only focus of the day. If I don't complete it, insulting myself profusely is probably not the way to go. I should accept my limitations.
Accepting my limitations includes my mental illness. It exists. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I should learn to embrace it. Do I wish it would go away? Obviously, but it's not going to happen. For the rest of my life I will to some degree struggle with mental health problems. It is okay that that is part my identify. Mental illness does not make me flawed or any less of a human being. We all have our own battles to face and this one happens to be mine. You can't fight a battle if you pretend it isn't happening.
I think that having high expectations of myself is a good thing, but I am learning there needs to be some sort of balance. I seem to bounce back and forth between being the most goal oriented person you have ever met and having no goals at all. I assume that I am a goal oriented person by nature but then my mental health issues set me back. I will not always be able to achieve what I expect from myself, but that does not mean I should give up and expect nothing. However, I think adjusting my goals daily is permissible. On a really bad day, simply getting out of bed could be the goal. I think there needs to be something to strive for, but it should be realistic and I should not be setting myself up for failure. I'm noticing that if I fail, I give up entirely.
Accepting my limitations includes my mental illness. It exists. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I should learn to embrace it. Do I wish it would go away? Obviously, but it's not going to happen. For the rest of my life I will to some degree struggle with mental health problems. It is okay that that is part my identify. Mental illness does not make me flawed or any less of a human being. We all have our own battles to face and this one happens to be mine. You can't fight a battle if you pretend it isn't happening.
Friday, 2 September 2016
Journal 17 - Game Plan
September 2nd, 2016
Seeing "Sarah" on Tuesday seemed to help me re-group and I have been feeling slightly better since. After seeing her, I went home and wrote down a few things. I then went to my individual therapy yesterday armed with what I wrote down. I came to that session on a mission! I had specific topics, questions, and I even asked for some goal setting homework. She also had homework prepared for me and I have already completed it. It was very basic and seemed almost silly, but it turned out to be extremely eye opening. Hmm, perhaps I should do homework more often....
Since Tuesday I have wrote down major concerns, scheduled an appointment, wrote down what I need to say at my upcoming appointment, completed therapy homework (not CBT homework I'm way behind on that), brainstormed ideas for the future, wrote three blog posts, and did some non-therapy related things.
Overall I'm still not feeling amazing. However, figuring out how I can address my issues has been helpful. Developing a plan lessens the feeling of having no control. I like control. The problem is I am struggling to come up with some solutions to put in my plan. Ideally I'd like to solve everything myself, but I find it overwhelming. Instead of putting it off, it may be wise for me to seek input from my friends. I'm undecided....so I will put off deciding about whether I should put off deciding about getting help with decisions. Yep, that made sense.
Seeing "Sarah" on Tuesday seemed to help me re-group and I have been feeling slightly better since. After seeing her, I went home and wrote down a few things. I then went to my individual therapy yesterday armed with what I wrote down. I came to that session on a mission! I had specific topics, questions, and I even asked for some goal setting homework. She also had homework prepared for me and I have already completed it. It was very basic and seemed almost silly, but it turned out to be extremely eye opening. Hmm, perhaps I should do homework more often....
Since Tuesday I have wrote down major concerns, scheduled an appointment, wrote down what I need to say at my upcoming appointment, completed therapy homework (not CBT homework I'm way behind on that), brainstormed ideas for the future, wrote three blog posts, and did some non-therapy related things.
Overall I'm still not feeling amazing. However, figuring out how I can address my issues has been helpful. Developing a plan lessens the feeling of having no control. I like control. The problem is I am struggling to come up with some solutions to put in my plan. Ideally I'd like to solve everything myself, but I find it overwhelming. Instead of putting it off, it may be wise for me to seek input from my friends. I'm undecided....so I will put off deciding about whether I should put off deciding about getting help with decisions. Yep, that made sense.
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