Journal Entry 7 - I'm Struggling

May 30^th, 2016

It has been about a week since my last post. I suppose that means it is time for me to write again. How are things going for me? Well to be entirely honest, I am continuing to struggle. It's quite disheartening really. I have made so much progress since leaving the hospital and now it feels like it is all slipping away. However, I am trying not to put too much thought into that; if I don't believe I am moving forward, it will be impossible for me to do so.

When I am struggling I usually do one of two things: lay in bed and avoid the world or keep quite busy. I have currently been doing the latter. Mostly to try to convince myself and others that I am doing just fine. I figure that, if I post a bunch of photos of me hanging out with people and doing fun things, everyone will think my life is going great. It's also a distraction for me, and quite often, an avoidance technique. For example, tonight when I was leaving soccer, my friend's team arrived to play their game. I decided to watch her game. Of course watching her game interests me, but my real motivation was avoiding doing my therapy homework (funny how that's still not done...) and not wanting to go home to my responsibilities. Surprisingly, I watched her for about ten minutes and then made the conscious choice to leave.

For the past two years there has been one main person I would go to to talk about these struggles. Lately I have been purposely not going to her when my mental health is not great. On occasions we do talk about it, I try not to go in any depth. There are various reasons for this, but overall I think it is a good thing...hence why I am doing it. Except for when I'm suicidal. Then it might not be a good thing. I know I wouldn't go to her.... which is kind of scary, really. She has literally saved my life countless times. As someone who is striving to get better, knowing I don't have a “safe guard” if things get extremely bad again is terrifying. Who knows what could happen. Well I guess I do know what could happen, I could be dead. Rational, goal oriented Amanda doesn't want to be dead, but I know anxious, confused Amanda would have no problem with it. Ideally I will never be in that dark of a place again. Unfortunately these past couple week have taught me that that is still entirely possible.

ANYWAY...enough of that. 

I would like to say that at this very moment I am doing okay. I ended the night on a fairly positive note which is always good. I'm stressing a bit about group therapy tomorrow and a counselling appointment I have the day after tomorrow. Among many other things, of course. I also have lots to do and little time to do it before I leave to go to Ottawa. Thankfully though, I am coping okay at the moment. Not amazingly, but okay.

I'm good with okay.

Journal Entry 6 - I'm Upset

May 24^th, 2016

I am going to start off by saying this is a pretty pointless blog post. It does not have a purpose or theme like all of the other posts I have made. I suppose it does to an extent...but it is certainly not going to be a well organized layout of my thoughts. The grammar will most likely be terrible, but I hope that it will at least be comprehensible. It's pretty much going to be a rant and I have no idea what the “point” of said rant will be.

I'm upset. If you haven't noticed by now all of my other posts are fairly positive and anything negative is about past experiences. It doesn't have to be far in the past, but it is just not how I am currently feeling. There are few reasons for this. One, I haven't had this blog very long. For the amount of time I have had this blog, life has been not too bad. I am not saying I haven't struggled, but overall I have been fairly good at coping with difficulties (or avoiding them, of course). Another reason is that I like to pretend I am okay. Particularly in front of other people. The last and most prominent reason is that I do no like talking about my feelings as feel them. I am usually pretty okay with reflecting on past feelings, but current ones, no thanks. I just don't like feeling strong negative emotions...I guess no one does. But for me I just try to avoid feeling them. Obviously that doesn't always work, but I certainly try. Talking/writing about them just makes me feel them more and most of the time I don't like that(I feel better AFTER...but who wants to wait for after?) That's where this blog post comes in. I think.

I am not actually going to type a word about why I'm upset or what emotion I mean by “upset.” I'm not ready to do that. (Quite frankly I am feeling a few!) The reason I am writing this is to write while I'm upset and try to get out at least some of my feelings ish. I recognize this is something I need to work on. So this, this is my pathetic attempt at trying. Mind you, I have already vented about something that was upsetting me to my friend, Sam. Which has calmed me down a bit. I needed to know if the particular thing I was thinking was all “in my head.” She decided it was, as usual. Thank goodness because if it wasn't I would be crying not writing a blog post. As much as I just spoke about not dealing with my feelings as a feel them, there are two people in my life who I am willing to speak to about them. Sam being one of them.... and it's pretty easy to guess who the second person is. 

I also think it is important for me to write about the fact that I am upset, because it is a reality of my situation. Not everyday is filled with a hope for the future and growth as a person. Many days I take ten steps back. I am slowly and truly getting better, but not everyday. Today I feel like I did a month ago. That is taking a few steps back for sure. But tomorrow I could feel like I did yesterday, or even better. Hence where the growth comes in. I could even grow from today and however long I continue to feel crummy....But unfortunately, like many things in life, that growth comes from looking back in hindsight. Here's hoping I don't feel like I did two months ago any time soon. Although to be honest with you, at this point I don't even frigging care. I'm going to bed.

Journal Entry 5 - I Skipped Therapy

May 24^th, 2016

Yes, I skipped the second session of therapy today. There were four reasons for this.

1. I have a cold and I did not sleep well because of it. I also had a lot of anxiety last night, which was awesome. Not. On top of that colds are always worse in the morning. Which, of course, is when I have therapy. She also said last session that if we are sick, we shouldn't come.                         
2. I did not complete any of the homework. The facilitator made it very clear that doing the homework is important and continuously not doing it could result in discharge. That being said, she also stated that if there are times that we don't do it, we should not skip therapy because of it.                                                                                                                                                       
3. I did not purchase the textbook. I got paid on Friday and “class” was Tuesday (today). I planned to just buy it yesterday. That makes sense, right? Wrong. I forgot it was a holiday. Not having a textbook contributed to me not doing some of the homework, but I can't use that as an excuse for all of it. Some of the homework this week was hand-outs.                                               
4. I did not want to go.

So there you have it, I skipped therapy. I'm such a rebel. I probably should have went considering the mood I am in right now. Whatever. I'll go next week.

Journal Entry 4 - Am I Still an Optimist?

For most of my life I have been known as an optimist. Not only did others view me this way, but it is how I viewed myself. I have always considered optimism as part of my personality. Despite the pessimism that now plagues my life, I still believe that it is part of who I am. I think highly of this character trait and would love to see it fully return into my life.

I struggled with suicidal thoughts in high school but I continued to be an optimist. I viewed myself negatively but my perception of the world was still positive. I was always able to find the good in every bad and I held onto to hope that the future would be bright. I seemed to think that life would magically get better after high school. There was some rational behind that assumption. After high school I would be able to escape some of the tough situations I have had to endure.

So off I went to a school that was 7-8 hours away. The year had it's ups and downs but there were no major mental health concerns. Even my anxiety was practically non-existent. Throughout that time, I continued to maintain a reasonably optimistic view on life. I did decide to move back after my first year, but my reasons for doing so are completely irrelevant to this topic.

Multiple things happened when I returned home. Firstly, I grew up. I don't know why or how, but I did. I used to be very immature and spent most of my time with people who were younger than me. That being said, I do recognize that I was very mature in certain aspects of my life. Overall though I was a silly girl with a carefree attitude. Secondly, moving back meant I had re-enter difficult situations. For most of my first year back I handled them fairly well.

At this point I was not as optimistic but I still thought positively. Anxiety had resurfaced but it was entirely manageable. I was going to school at the local college and for the most part life was great. I was certainly dealing with stressors, but I was able to cope with them quite well for the first little while. About 3/4 of the way through my first year of college I started to struggle again. I recognize now that this is when I should have got help. However, clearly I didn't and I carried on pretending things were fine. I was no longer an optimist.

Returning to college for my second year I was extremely pessimistic. Eventually I found myself in the midst of a mental health crisis. Fast forward about a year a half, multiple suicide attempts later, and here I am....your average pessimist.

I definitely noticed when my optimism was slipping away. As I became more and more pessimistic my happiness level seemed to get capped; It was like I could only achieve a certain amount of happiness. This was not a coincidence. I feel that optimism and overall happiness are directly linked. Growing up my mother used to always call me her “happy go lucky girl.” I haven't heard that in awhile.

About a month ago a friend and I were texting back and forth and she said something that implied I was pessimist. I was deeply offended because that confirmed what I already knew. It upset me even more because of who said it; she is someone who has only known me for a few years. That conversation made me realize that she has probably never even considered me to be as optimist. BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST!...Oh right, I'm not.

You know what? Maybe I still am. Perhaps not at this particular moment, or these past few years, but in my heart I still identity as one. I can't wait until I view the world that way again. It's just going to take some time.

Now that? That is some optimistic thinking.  

Journal Entry 3.5 - CBT in a Nutshell

May 17th, 2016

CBT in a nutshell is about changing the way you think. Our thoughts, moods, physical reactions, and behaviours are all connected. If we make a change to one of them, they are all impacted. As I understand it, CBT works on the premise that our thoughts have the largest influence over them all. According to CBT we all have negative core beliefs (that are usually created in childhood), rules and assumptions we live by, and automatic thoughts.

The example the facilitator gave was a mother that neglected her child. This resulted in the child growing up to have the negative core belief that she was unlovable. Due to this belief, she lived by the rule of doing everything everyone wants so they will love her. If something happened in her life, like losing her job, she may find she would not be able to deal with it as well as others could. This is because she can no longer cope due to being unable to to live by her rules and assumptions. This woman may have an automatic thought like “my boyfriend doesn't love me.” You challenge these “hot thoughts” by using thought record charts to come up with factual evidence for and against them. There are multiple steps and by the end of therapy you are able to come up with more balanced thoughts and ideally alter your core beliefs.  

Journal Entry 3- Group Therapy Round Two

May 17, 2016

Ugh. Yes, ugh. Ok, ok, it was not that bad.

So this is the second time I have been part of a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group. The first time was after one of my minor suicide attempts. I had attended for I'm guessing around six sessions and that was about it. The reason I stopped going was because these groups have an attendance policy; if you miss two sessions without calling, you get discharged. It started with not being able to attend a session because of work. I let her know in advance and it was not a big deal at all. The following week I was unable to go, but did not call because I lost her phone number. Naturally, the week after that I was so anxious about not calling that I once again, did not go. At that point I just gave up and never went back.

...Until today.

Unlike the first time I took CBT, I had barely any anxiety leading up to the first session. I accredit this to knowing what to expect, having the same facilitator as last time, being more willing to go to therapy, and having an overall different head space. That being said, I really did not want to go this morning. I even contemplated calling her to say that I woke up sick.

When I eventually arrived, barely on time, I pulled up a chair to the over crowded table. There were certainly more participants in this CBT group than the previous one. Dang. I like people, but the more of them there are, the more difficult it is for me to share my emotions. I also noticed that, outside of the guy who was sitting beside me, everyone was older than me. This is a positive thing because I find people my age annoying. Well, not all of them, I have my favourites.

Overall the session was boring just as I had anticipated; it's therapy not a party. I also had thousands of deja vu moments because this is not my first time taking CBT. I hate re-learning things. It also didn't help that the speaker said the exact same things in the exact same way. Even her examples have not changed. On the plus side there is a new and improved textbook. I can already tell I prefer it over the old one. Unfortunately, that means I have to purchase another textbook.

Homework. Homework. Homework. I'm a nerd and even I hate therapy homework. Historically I have always avoided it, or at best, gave it minimal effort. This time around I intend to complete everything asked of me. I have come to realize that therapy will not work if I do not try. Plus, I'm really not interested in a third round of CBT.

Now that I have spoke about diligently doing my homework, I should mention that I am not off to a good start. I was supposed complete a hand-out titled “Anxiety and Depression Inventory” and bring it to the first session. I didn't. However, I did manage to do it during the break. It was just a few sheets that required me to circle my anxiety and depression symptoms. I did the same sheets last year before CBT. However, this year my answers were not the same. I appear to be struggling less now than I was then. Woo hoo!

I also had to come up with “what I want to get out of therapy.” I can't remember exactly what I babbled on about, but it was something along the lines of “controlling my thoughts and emotions and being able to function normally again.” We'll see how that works out for me.  

The People in my Life

Earlier tonight I was messaging with a friend who lives about three hours away from me. At one point during our conversation she said the following: You have some pretty awesome people in your life (just from what I see on fb sometimes), I'm envious lol.

She is so unbelievably correct. Except, pretty awesome does not even begin to describe them. The people in my life are amazing, wonderful, extraordinary, incredible, marvellous, and magnificent. They are super heroes, fighters, and warriors. They are wise and courageous, inspirational and warmhearted. There are not enough words in the English language for me to adequately portray the people in my life. I love them beyond words.

My family. Oh my goodness I love them. I was raised by an amazing mother who would give me her left arm if that meant I wouldn't have to do without. She's the person I long to be with when I'm sick or the person I call when I am lost in the middle of no where at 1am with only a 1/4 of a tank of gas. I am the second youngest of six so my siblings are also a major part of my life. The ones closest to my age are my partners in crime as well as my nephew who is only two months younger than me. My older two siblings are the wise trail blazers of the bunch. If I were to comment on them individually this post would go on forever. I also have connected with my aunts, uncles, and cousins in recent years and it has been a great experience getting to know them.

My friends. I am blessed with many friends who have varying roles within my life. Some of them I see on a regular basis and others fade in and out. Regardless, they all have a special spot in my heart. Again, if I were to touch on each person I would be writing for days and days. I will highlight on a few of my relationships though. My beautiful best friend. I am learning as I get older that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have a best friend. It is such a wonderful relationship and I trust some of my deepest secrets with her. You are beyond amazing, Kayla! (Yes, I know you are reading this) My long distance best friend(in good traffic she lives 7 hours away). How wonderful it is to have an objective person to rant to. She is such a caring person but she is not afraid to tell-it-how-it-is. My closest Christian friend (the one I spoke about at the beginning of this entry). I am so thankful to be able to discuss things with someone who sees life through the same lens as I do. I am able to share my sins with her without fear of judgement. My mentor. Aka the most intelligent person I have ever met. She has helped me through some of my toughest struggles and is one of my biggest supporters. My friend. She may not have a specific title, but I know she is someone who will always have my back. She is also the mother of my nephew, the cutest baby on the planet. Yes, I'm extremely biased.

The people I support. The people I support have taught me things about life that I could have never fully understood without their guidance. Despite the extra adversities they experience, they triumph through life with grace.

Children. The children I support, my friends' children, and my second cousins. Children in general, really. They all inspire me. They view world with such an innocent wonder and it makes me take a step back and appreciate the small things in life.

As I mentioned above, there are not enough words in the English language for me to adequately portray the people in my life. I love them beyond words.

Oh wait! One more person: 

My dog. Ok. You're right. She is not technically a person (although she certainly thinks she is...I may or may not agree with her).Regardless, I love her to pieces and she makes my life brighter. Therefore, I am including her in this post.