May 11th, 2017
Wow. How did I get here? I have a meaningful job, a healthy bank account, an apartment, a car, friends, family, and a great boyfriend.
I am blessed.
I struggle with mental health issues.
I am still blessed.
What initially brought me back to this blog was feeling a little bit down. I was ruminating on struggles, that now, after reflecting on the past, seem so insignificant. The drastic difference between my life now and a year ago still astonishes me.
I intend to return soon with some snippets of the last seven months.
Much love,
Amanda
Thursday, 11 May 2017
Friday, 28 October 2016
Journal 25 - Acceptance
October 28th, 2016
Overall the last month or so has been going very well. There has been a few 'hiccups' of course, but I have managed to power through them and still be okay. The largest change for me has been acceptance. I have accepted that I likely will always have these struggles. I have also accepted that my brain works a little differently.
Acceptance doesn't mean rolling over and giving up. It means recognizing that things are the way they are right now and somethings may never change. For example, I will likely always have anxiety to some degree. I have worked very hard to try to get rid of it and will continue to do so, but it probably will never completely go away.
Simply put: It is what it is. Naturally I still get frustrated by my struggles and I want them to go away. However, by accepting what is, I have been able to stop persevering on that and move forward with my life.
Note: I wish I could say acceptance happens overnight. Like many things in life, it is much easier said than done. I know in my personal journey I had to do many things before I reached this point. No one wants to struggle, but unfortunately it is part of the human experience.
Overall the last month or so has been going very well. There has been a few 'hiccups' of course, but I have managed to power through them and still be okay. The largest change for me has been acceptance. I have accepted that I likely will always have these struggles. I have also accepted that my brain works a little differently.
Acceptance doesn't mean rolling over and giving up. It means recognizing that things are the way they are right now and somethings may never change. For example, I will likely always have anxiety to some degree. I have worked very hard to try to get rid of it and will continue to do so, but it probably will never completely go away.
Simply put: It is what it is. Naturally I still get frustrated by my struggles and I want them to go away. However, by accepting what is, I have been able to stop persevering on that and move forward with my life.
Note: I wish I could say acceptance happens overnight. Like many things in life, it is much easier said than done. I know in my personal journey I had to do many things before I reached this point. No one wants to struggle, but unfortunately it is part of the human experience.
Monday, 19 September 2016
Journal 24 - My thoughts on the stigma associated with mental illness
September 19th, 2016
There are many stigmas attached to specific mental illnesses and mental illness as a whole. We as a society created these stigmas and continue to maintain them. I would argue that a few of these preconceived notions are actually annoying stereotypes. However, most run much deeper than that and should indeed be deemed as stigmas.
It is interesting to note that mental health concerns are actually quite prevalent. I cannot recite a specific percentage, but I do know it is a fair amount of people. Just imagine if all those people, myself included, did not believe the stigmas. Self-stigmatization is real and often gets over looked.
Please do not misinterpret this as victim blaming. Regardless of how people view themselves, they absolutely do not deserve to be stigmatized against. Many people who have a mental illness experience out right discrimination and are even denied basic human rights. I am not ignoring or denying this devastating reality. However, I do believe it is important to reflect on self-stigmatization before attempting to address it on a societal level.
I also believe that to fight stigma, there must be a larger positive presence from people who have a mental illness. This is extremely difficult because of the stigma and results in a vicious cycle. People, again including myself, keep it "hush hush" or anonymous to avoid repercussions and then society's perception of mental illness never changes. Even the little dialogue there is about mental illness is often negative and pity based. It would be helpful for society to see that there is more to mental illness than crisis.
If you have a mental illness do not embrace the stigma. You have value and you should display it to the world. Mental illness can be challenging to navigate, but it is not a flaw. It is part of the beautiful person you are and you deserve as much respect as anyone else.
There are many stigmas attached to specific mental illnesses and mental illness as a whole. We as a society created these stigmas and continue to maintain them. I would argue that a few of these preconceived notions are actually annoying stereotypes. However, most run much deeper than that and should indeed be deemed as stigmas.
It is interesting to note that mental health concerns are actually quite prevalent. I cannot recite a specific percentage, but I do know it is a fair amount of people. Just imagine if all those people, myself included, did not believe the stigmas. Self-stigmatization is real and often gets over looked.
Please do not misinterpret this as victim blaming. Regardless of how people view themselves, they absolutely do not deserve to be stigmatized against. Many people who have a mental illness experience out right discrimination and are even denied basic human rights. I am not ignoring or denying this devastating reality. However, I do believe it is important to reflect on self-stigmatization before attempting to address it on a societal level.
I also believe that to fight stigma, there must be a larger positive presence from people who have a mental illness. This is extremely difficult because of the stigma and results in a vicious cycle. People, again including myself, keep it "hush hush" or anonymous to avoid repercussions and then society's perception of mental illness never changes. Even the little dialogue there is about mental illness is often negative and pity based. It would be helpful for society to see that there is more to mental illness than crisis.
If you have a mental illness do not embrace the stigma. You have value and you should display it to the world. Mental illness can be challenging to navigate, but it is not a flaw. It is part of the beautiful person you are and you deserve as much respect as anyone else.
Friday, 16 September 2016
Journal 23- Dear God
Sept 16th/2016
Dear God,
I know I don't pray enough. I know I don't try hard enough. I know I deliberately sin without thinking twice. I also know that you love me anyway. I know I need to turn to you more, and tonight, that is what I am doing.
You know my struggles and understand them more than I could possibly imagine. I see now that these difficulties have lead me to people I would have never met and some of my other relationships have been strengthened because of them. I also have a new direction that I would like my career to go in and I have gained insight from my experiences. I see it Lord. I see the positives in these hardships. I see they have a purpose.
Regardless of the positives, you know the negatives are so challenging for me. You see my weaknesses. My self-pity parties, my avoidance techniques, my lack of motivation, my anxiety, my emotional irregularity. Oh you see it all.
You also see my strengths. You see when I get up anyway. You see when I give every ounce of energy I have left to my job. You see how much I truly and deeply care about others.
Tonight I am not asking you why. I am asking you for help. You know I want you to take my mental illness away. I want all these experiences to just be a dream. I would give you limbs off my body just so I could regulate my emotions.
I could and likely should, ask you for strength to face adversities. Strength to persevere and keep going. I cannot do it on my own, I'm going to need your help. Your guidance. I'm only human and I feel that you have given me too much to handle. Please take some of the burden away. Please at least give me a break from it. I'm tired, Lord. I see my progress but progress sometimes takes more effort than crisis. Please, I don't know what else to do.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Dear God,
I know I don't pray enough. I know I don't try hard enough. I know I deliberately sin without thinking twice. I also know that you love me anyway. I know I need to turn to you more, and tonight, that is what I am doing.
You know my struggles and understand them more than I could possibly imagine. I see now that these difficulties have lead me to people I would have never met and some of my other relationships have been strengthened because of them. I also have a new direction that I would like my career to go in and I have gained insight from my experiences. I see it Lord. I see the positives in these hardships. I see they have a purpose.
Regardless of the positives, you know the negatives are so challenging for me. You see my weaknesses. My self-pity parties, my avoidance techniques, my lack of motivation, my anxiety, my emotional irregularity. Oh you see it all.
You also see my strengths. You see when I get up anyway. You see when I give every ounce of energy I have left to my job. You see how much I truly and deeply care about others.
Tonight I am not asking you why. I am asking you for help. You know I want you to take my mental illness away. I want all these experiences to just be a dream. I would give you limbs off my body just so I could regulate my emotions.
I could and likely should, ask you for strength to face adversities. Strength to persevere and keep going. I cannot do it on my own, I'm going to need your help. Your guidance. I'm only human and I feel that you have given me too much to handle. Please take some of the burden away. Please at least give me a break from it. I'm tired, Lord. I see my progress but progress sometimes takes more effort than crisis. Please, I don't know what else to do.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Friday, 9 September 2016
Journal 22- Welcome back, anxiety
September 9th, 2016
I had a couple of anxiety free days and they were wonderful. My anxiety resurfaced a little bit yesterday, but made its grand re-entrance this morning. I didn't panic when I woke up or anything, it just felt awful. Today I seem to have that turning in your stomach anxiety that makes you want to throw up. I think there may have been some particular triggers for this anxiety, but currently my thoughts are not racing,
I was annoyed when I woke up this morning and had thoughts like "I can't do this" and "how I am going to face the day?" After about an hour of self-pity, I got out of bed. I know my limits and I am certainly not past them. It's not bad enough to call into work over, I just need a little extra willpower today.
I am not devastated that I am anxious again. Anxiety is part of my life and I am learning to accept it as such. I would have enjoyed a few more anxiety-free days, but I will persevere and make the best of my situation.
So welcome back, anxiety. Please be prepared to take a back seat in my brain. Today I will be in control, not you.
I had a couple of anxiety free days and they were wonderful. My anxiety resurfaced a little bit yesterday, but made its grand re-entrance this morning. I didn't panic when I woke up or anything, it just felt awful. Today I seem to have that turning in your stomach anxiety that makes you want to throw up. I think there may have been some particular triggers for this anxiety, but currently my thoughts are not racing,
I was annoyed when I woke up this morning and had thoughts like "I can't do this" and "how I am going to face the day?" After about an hour of self-pity, I got out of bed. I know my limits and I am certainly not past them. It's not bad enough to call into work over, I just need a little extra willpower today.
I am not devastated that I am anxious again. Anxiety is part of my life and I am learning to accept it as such. I would have enjoyed a few more anxiety-free days, but I will persevere and make the best of my situation.
So welcome back, anxiety. Please be prepared to take a back seat in my brain. Today I will be in control, not you.
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
Journal 21 - Completed CBT and met a new counselor
September 7th, 2016
Yesterday I went to my last CBT group session. I am finished! Yes, that's right, me. Miss I-hate-getting-help actually finished 3.5 months of weekly therapy. I have another type of therapy starting next month and surprisingly I am actually looking forward to it. It's a different facilitator, but I was introduced to her and she seems nice.
This morning I had an appointment with a new 'lady' (counselor) that will be entering my life. Sadly, the individual sessions I have at the hospital are short-term and will soon be coming to an end soon. It will be helpful for me to have ongoing support.
My new counselor is quite young and that initially surprised me. She looks to be about my age, or, at most, a couple years older. It is entirely possible that this is her professional job. Obviously she will not have a lot of experience, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she is competent and kind I could care less.
Unlike I had hoped, she had not read my file yet. I wanted to skip the awkward "why I came here" portion of intake. In therapy speak, that basically means "tell me all of the terrible things that have happened in your life and what you currently want to 'fix'." It's not really a portion of intake, that is the purpose of intake. That and signing a bunch of forms.
Re-telling my story was not as horrible as historically it has been.She even wanted details about my suicide attempts and I wasn't even phased. It was actually quite easy. It felt like I was just re sighting a bunch of facts.
I was not even anxious about going to the session beforehand. It may have helped that I forgot about the appointment until I got a reminder text last night. Regardless, I knew it was coming up eventually and knowing that did not bother me. Even during the appointment I had no anxiety. None. Not even a little bit.
I haven't had anxiety all day today or yesterday either. I have varying degrees of anxiety 95% of time so two days off is nice. There is likely a correlation between working out yesterday and today and having no anxiety. I really should start exercising regularly.
Yesterday I went to my last CBT group session. I am finished! Yes, that's right, me. Miss I-hate-getting-help actually finished 3.5 months of weekly therapy. I have another type of therapy starting next month and surprisingly I am actually looking forward to it. It's a different facilitator, but I was introduced to her and she seems nice.
This morning I had an appointment with a new 'lady' (counselor) that will be entering my life. Sadly, the individual sessions I have at the hospital are short-term and will soon be coming to an end soon. It will be helpful for me to have ongoing support.
My new counselor is quite young and that initially surprised me. She looks to be about my age, or, at most, a couple years older. It is entirely possible that this is her professional job. Obviously she will not have a lot of experience, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As long as she is competent and kind I could care less.
Unlike I had hoped, she had not read my file yet. I wanted to skip the awkward "why I came here" portion of intake. In therapy speak, that basically means "tell me all of the terrible things that have happened in your life and what you currently want to 'fix'." It's not really a portion of intake, that is the purpose of intake. That and signing a bunch of forms.
Re-telling my story was not as horrible as historically it has been.She even wanted details about my suicide attempts and I wasn't even phased. It was actually quite easy. It felt like I was just re sighting a bunch of facts.
I was not even anxious about going to the session beforehand. It may have helped that I forgot about the appointment until I got a reminder text last night. Regardless, I knew it was coming up eventually and knowing that did not bother me. Even during the appointment I had no anxiety. None. Not even a little bit.
I haven't had anxiety all day today or yesterday either. I have varying degrees of anxiety 95% of time so two days off is nice. There is likely a correlation between working out yesterday and today and having no anxiety. I really should start exercising regularly.
Monday, 5 September 2016
"My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it."
September 5th, 2016
....Just kidding, I see that is now September 6th.
I went to Lang Pioneer Village with a bunch of my family yesterday (September 4th) and it was a lot of fun. At one point, my second cousins and I went off on our own to listen to people playing music. This is the conversation that transpired between the four year old and I as we sat on the hay bales.
Cousin(while wiggling around) : My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it.
Me: You can get up and dance if you want.
Cousin: No I can't do it.
Me: You said your body was dancing and you couldn't stop it.
C: No it's not.
M: You should get up and dance, I haven't seen you dance before.
C: Yes you have, at the wedding (his mom and dad's wedding).
M: No, I didn't see it because you didn't dance with me.
C: No the other wedding! (my sister's wedding)
M: You're older now, I bet you are an even better dancer.
C: Ya I am.
M: Are you going to dance?
C (in a hushed voice): I can only danced inside. (He continued on dancing in his seat)
Children are hilarious.
....Just kidding, I see that is now September 6th.
I went to Lang Pioneer Village with a bunch of my family yesterday (September 4th) and it was a lot of fun. At one point, my second cousins and I went off on our own to listen to people playing music. This is the conversation that transpired between the four year old and I as we sat on the hay bales.
Cousin(while wiggling around) : My body is dancing by itself and I can't stop it.
Me: You can get up and dance if you want.
Cousin: No I can't do it.
Me: You said your body was dancing and you couldn't stop it.
C: No it's not.
M: You should get up and dance, I haven't seen you dance before.
C: Yes you have, at the wedding (his mom and dad's wedding).
M: No, I didn't see it because you didn't dance with me.
C: No the other wedding! (my sister's wedding)
M: You're older now, I bet you are an even better dancer.
C: Ya I am.
M: Are you going to dance?
C (in a hushed voice): I can only danced inside. (He continued on dancing in his seat)
Children are hilarious.
Journal 20 - Embracing Joy
September 5th, 2016
My week has been wonderful. I went into last Tuesday with a bleak outlook on life and this Tuesday (tomorrow) I feel ready to take on the world. Well at least some of it. Washing the dishes seems like more of an Amanda-of-the-future task.
I'll be honest, I was scared. It felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everything I have been working so hard to achieve was fading away. When it first started I was afraid to admit this reality to myself....No, I can't be struggling this much again. I have to try harder. It's fine. I'm fine. I eventually realized I could either do something about it or ignore it. Ignoring problems never helps so I reached out to my counselor.
"I'm in place where I need to do something or it will be a problem. I need to intervene. I have felt this way before and historically, it does not go well." I saw her on a weekly basis for a few weeks, but things continued to get worse.
'Hilda', my super-suicidal alter-ego had not returned, but her presence was looming. I was petrified. "Life cannot get that bad again. Please. No."
Fortunately, everything quickly changed for me this week. Unfortunately, it will change again. Regulating my moods is certainly not one of my strengths. However, I am trying my best not to dwell on it. I will always fear relapse, but I cannot allow it to consume me. It cannot be my focus.
I'm not entirely sure how or why, but life is good this week.
When joy presents itself, I may as well embrace it.
My week has been wonderful. I went into last Tuesday with a bleak outlook on life and this Tuesday (tomorrow) I feel ready to take on the world. Well at least some of it. Washing the dishes seems like more of an Amanda-of-the-future task.
I'll be honest, I was scared. It felt like my life was spiraling out of control and everything I have been working so hard to achieve was fading away. When it first started I was afraid to admit this reality to myself....No, I can't be struggling this much again. I have to try harder. It's fine. I'm fine. I eventually realized I could either do something about it or ignore it. Ignoring problems never helps so I reached out to my counselor.
"I'm in place where I need to do something or it will be a problem. I need to intervene. I have felt this way before and historically, it does not go well." I saw her on a weekly basis for a few weeks, but things continued to get worse.
'Hilda', my super-suicidal alter-ego had not returned, but her presence was looming. I was petrified. "Life cannot get that bad again. Please. No."
Fortunately, everything quickly changed for me this week. Unfortunately, it will change again. Regulating my moods is certainly not one of my strengths. However, I am trying my best not to dwell on it. I will always fear relapse, but I cannot allow it to consume me. It cannot be my focus.
I'm not entirely sure how or why, but life is good this week.
When joy presents itself, I may as well embrace it.
Saturday, 3 September 2016
Journal 19 - Wow
September 3rd, 2016
I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.
Wow.
It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.
Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.
The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.
Again, wow. There are no words.
What does one even do this with information?
I couldn't sleep so I was laying in my bed fiddling around on my phone. Unfortunately, my phone died and I can't charge it and use it at the same time (my charger in finicky). I bought this phone about a year ago and I recently pulled out my old one. I decided I would play around on my old phone.
Wow.
It was like stepping into an unfortunate time machine. I was beyond not well. I found a note in my phone where I was just insulting myself and I found what appears to be a short suicide note(I suppose I had wrote that particular one "just in case"). There was even a letter I wrote to my suicidal-self in hopes of preventing another suicide attempt and song lyrics I wrote about a girl who was "forever 25" because a drunk driver killed her. I found old phone conversations and I am thankful and not thankful Amanda of the past deleted most of them from Sarah. I owe her another apology for what I put her through, talk about secondary trauma much.
Naturally, I then went on my current phone to look at an old app I briefly used. It's an online mental health community where you can make posts and comment on each others posts. I used that after I tried to kill myself in March. I was not doing well then either.
The positive thing is I got to see just how far I have come. The negative thing is I was reminded about some of the terrible things I had forgotten. I really wish I could go back in time and not read all of that before bed. I got out of bed to type this (hence why the grammar is likely extra terrible) in hopes that it would help to clear my mind.
Again, wow. There are no words.
What does one even do this with information?
Journal 18 - Accepting Limits
September 3rd, 2016
I think that having high expectations of myself is a good thing, but I am learning there needs to be some sort of balance. I seem to bounce back and forth between being the most goal oriented person you have ever met and having no goals at all. I assume that I am a goal oriented person by nature but then my mental health issues set me back. I will not always be able to achieve what I expect from myself, but that does not mean I should give up and expect nothing. However, I think adjusting my goals daily is permissible. On a really bad day, simply getting out of bed could be the goal. I think there needs to be something to strive for, but it should be realistic and I should not be setting myself up for failure. I'm noticing that if I fail, I give up entirely.
I often get frustrated with myself because there are many things I used to be able to do and now I struggle with them. At times even mundane tasks are impossible and I get upset because I 'should' be able to do them. Again, I think I need be realistic. If there are tasks that absolutely need to get done, I should pick one and make that my only focus of the day. If I don't complete it, insulting myself profusely is probably not the way to go. I should accept my limitations.
Accepting my limitations includes my mental illness. It exists. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I should learn to embrace it. Do I wish it would go away? Obviously, but it's not going to happen. For the rest of my life I will to some degree struggle with mental health problems. It is okay that that is part my identify. Mental illness does not make me flawed or any less of a human being. We all have our own battles to face and this one happens to be mine. You can't fight a battle if you pretend it isn't happening.
I think that having high expectations of myself is a good thing, but I am learning there needs to be some sort of balance. I seem to bounce back and forth between being the most goal oriented person you have ever met and having no goals at all. I assume that I am a goal oriented person by nature but then my mental health issues set me back. I will not always be able to achieve what I expect from myself, but that does not mean I should give up and expect nothing. However, I think adjusting my goals daily is permissible. On a really bad day, simply getting out of bed could be the goal. I think there needs to be something to strive for, but it should be realistic and I should not be setting myself up for failure. I'm noticing that if I fail, I give up entirely.
Accepting my limitations includes my mental illness. It exists. It's not going anywhere anytime soon and I should learn to embrace it. Do I wish it would go away? Obviously, but it's not going to happen. For the rest of my life I will to some degree struggle with mental health problems. It is okay that that is part my identify. Mental illness does not make me flawed or any less of a human being. We all have our own battles to face and this one happens to be mine. You can't fight a battle if you pretend it isn't happening.
Friday, 2 September 2016
Journal 17 - Game Plan
September 2nd, 2016
Seeing "Sarah" on Tuesday seemed to help me re-group and I have been feeling slightly better since. After seeing her, I went home and wrote down a few things. I then went to my individual therapy yesterday armed with what I wrote down. I came to that session on a mission! I had specific topics, questions, and I even asked for some goal setting homework. She also had homework prepared for me and I have already completed it. It was very basic and seemed almost silly, but it turned out to be extremely eye opening. Hmm, perhaps I should do homework more often....
Since Tuesday I have wrote down major concerns, scheduled an appointment, wrote down what I need to say at my upcoming appointment, completed therapy homework (not CBT homework I'm way behind on that), brainstormed ideas for the future, wrote three blog posts, and did some non-therapy related things.
Overall I'm still not feeling amazing. However, figuring out how I can address my issues has been helpful. Developing a plan lessens the feeling of having no control. I like control. The problem is I am struggling to come up with some solutions to put in my plan. Ideally I'd like to solve everything myself, but I find it overwhelming. Instead of putting it off, it may be wise for me to seek input from my friends. I'm undecided....so I will put off deciding about whether I should put off deciding about getting help with decisions. Yep, that made sense.
Seeing "Sarah" on Tuesday seemed to help me re-group and I have been feeling slightly better since. After seeing her, I went home and wrote down a few things. I then went to my individual therapy yesterday armed with what I wrote down. I came to that session on a mission! I had specific topics, questions, and I even asked for some goal setting homework. She also had homework prepared for me and I have already completed it. It was very basic and seemed almost silly, but it turned out to be extremely eye opening. Hmm, perhaps I should do homework more often....
Since Tuesday I have wrote down major concerns, scheduled an appointment, wrote down what I need to say at my upcoming appointment, completed therapy homework (not CBT homework I'm way behind on that), brainstormed ideas for the future, wrote three blog posts, and did some non-therapy related things.
Overall I'm still not feeling amazing. However, figuring out how I can address my issues has been helpful. Developing a plan lessens the feeling of having no control. I like control. The problem is I am struggling to come up with some solutions to put in my plan. Ideally I'd like to solve everything myself, but I find it overwhelming. Instead of putting it off, it may be wise for me to seek input from my friends. I'm undecided....so I will put off deciding about whether I should put off deciding about getting help with decisions. Yep, that made sense.
Wednesday, 31 August 2016
Journal 16 - "Sarah"
August 31/2016
Yesterday was a highly anticipated day off work, but that did not stop me from being grumpy and discouraged. I managed to drag my butt to group therapy and then spent a little time at home. I had not seen my friend "Sarah" for awhile and we had arranged to meet yesterday evening. I was so miserable and did not want to go, but I knew I would regret canceling and it would likely be a long time before I saw her again.
So I went. I even arrived a little early so I would have time to mentally prepare myself. I wanted to put my happy face on, but faking it seemed to be more challenging than I had anticipated. Naturally, my inner voice was upset that I had not cancelled. I was not anxious about the situation, I was just concerned that I was going to be a jerk for no apparent reason. Which, of course, resulted in anxiety!
But guess what? It was totally fine. That's the thing, everything is always fine with Sarah. I have no idea why, but she is just one of those people in my life that makes me feel better. It is interesting because she is not exactly a super-approachable, over-coddling type of person. She can actually be quite intimidating. She is most certainly kind, but she is one of those tough-on-the-outside people. Perhaps random people on the street are not compelled to approach her, but people who know her seem to be drawn to her. I think it's a strong possibility that it could be because she has a concealed super power or access to government secrets. Or both. Honestly though, she's a great person and I aspire to be like her any many ways.
So how/why is she a 'purpose person' for me? Here are some of the many reasons:
1. She became part of my life at right time.
I met Sarah at a point in my life when I was thriving. She was able to see what a "healthy" Amanda looks like and I got to know her without my mental health issues interfering. Then, after I got to know and trust her, I found myself in mental health crisis. Although she did not save me from a burning building, she has literally saved my life. I could elaborate on that, but those are tough memories for me combined with a lot of guilt.
2. She has helped to increase my self-esteem
I will never forget the first time I genuinely believed I was smart. Do I still struggle to believe this? Yes. But there was one specific day where I just wholeheartedly thought I was intelligent. I just felt like such a capable person, it was amazing. It was mainly because of a conversation I had with Sarah and an e-mail she sent afterwards. I don't know that she would even remember that day; it probably seemed like an insignificant ordinary day to her. This is just one of many, many examples. Although, the rest are not "ah ha" moments like this, they happened gradually over time.
3. She is a positive role model/mentor
Perhaps role model is a bit of an elementary term, but I do not feel mentor fully describes what I want to convey. I think everyone in my inner circle (and beyond) knows how much I look up to this woman. Sarah has been great a point of reference for many of the traits I want acquire and goals I want to achieve. A.k.a. I like to copy her. Well sometimes I like to copy her. .I would like to point out that I genuinely did not cut my hair off because she has short hair. Someone asked me that and honestly that was not my reasoning. Maybe on some subconscious level seeing her rock her short hair made me more likely to try it? Who knows.
4. She makes me feel better
I am someone who struggles to regulate my moods. So as you can imagine, having someone in my life who can balance them out by merely being present is a God send. Now if that could be put in pill form, all my issues would be resolved. Obviously she doesn't actually cure my problems. I've had some of my worst panic attacks her presence. However, knowing she was there made a world of difference. Also, as a side note, she has an extremely calming voice.
5. She tells it how it is and genuinely cares about what is in my best interest
Sarah is usually fairly blunt and honest with me. In the moment I don't always love it, but it's often (okay always) what I need to hear. I have made the decision to no longer rely on her in a crisis, but I still know if I needed her help, she would not have an ulterior motive.
6. Most importantly, I value her friendship
She is fun and awesome and I love spending time with fun and awesome people! I'm certainly blessed and thankful to have her in my life.
There is soooooooooooooooooooo much more I could say about my friendship with "Sarah", but I'm tired, this post is already way too long, and I don't really think the internet needs to know anymore than this.
Yesterday was a highly anticipated day off work, but that did not stop me from being grumpy and discouraged. I managed to drag my butt to group therapy and then spent a little time at home. I had not seen my friend "Sarah" for awhile and we had arranged to meet yesterday evening. I was so miserable and did not want to go, but I knew I would regret canceling and it would likely be a long time before I saw her again.
So I went. I even arrived a little early so I would have time to mentally prepare myself. I wanted to put my happy face on, but faking it seemed to be more challenging than I had anticipated. Naturally, my inner voice was upset that I had not cancelled. I was not anxious about the situation, I was just concerned that I was going to be a jerk for no apparent reason. Which, of course, resulted in anxiety!
But guess what? It was totally fine. That's the thing, everything is always fine with Sarah. I have no idea why, but she is just one of those people in my life that makes me feel better. It is interesting because she is not exactly a super-approachable, over-coddling type of person. She can actually be quite intimidating. She is most certainly kind, but she is one of those tough-on-the-outside people. Perhaps random people on the street are not compelled to approach her, but people who know her seem to be drawn to her. I think it's a strong possibility that it could be because she has a concealed super power or access to government secrets. Or both. Honestly though, she's a great person and I aspire to be like her any many ways.
So how/why is she a 'purpose person' for me? Here are some of the many reasons:
1. She became part of my life at right time.
I met Sarah at a point in my life when I was thriving. She was able to see what a "healthy" Amanda looks like and I got to know her without my mental health issues interfering. Then, after I got to know and trust her, I found myself in mental health crisis. Although she did not save me from a burning building, she has literally saved my life. I could elaborate on that, but those are tough memories for me combined with a lot of guilt.
2. She has helped to increase my self-esteem
I will never forget the first time I genuinely believed I was smart. Do I still struggle to believe this? Yes. But there was one specific day where I just wholeheartedly thought I was intelligent. I just felt like such a capable person, it was amazing. It was mainly because of a conversation I had with Sarah and an e-mail she sent afterwards. I don't know that she would even remember that day; it probably seemed like an insignificant ordinary day to her. This is just one of many, many examples. Although, the rest are not "ah ha" moments like this, they happened gradually over time.
3. She is a positive role model/mentor
Perhaps role model is a bit of an elementary term, but I do not feel mentor fully describes what I want to convey. I think everyone in my inner circle (and beyond) knows how much I look up to this woman. Sarah has been great a point of reference for many of the traits I want acquire and goals I want to achieve. A.k.a. I like to copy her. Well sometimes I like to copy her. .I would like to point out that I genuinely did not cut my hair off because she has short hair. Someone asked me that and honestly that was not my reasoning. Maybe on some subconscious level seeing her rock her short hair made me more likely to try it? Who knows.
4. She makes me feel better
I am someone who struggles to regulate my moods. So as you can imagine, having someone in my life who can balance them out by merely being present is a God send. Now if that could be put in pill form, all my issues would be resolved. Obviously she doesn't actually cure my problems. I've had some of my worst panic attacks her presence. However, knowing she was there made a world of difference. Also, as a side note, she has an extremely calming voice.
5. She tells it how it is and genuinely cares about what is in my best interest
Sarah is usually fairly blunt and honest with me. In the moment I don't always love it, but it's often (okay always) what I need to hear. I have made the decision to no longer rely on her in a crisis, but I still know if I needed her help, she would not have an ulterior motive.
6. Most importantly, I value her friendship
She is fun and awesome and I love spending time with fun and awesome people! I'm certainly blessed and thankful to have her in my life.
There is soooooooooooooooooooo much more I could say about my friendship with "Sarah", but I'm tired, this post is already way too long, and I don't really think the internet needs to know anymore than this.
Tuesday, 30 August 2016
Journal 15 - Purpose People
August 30th, 2016
I firmly believe that God has placed many people in my life for specific reasons. Some of those people have come and gone and the rest continue to remain part of my world. Of course, practically everyone I have ever met has impacted me in some way. However, for the purposes of this post, I am referring people that I can look back and see the direct impact they have had on my life. I think these relationships can have a one-sided purpose or be mutually beneficial. I believe that, perhaps, I too have served a purpose for someone else. You can never really truly know how far your words and actions travel.
This may seem like it is coming out of no where, especially considering my previous post. I was inspired to share these thoughts because I spent some time with one of these people today. I am going to write a little about that relationship in my next post and why just spending time with her shed a little light on a dark day. Ideally I will find the time and motivation to write about many other positive relationships in my life. Although mental illness can sometimes taint my perception, often just thinking about the people I care about can bring me a touch of joy in the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing about them will bring me comfort as I currently continue to struggle.
...But for now, I shall seek comfort in some wonderful sleep. What's not to love about that?
I firmly believe that God has placed many people in my life for specific reasons. Some of those people have come and gone and the rest continue to remain part of my world. Of course, practically everyone I have ever met has impacted me in some way. However, for the purposes of this post, I am referring people that I can look back and see the direct impact they have had on my life. I think these relationships can have a one-sided purpose or be mutually beneficial. I believe that, perhaps, I too have served a purpose for someone else. You can never really truly know how far your words and actions travel.
This may seem like it is coming out of no where, especially considering my previous post. I was inspired to share these thoughts because I spent some time with one of these people today. I am going to write a little about that relationship in my next post and why just spending time with her shed a little light on a dark day. Ideally I will find the time and motivation to write about many other positive relationships in my life. Although mental illness can sometimes taint my perception, often just thinking about the people I care about can bring me a touch of joy in the midst of chaos. Perhaps writing about them will bring me comfort as I currently continue to struggle.
...But for now, I shall seek comfort in some wonderful sleep. What's not to love about that?
Sunday, 21 August 2016
Journal 14 -At a Crossroads and Fresh out of Hope
August 21st, 2016
I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.
Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.
I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.
I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.
You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?
I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm sitting here thinking about all the of the things that I need to do very soon; I don't want to do any of them. Some things are simple, some are not. Unfortunately, some of my current issues are ongoing and don't have an immediate solution. I'm sitting here feeling fresh out of hope. I continue to sit here and do nothing.
I'm frustrated because it appears that life will always be this way for me. Perhaps not always to this degree, but I'm learning to accept I will always have mental health issues. This is not a pessimistic view point, it is the reality of my journey. Of course there have been periods of time where I have functioned and maintained a relatively good sense of well-being. However, these periods of time are short lived and are the peak of happiness on my emotional roller coaster ride. I don't expect life to be free of roller coasters, I understand they are a universal human experience. What I really want is for my mental health condition to go away.
Yes life is better for me in some ways because I have made progress. I suppose that is a valid argument against my life will not change. The thing is, I do not think people without mental health issues can fully understand what mental health progress means. Progress is not equal to a cure.
I hadn't met with my one-on-one counselor for a couple months and but I finally had an appointment with her two days ago. It was the perfect timing. I have been struggling for practically all of August and then I hit a bit of crisis point a couple days before my appointment. I'm still there and I am concerned.
I explained to her how I am at a 'cross roads' and I need to do something. I recognize that I am at a point where I need to intervene and make changes or I will be in a full-blown crisis. There is a particular situation in my life that is draining and we tried to problem solve but there was no immediate answer. I left that appointment with something along the lines of "try a few new ways to cope with it and let me know how it goes." I'm not upset about that and I am not criticizing her skills, she is amazing, some situations don't have an immediate solution. When the star a line I usually see her every two weeks, but I have an appointment with her next week as well.
You know, I can cope. I can continue to cope and use all of my acquired 'skills'. I didn't share this with my counselor, but the problem is I am losing hope. I am not suicidal or anything, I currently just do not see the purpose in coping. So what, I can cope and get through the day? I can take it "day by day." For what? So I can cope tomorrow?
I don't know what to do next. I was hoping that somehow writing my feeling would miraculously help me. I suppose I will just continue to sit here and do nothing.
Monday, 1 August 2016
July is a jerk! So that means August is amazing, right?
August 1st, 2016.
Well overall July has not been a great month for me. My dog's expensive surgery and my broken car were the biggest of my many issues this month. Fortunately, I have managed to remain fairly calm and collected. I honestly think the nice weather helps me cope with disasters. I can almost guarantee that if all this stuff happened in January, I'd be a wreck.
The purpose of this entry is not for me to vent about every little thing that has happened. I am writing this to remind myself that August can still be awesome. I have another month of lots of hours at work, summer sun, and I still have some plans left to enjoy (which of course will be more difficult if my car ends up being not worth repairing...). <Ignore the bitterness!
So here's to August. It's going to be amazing.
Well overall July has not been a great month for me. My dog's expensive surgery and my broken car were the biggest of my many issues this month. Fortunately, I have managed to remain fairly calm and collected. I honestly think the nice weather helps me cope with disasters. I can almost guarantee that if all this stuff happened in January, I'd be a wreck.
The purpose of this entry is not for me to vent about every little thing that has happened. I am writing this to remind myself that August can still be awesome. I have another month of lots of hours at work, summer sun, and I still have some plans left to enjoy (which of course will be more difficult if my car ends up being not worth repairing...). <Ignore the bitterness!
So here's to August. It's going to be amazing.
Journal Entry 13 - Random Anxiety
August 1st, 2016
Two nights ago I went to bed at a decent time. I had worked an 11am-7pm shift beforehand and that went quite well. I had even eaten all my meals and I did not eat anything outrageously unhealthy. I said no to a friend for going out late to an event, but she understood and I did not feel overwhelmingly guilty about not going. I knew I worked 11am-10pm the following day (turned out to be 10:30), so I felt that I was doing what was best for myself by not going. I made my brother and I dinner, relaxed for a bit and then went to bed. Everything was fine.
Fast forward to around 2 am and I woke up to having quite a bad panic attack. It was out of no where. I started to talk to myself and try to calm down. "You're ok, you're just having a panic attack. You're in you're bed. You're fine. You're safe" Then I started trying to do a thought record in my head because there was no way I could have wrote anything down. I was also half asleep and shocked that this was going on. I started to try and assess my thoughts. Why was I anxious? What was upsetting me? My anxiety was upsetting me but I could not find any underlying reason for the anxiety. I started flailing around and freaking out because my bed was too small. I started throwing all of my pillows and blankets off my bed. I kept trying to go back to sleep which got me more upset as I continued to flail around on my bed. I wanted it to stop. Then I told myself to "get up. If I can't sleep, I should just get up." I got up, went to the bathroom, and got a drink. I spent a little time with my dog and after not too too long, I went back to bed.
This particular panic attack felt like a much milder version of the one I had when I first woke up in the hospital in March. It was very similar. Except in March I was begging to get up but the nurse would not allow me to because of all of the drugs in my system. (Don't blame the nurse, she was right. The next day I forced them to let me get up. Guess what? I couldn't and if wasn't for them, I would have fell. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes.) Anyway, in hindsight, I think this particular panic attack may have been cause by a bad dream I do not remember. I have also had a stressful month, so perhaps that could have unconsciously impacted me. Who knows? The mind is a mysterious thing.
Two nights ago I went to bed at a decent time. I had worked an 11am-7pm shift beforehand and that went quite well. I had even eaten all my meals and I did not eat anything outrageously unhealthy. I said no to a friend for going out late to an event, but she understood and I did not feel overwhelmingly guilty about not going. I knew I worked 11am-10pm the following day (turned out to be 10:30), so I felt that I was doing what was best for myself by not going. I made my brother and I dinner, relaxed for a bit and then went to bed. Everything was fine.
Fast forward to around 2 am and I woke up to having quite a bad panic attack. It was out of no where. I started to talk to myself and try to calm down. "You're ok, you're just having a panic attack. You're in you're bed. You're fine. You're safe" Then I started trying to do a thought record in my head because there was no way I could have wrote anything down. I was also half asleep and shocked that this was going on. I started to try and assess my thoughts. Why was I anxious? What was upsetting me? My anxiety was upsetting me but I could not find any underlying reason for the anxiety. I started flailing around and freaking out because my bed was too small. I started throwing all of my pillows and blankets off my bed. I kept trying to go back to sleep which got me more upset as I continued to flail around on my bed. I wanted it to stop. Then I told myself to "get up. If I can't sleep, I should just get up." I got up, went to the bathroom, and got a drink. I spent a little time with my dog and after not too too long, I went back to bed.
This particular panic attack felt like a much milder version of the one I had when I first woke up in the hospital in March. It was very similar. Except in March I was begging to get up but the nurse would not allow me to because of all of the drugs in my system. (Don't blame the nurse, she was right. The next day I forced them to let me get up. Guess what? I couldn't and if wasn't for them, I would have fell. I'm so stupidly stubborn sometimes.) Anyway, in hindsight, I think this particular panic attack may have been cause by a bad dream I do not remember. I have also had a stressful month, so perhaps that could have unconsciously impacted me. Who knows? The mind is a mysterious thing.
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
Journal Entry 12 - Therapy Update
July 27, 2016
Well it appears that it has been about a month since I have given any sort of update. I get more hours at work in the summer and my life in general just becomes busier. Plus I have been too lazy to write, so there is that too.
New views on professional help
I finished session 11 of group therapy yesterday and there are only about 5 or 6 sessions left. I'm looking forward to it being over, but in some weird way I think I will miss it. You know, as much as I have loathed getting professional help in the past (some days I still do), it's not all that bad. Going in with an open mind, a willingness to put in effort, and an acceptance that it is going to be tough sometimes, makes a huge difference. Of course I am still skeptical, but I know it's about finding what works for me and more importantly who works for you. If I hate the person who is supposed to be helping me, it's not going to beneficial. Obviously there is no way to have complete control over this. If there was, my old counselor would not be living out west right now!
Therapy homework
Do I complete all my homework every week and do it to the best of my ability? Not a chance. It's more of a last minute, occasionally throw some effort in thing. I am slowly getting better though. I have even had a binder for a couple weeks now! That counts for something, right? I'm thinking about typing some of my "individual" homework I do on here, but selectively of course. Somethings I am just not super willing to share.
Standing out
This week at therapy I shared something I am currently going through to the group. My individual counselor knows a lot about this, but the group has had no idea. I shared it, we talked about a few things and then we left to go on break. I was hesitant to talk about it because I was embarrassed, but I got over myself and did. That was all fine and dandy until the facilitator got back from break. She came back and said something along the lines of "I have been thinking about what you said before break and I think you are remarkable person, I don't know how you do it." She said a few other things and then apologized for embarrassing me; it was a nice gesture but I was super uncomfortable and I wanted her to stop talking about me. I am not sure if she was trying to reinforce me to share such things more often or what, but I really wanted to move on. THEN, she asked me if I had a few minutes to talk to her after the session.
Talking to her after 'class' was fine. She had a book she thought would be good for me to read if I was interested and she wanted to show it to me. A lot of the content is relevant to what I struggle with. The title of the book included my diagnosis, which for some strange reason annoyed me. I think it's because I like to pretend she does not have a file about me and my struggles. However, it's likely a coincidence and not why she brought the book to my attention. Also, it makes sense that a book that is supposed help people with my diagnosis is relevant to me. Duh. Why would that annoy me?
.... I'll sum up some other stuff in another post. I really need to get ready for work! I'm excited, I know it will be a good shift today. I love my job.
Well it appears that it has been about a month since I have given any sort of update. I get more hours at work in the summer and my life in general just becomes busier. Plus I have been too lazy to write, so there is that too.
New views on professional help
I finished session 11 of group therapy yesterday and there are only about 5 or 6 sessions left. I'm looking forward to it being over, but in some weird way I think I will miss it. You know, as much as I have loathed getting professional help in the past (some days I still do), it's not all that bad. Going in with an open mind, a willingness to put in effort, and an acceptance that it is going to be tough sometimes, makes a huge difference. Of course I am still skeptical, but I know it's about finding what works for me and more importantly who works for you. If I hate the person who is supposed to be helping me, it's not going to beneficial. Obviously there is no way to have complete control over this. If there was, my old counselor would not be living out west right now!
Therapy homework
Do I complete all my homework every week and do it to the best of my ability? Not a chance. It's more of a last minute, occasionally throw some effort in thing. I am slowly getting better though. I have even had a binder for a couple weeks now! That counts for something, right? I'm thinking about typing some of my "individual" homework I do on here, but selectively of course. Somethings I am just not super willing to share.
Standing out
This week at therapy I shared something I am currently going through to the group. My individual counselor knows a lot about this, but the group has had no idea. I shared it, we talked about a few things and then we left to go on break. I was hesitant to talk about it because I was embarrassed, but I got over myself and did. That was all fine and dandy until the facilitator got back from break. She came back and said something along the lines of "I have been thinking about what you said before break and I think you are remarkable person, I don't know how you do it." She said a few other things and then apologized for embarrassing me; it was a nice gesture but I was super uncomfortable and I wanted her to stop talking about me. I am not sure if she was trying to reinforce me to share such things more often or what, but I really wanted to move on. THEN, she asked me if I had a few minutes to talk to her after the session.
Talking to her after 'class' was fine. She had a book she thought would be good for me to read if I was interested and she wanted to show it to me. A lot of the content is relevant to what I struggle with. The title of the book included my diagnosis, which for some strange reason annoyed me. I think it's because I like to pretend she does not have a file about me and my struggles. However, it's likely a coincidence and not why she brought the book to my attention. Also, it makes sense that a book that is supposed help people with my diagnosis is relevant to me. Duh. Why would that annoy me?
.... I'll sum up some other stuff in another post. I really need to get ready for work! I'm excited, I know it will be a good shift today. I love my job.
Saturday, 2 July 2016
To my Best Friend on her Birthday
Happy 23rd Birthday, Kayla!
(Yes, before you scold me, I know your birthday is not until the 6th. I am posting this now because you are celebrating tomorrow).
I think this year I am going to spice things up and make your birthday message short and sweet. You're awesome. I love you. I hope your day is great.
Love always,
That annoying not-so-blonde-blonde who keeps sticking around.
P.S. You know me better than that. Be prepared for so much sappiness.
(Yes, before you scold me, I know your birthday is not until the 6th. I am posting this now because you are celebrating tomorrow).
I think this year I am going to spice things up and make your birthday message short and sweet. You're awesome. I love you. I hope your day is great.
Love always,
That annoying not-so-blonde-blonde who keeps sticking around.
P.S. You know me better than that. Be prepared for so much sappiness.
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Journal Entry 11 - Therapy/Counselling Update
June 28th, 2018
It has been a few weeks since I have given any sort of update on how my therapy is going. My plan for this post is to give an overview of the last few weeks. Today was session eight of group therapy and I have attended a total of six sessions.
I had a group therapy session the day after I got back from Ottawa. It was the morning after what I spoke about in "Journal Entry 10" had happened. I was in an absolutely terrible state of mind. I was almost entirely silent for most of the session. Yes you read that right, I was silent. It's rare but it does occur every so often. It's very out of character for me, but I would like to clarify that it does not always mean I am upset. It usually does, but not always. That day I was experiencing many negative emotions and I put my head down on the table during the break. Needless to say I was not having a good day.
So here is the thing about me, I like to fake that I'm okay. Sometimes I am good at faking and sometimes I'm not. There are some days where I really struggle to even try to pretend life is just dandy. I usually can tell if it's one of those days as soon as I wake up. If that is the case I usually try to avoid/get out of whatever commitments I have for that day. If that is not possible I at least try to get out of some of them. Ironically enough, if I have time, those are the days I really try hard to make sure both my hair (when I had hair) and make-up are done. Again, to clarify, I'm not having a bad day every time my hair and make-up are done. When my hair and make-up are done I feel a little bit better about myself and so I hope people will pay more attention to how I look than my behaviour.
Anyway, back to therapy. I knew that morning I wasn't going to be able to "fake it," but I decided that I would go anyway. It's therapy after all, right? Shouldn't that be the one place I can be not okay? I'm not sure that I took much away from that session, but I showed up. I was listening but my mind wondered quite frequently. I was unwilling to share what little homework I had completed, even when directly asked to do so. When I was leaving the facilitator asked me if I was okay. I, of course, said yes. Then she gave me the "don't go home and kill yourself look" and I walked out. I hate that look, even if it is justified.
The following week I had a very useful individual counselling session. By that point I was in a better state of mind and I was able to reflect on everything I had been going through. We also spoke about some of the ongoing issues I continue to face. I have now recognized that these things are an issue and I am working on problem solving. I may not have the solutions but this is an essential first step. I left the session feeling back in control of my life, empowered, and looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
I skipped the next week of group therapy. I slept in and I did not want be late for the third time in a row. I also really just wanted to sleep and at the time therapy did not seem like a good alternative to that.
Today's therapy was pretty good. Getting ready in the morning was less stressful than usual because I actually had a decent sleep the night before and woke up in plenty of time. I even had the chance to do all the homework beforehand (Yes I did the homework the day of...) It was nice to not have to worry about being late, looking like crap, and having homework that was incomplete.
Since I did all of the homework I was able to go over my thought record with the group and get constructive feedback. I should write a separate post about my struggle with thought records. Another thing to add to the list! It was also nice to hear everyone else's thought records. I also spoke to another participant about our people pleasing, perfectionism ways. It appears we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do other people. It's also refreshing to be reminded that I am not the only one who dwells on things. I shared with the group my difficulty with not knowing what to expect in new situations. I have an easier time doing something new spontaneously because I do not have as much time to over-analyze it and worry.
Well, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Now it's time for me to get ready for work! Toodles! (Toodles? I'm so weird...)
It has been a few weeks since I have given any sort of update on how my therapy is going. My plan for this post is to give an overview of the last few weeks. Today was session eight of group therapy and I have attended a total of six sessions.
I had a group therapy session the day after I got back from Ottawa. It was the morning after what I spoke about in "Journal Entry 10" had happened. I was in an absolutely terrible state of mind. I was almost entirely silent for most of the session. Yes you read that right, I was silent. It's rare but it does occur every so often. It's very out of character for me, but I would like to clarify that it does not always mean I am upset. It usually does, but not always. That day I was experiencing many negative emotions and I put my head down on the table during the break. Needless to say I was not having a good day.
So here is the thing about me, I like to fake that I'm okay. Sometimes I am good at faking and sometimes I'm not. There are some days where I really struggle to even try to pretend life is just dandy. I usually can tell if it's one of those days as soon as I wake up. If that is the case I usually try to avoid/get out of whatever commitments I have for that day. If that is not possible I at least try to get out of some of them. Ironically enough, if I have time, those are the days I really try hard to make sure both my hair (when I had hair) and make-up are done. Again, to clarify, I'm not having a bad day every time my hair and make-up are done. When my hair and make-up are done I feel a little bit better about myself and so I hope people will pay more attention to how I look than my behaviour.
Anyway, back to therapy. I knew that morning I wasn't going to be able to "fake it," but I decided that I would go anyway. It's therapy after all, right? Shouldn't that be the one place I can be not okay? I'm not sure that I took much away from that session, but I showed up. I was listening but my mind wondered quite frequently. I was unwilling to share what little homework I had completed, even when directly asked to do so. When I was leaving the facilitator asked me if I was okay. I, of course, said yes. Then she gave me the "don't go home and kill yourself look" and I walked out. I hate that look, even if it is justified.
The following week I had a very useful individual counselling session. By that point I was in a better state of mind and I was able to reflect on everything I had been going through. We also spoke about some of the ongoing issues I continue to face. I have now recognized that these things are an issue and I am working on problem solving. I may not have the solutions but this is an essential first step. I left the session feeling back in control of my life, empowered, and looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
I skipped the next week of group therapy. I slept in and I did not want be late for the third time in a row. I also really just wanted to sleep and at the time therapy did not seem like a good alternative to that.
Today's therapy was pretty good. Getting ready in the morning was less stressful than usual because I actually had a decent sleep the night before and woke up in plenty of time. I even had the chance to do all the homework beforehand (Yes I did the homework the day of...) It was nice to not have to worry about being late, looking like crap, and having homework that was incomplete.
Since I did all of the homework I was able to go over my thought record with the group and get constructive feedback. I should write a separate post about my struggle with thought records. Another thing to add to the list! It was also nice to hear everyone else's thought records. I also spoke to another participant about our people pleasing, perfectionism ways. It appears we hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do other people. It's also refreshing to be reminded that I am not the only one who dwells on things. I shared with the group my difficulty with not knowing what to expect in new situations. I have an easier time doing something new spontaneously because I do not have as much time to over-analyze it and worry.
Well, I guess that pretty much sums it up. Now it's time for me to get ready for work! Toodles! (Toodles? I'm so weird...)
Thursday, 16 June 2016
Journal Entry 10 - I'm a Rockstar
June 15, 2016
On Saturday I wrote half of a long and
emotional post. I saved it (or so I thought) and went to work. When I
returned to finish it it was no where to be found. I was frustrated
and decided not to make a post about that week. However, I have
changed my mind. There was something that happened and I think I
should express my feelings about the situation. Most of the other
'things' I wrote about before the document disappeared. I am not writing about them again because it was challenging enough for me the first time! I also find it helpful to reflect back on my previous entries;
what I am about to write will be beneficial for me to read in the
future.
I had a great time in Ottawa, but I
returned feeling overwhelmed. I find that when I am in that frame of
mind my reactions to situations are more intense. I also hadn't slept
well that entire week. I'm sure my lack of sleep also contributed to my emotional
state. Anyway, to sum it up quickly, lots of unfortunate things
happened the afternoon/evening I got back from Ottawa. By the time I
left my soccer game I felt like a useless, unimportant person who
should just go kill herself. I have not felt that terrible since I
tried to in March.
On my way home I was asking myself
questions like: Should I smash my car? Stop at the drug store? Use a
belt? I started to panic. This was not a planned situation. This was
entirely my impulsive brain reacting to how I felt in that moment.
The miracle? I recognized that.
By the grace of God I was somehow able
to calm myself down. I didn't even use self-harm to do it. No biting,
scratching, or pinching.....not even a little bit. I didn't go get
alcohol or take a bunch of pills to numb how I felt. You know what I
did? I went home. I realized I was being impulsive and I told myself
I could re-think this decision tomorrow. Was this good experience?
Obviously not. Was it easy? Nope. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
In the past I have planned to kill
myself, I have impulsively wanted to kill myself, and in March I put
those two things together (no that has not been my only attempt). I
currently have a plan in the back of my mind but only to appease my
brain. For some reason it won't let me be plan-free. However, the
details are not all figured out and I have absolutely no intention of
carrying it out. I refuse to tell people what it is because I know I
will then come up with a new one. I figure the less time I spend
thinking about it the better.
So I am not actively planning suicide
and I have the ability to stop myself from doing it impulsively. THAT
IS HUGE. Seriously. I used to only realize my behaviour was impulsive
in hindsight and the fact that I am not planning to kill myself shows
how much progress I have made.
....Because of all of this awesomeness
I have now decided I am rockstar. I deserve some sort of praise...even
if it is only from myself. You know what? That's the person I need it
from the most.
***Two side notes***
- I left out tons of details because I was too lazy to write them again. Oh well, at least I gave some context. I also did not add how I reacted when I got home. It was a rough night (and week quite frankly) but just know I did not harm myself in anyway.
- I did not magically obtain the ability to recognize and stop my impulsive behaviour. Perhaps I will make a post about that in the future.
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