September 5th, 2016
My week has been wonderful. I went into last Tuesday with a bleak outlook on life and this Tuesday (tomorrow) I feel ready to take on the world. Well at least some of it. Washing the dishes seems like more of an Amanda-of-the-future task.
I'll be honest, I was scared. It felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everything I have been working so hard to achieve was fading away. When it first started I was afraid to admit this reality to myself....No, I can't be struggling this much again. I have to try harder. It's fine. I'm fine. I eventually realized I could either do something about it or ignore it. Ignoring problems never helps so I reached out to my counselor.
"I'm in place where I need to do something or it will be a problem. I need to intervene. I have felt this way before and historically, it does not go well." I saw her on a weekly basis for a few weeks, but things continued to get worse.
'Hilda', my super-suicidal alter-ego had not returned, but her presence was looming. I was petrified. "Life cannot get that bad again. Please. No."
Fortunately, everything quickly changed for me this week. Unfortunately, it will change again. Regulating my moods is certainly not one of my strengths. However, I am trying my best not to dwell on it. I will always fear relapse, but I cannot allow it to consume me. It cannot be my focus.
I'm not entirely sure how or why, but life is good this week.
When joy presents itself, I may as well embrace it.
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