Journal 16 - "Sarah"

August 31/2016

Yesterday was a highly anticipated day off work, but that did not stop me from being grumpy and discouraged. I managed to drag my butt to group therapy and then spent a little time at home. I had not seen my friend "Sarah" for awhile and we had arranged to meet yesterday evening. I was so miserable and did not want to go, but I knew I would regret canceling and it would likely be a long time before I saw her again.

So I went. I even arrived a little early so I would have time to mentally prepare myself. I wanted to put my happy face on, but faking it seemed to be more challenging than I had anticipated. Naturally, my inner voice was upset that I had not cancelled. I was not anxious about the situation, I was just concerned that I was going to be a jerk for no apparent reason. Which, of course, resulted in anxiety!

But guess what? It was totally fine. That's the thing, everything is always fine with Sarah. I have no idea why, but she is just one of those people in my life that makes me feel better. It is interesting because she is not exactly a super-approachable, over-coddling type of person. She can actually be quite intimidating. She is most certainly kind, but she is one of those tough-on-the-outside people. Perhaps random people on the street are not compelled to approach her, but people who know her seem to be drawn to her. I think it's a strong possibility that it could be because she has a concealed super power or access to government secrets. Or both. Honestly though, she's a great person and I aspire to be like her any many ways.

So how/why is she a 'purpose person' for me? Here are some of the many reasons:

1. She became part of my life at right time.
I met Sarah at a point in my life when I was thriving. She was able to see what a "healthy" Amanda looks like and I got to know her without my mental health issues interfering. Then, after I got to know and trust her, I found myself in mental health crisis. Although she did not save me from a burning building, she has literally saved my life. I could elaborate on that, but those are tough memories for me combined with a lot of guilt.

2. She has helped to increase my self-esteem 
I will never forget the first time I genuinely believed I was smart. Do I still struggle to believe this? Yes. But there was one specific day where I just wholeheartedly thought I was intelligent. I just felt like such a capable person, it was amazing. It was mainly because of a conversation I had with Sarah and an e-mail she sent afterwards. I don't know that she would even remember that day; it probably seemed like an insignificant ordinary day to her. This is just one of many, many examples. Although, the rest are not "ah ha" moments like this, they happened gradually over time.

3. She is a positive role model/mentor
Perhaps role model is a bit of an elementary term, but I do not feel mentor fully describes what I want to convey. I think everyone in my inner circle (and beyond) knows how much I look up to this woman. Sarah has been great a point of reference for many of the traits I want acquire and goals I want to achieve. A.k.a. I like to copy her. Well sometimes I like to copy her. .I would like to point out that I genuinely did not cut my hair off because she has short hair. Someone asked me that and honestly that was not my reasoning. Maybe on some subconscious level seeing her rock her short hair made me more likely to try it? Who knows.

4. She makes me feel better 
I am someone who struggles to regulate my moods. So as you can imagine, having someone in my life who can balance them out by merely being present is a God send. Now if that could be put in pill form, all my issues would be resolved. Obviously she doesn't actually cure my problems. I've had some of my worst panic attacks her presence. However, knowing she was there made a world of difference. Also, as a side note, she has an extremely calming voice.

5. She tells it how it is and genuinely cares about what is in my best interest
Sarah is usually fairly blunt and honest with me. In the moment I don't always love it, but it's often (okay always) what I need to hear. I have made the decision to no longer rely on her in a crisis, but I still know if I needed her help, she would not have an ulterior motive.

6. Most importantly, I value her friendship 
She is fun and awesome and I love spending time with fun and awesome people! I'm certainly blessed and thankful to have her in my life.

There is soooooooooooooooooooo much more I could say about my friendship with "Sarah", but I'm tired, this post is already way too long, and I don't really think the internet needs to know anymore than this.